I used to think that to develop holiness you need to develop good spiritual disciplines. But when I got married and became a parent, I ran into trouble.
No matter how hard I tried and no matter how disciplined I had been before, my “good spiritual disciplines” kept getting interrupted by the responsibilities of marriage and parenting. It’s not uncommon for my wife and I to stay up late talking. Those times are good and needed. But then it’s harder to wake up in the morning.
Recently, this happened on a Friday evening and I thought we’d be able to sleep in the next day because it’s Saturday, right? Both our boys woke up at 6:30 the next morning. We had been up ‘till after midnight. It had been a busy week. All I wanted to do was sleep!
But our boys were up. Before I had a chance to read my Bible and have my “quiet time with God,” our boys were calling for “Dadda and Momma.” So we got them up. In my dazed state, I played with them a little—it was Saturday! We had breakfast. I probably took Kenaz for a short motorcycle ride. We cleaned up outside, as we typically do on Saturday mornings. Maybe washed the car and bike. Emptied trash cans. Played some more. And soon it was noon.
I was still tired.
Still “feeling empty” because I had neither read my Bible nor prayed for the people on my “prayer list.”
Soon after lunch, the boys went down for naps. It took a bit to get them sleeping, but they were finally laying peacefully in their beds. I thought I could finally practice my good spiritual disciplines. But I was tired. Totally shot! I just wanted to sleep, like the boys.
Our sons usually nap for a couple hours in the afternoon, so I thought I could sleep for one and have my devotions for the other. I went to sleep.
An hour later I woke up to the sound of my son crying. His nap was over and there wasn’t going to be any personal devotions for me.
By the end of the day, I was too wiped out to spend meaningful time in prayer or Bible reading. It didn’t happen that day. And that’s typical for us at this stage of life. Perhaps, more so for my wife than me.
Does that mean we aren’t holy?
That we’re slipping away from holiness because we aren’t keeping up with our good spiritual disciplines?
What is holiness, anyway? What is the purpose of Christianity? Am I holy if I get up and read my Bible and pray first thing in the morning? Does it mean I’m a really good Christian if I do that multiple times throughout the day? Do I need to have a prayer list? Am I supposed to memorize and study scripture, and spend hours on my knees?
In Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas says,
“The holy place is that spot where God is made known to his people, the place where human beings discover each other in love.”
I had to think about that as I got my son up from his nap—foregoing my “devotional time” to take care of him.
Inside, I was frustrated. I couldn’t be holy if I wanted to. At least if holiness meant spending lots of personal time with God.
But maybe there’s more to it than we’ve always thought. Maybe holiness isn’t so much about practicing good spiritual disciplines as it is simply being like Christ or “discovering each other in love,” as Thomas puts it. Yes, the discipline of studying God’s word is crucial for knowing Him more, but it’s not the ultimate proof that we actually know Him and are experiencing Him.
“Let us love one another, for love is from God, and however loves has been born of God and knows God.” (1 John 4:7 ESV)
What if holiness means learning to love others as Christ did? Then it would actually have more to do with meeting the needs of my family, than having cozy time with Jesus.
Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7,
“Concerning the matters about which you wrote: It is good for a man not to touch a woman” (or to “marry”). “But because of immoralities, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” (NASB)
Now, I know this passage is dealing with sexual immorality. But could it also apply to other “immoralities” within us like selfishness, anger, control-mongering and hatred? Could Paul be saying that because we are so selfish, each man should have his own wife?
And why would Paul say that?
If holiness has more to do with becoming like Christ than just reading five chapters while sipping warm tea, marriage is the best way to do it. Marriage and raising a family forces us to deal with character issues that we’d otherwise not face.
You see, doing the mundane responsibilities of keeping a home doesn’t mean you aren’t “taking time to be holy.” Investing time and energy in caring for your children even when you haven’t read your Bible for the day is not a sign of spiritual apathy. In fact, just the opposite. It’s proof of Christ within you.
Guard your personal time with God. Stay jealous over the time slot you set aside for communing with Him. But not because the fact that you did so means you’re holy, but because you treasure that relationship more than any other relationship. And because you love your wife, your children and all those God has brought into your life and you understand your own brokenness and the need for Christ to thoroughly inhabit you if you’re going to love them well.
And when you and your wife need to talk, talk. When the kids are screaming and the house is a wreck and the porch needs swept and you’re having company over for the evening but you haven’t had personal time with God because you and your wife were up talking late into the night so you feel “unspiritual,” take it as God giving you an opportunity to express Himself through your body.
Holiness isn’t about spiritual disciplines, it’s about being like Christ.
The worn-out parents and disconnected couples can be holy, too.
How has marriage and parenting impacted your walk with God? You can share in the comments below.
