Framing “love” as a desire and “respect” as a need positions readers in a posture to diminish “love” and prioritize “respect.”
If you prefer an audio version of this article, you can listen to it here:
In my recent article about Dr. Emerson Eggerichs’ book, Love & Respect, I questioned whether men “desperately need” respect. In this article, I want to look at whether women “most desire” love.
But first, I’d like to clarify a few things.
The Matter of Intention
One reader asked if I thought that just because Dr. Eggerichs emphasized respect more than love meant that he believed husbands should not love their wives sacrificially.
No, I do not think Dr. Eggerichs intended for his book to be misused as a tool for men to demand respect and neglect loving their wives. Quite the opposite, in fact. I trust Dr. Eggerichs lives with the deepest desire to help marriages, even ones where the main issue is the husband’s lack of love.
This evaluation of Love & Respect is not a critique or evaluation of Dr. Eggerichs as a person. It is a critical review of the content of the book and the message it portrays. Is the overall effect of this book a net positive for the church or a net negative? Is its message dangerous in any way? Why or why not? These are the questions this evaluation will interact with, none of which doubt whether Dr. Eggerichs intended it to be of great help.
While I merely have anecdotes from conversations I have had with people as to the book’s effect, here is an extensive report of women in vulnerable situations. People’s concern about Love & Respect do not come from an obscure group of individuals. We find unhealthy and sometimes outright abusive treatment of women prevalent in Christian circles regardless of the denomination and, sadly, they often all have promoted Love & Respect in some way or another.
This is why I find it worth revisiting the content of the book to see what about the book’s message lends itself to be used in this way.
The Matter of Good Fruit
A second thing worth clarifying is that by publishing this evaluation of Love & Respect I am not saying the book has not helped marriages. To the contrary. As I mentioned in the first article, my wife and I have been helped by the book. Others close to us have been helped by and been able to help others through this book.
I have no doubt that Love & Respect has born much good fruit.
I’ve just come to realize that it has born a lot of bad fruit as well.
In fact, part of the reason unhealthy and dangerous teachings go unchecked for so long is that the ministry doing such teaching has born so much good fruit. It has helped so many people. “After all,” we may rationalize, “how can something that is bearing this much fruit not be anointed by God?”
This happens in mega churches, itinerate ministries, familial relationships—you name it. Toxic people and teachings get “covered for” by the good they have done.
The problem is, even in scripture we see that just because a person bears good fruit doesn’t mean that person is not in the wrong. Just because Saul, David, and Solomon were anointed by God did not keep them from abusing their power and committing grave sin.
As Jesus said,
So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit.
Matthew 7:17-18 ESV
When we see bad fruit coming from something, even when it appears to be bringing forth good fruit as well, we must stop and take a look. It could be coming from a wolf in sheep’s clothing (Matt. 7:15-16).
The Matter of Being “Anti-Scriptural”
Lastly, I’d like to clarify some comments I have seen floating around saying Love & Respect is “anti-scriptural.”
I certainly empathize with the general sentiment these comments convey because I have witnessed firsthand how people have used Love & Respect in “anti-scriptural” ways. However, I am not comfortable calling the message “anti-scriptural.” Here’s why.
In my ears, “anti-scriptural” sounds as if one is saying you cannot find the concept taught anywhere in scripture. That’s actually what concerns me about the book: the concept foundational to its message is in scripture, yet the way Love & Respect handles Ephesians 5:33 isn’t consistent with good Bible study methods.
For instance, on pages 17-18, Dr. Eggerichs says,
The husband must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Could it be any clearer than that? Paul isn’t making suggestions; he is issuing commands from God Himself. In addition, the Greek word Paul uses for love in this verse is agape, meaning unconditional love. And the wording of the rest of the passage strongly suggests that the husband should receive unconditional respect. Christian spouses should not read this verse to say, “Husbands, love your wives unconditionally, and wives, respect your husbands only if they have earned and deserve it.” As the old saying goes, what is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. In this verse, respect for the husband is just as important as love for the wife.
Eggerichs, Dr. Emerson. Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs (p. 18). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.
The only way he demonstrates that “respect” is as unconditional as “love” is by saying, “the wording of the rest of the passage strongly suggests.”
That’s it.
He doesn’t discuss the wording. He doesn’t give any examples from the text of why we should think about it that way.
Typically, when an author wants to make an interpretative point, he will demonstrate the specific usage in Greek and wrestle with the several different ways to render it in English and then demonstrate why he thinks we should render it a certain way. Dr. Eggerichs doesn’t do this in Love & Respect. He simply says “the wording of the rest of the passage strongly suggests.”
Let me briefly show you why this is problematic.
The very idea of “unconditional love” stems from the meaning of the Greek word for love: agape. Paul does not use any other descriptive words in the passage to emphasize that love should be unconditional. He gives the example of Jesus who gave Himself up for the church, having sanctified and cleansed her in order that he could present the church to Himself in splendor and that she would be holy and without blemish (5:25-27). Later, he tells husbands to nourish and cherish their wives just as Christ does the church (5:29b). This is a way the husband loves his own body (5:29a, 30). He then ends the section with,
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Ephesians 5:31-33 ESV
The closest thing to another word besides agape to demonstrate “unconditional” is “let each one of you love his wife as himself…”
There simply isn’t “wording of the rest of the passage” beyond agape to indicate “unconditional.”
Therefore, in order for “respect” to be considered an “unconditional” command, there must be something in the Greek word indicating “unconditional.” But there isn’t. In fact, in the Greek, it seems to allude to conditions. Let me explain.
The word “and,” which we see in English, is not there in the Greek. Furthermore, there is a Greek word in the last half of 5:33 that has no rendering in our English versions. The word is hina (transliterated) and it means, “that, in order that, so that.”
The best rendering of this is in our English versions, in my opinion, is either the above quote from the ESV or the KJV, which says, “and the wife [see] that she reverence [her] husband.” With my limited knowledge of the Greek phrasing and seeking to be consistent with good Bible study methods, I would agree with Dr. Cynthia Long Westfall that the passage actually suggests a better rending would be: “Husbands love your wives, in order that wives may respect their husbands.”
This rendering is not only consistent with the wording in Greek, but it’s consistent with the emphasis and flow of the passage as a whole. For example, Christ sanctifies the church in order that she be presented before him in splendor (5:25-27), and Christ nourishes and cherishes the church because she is a member of his own body (5:28-30).
Where Love & Respect frames unconditional respect as a way for the wife to get the love she “most desires,” it would be more accurately communicated that unconditional love is a way for men to get the respect they need.
Again, without knowing Dr. Eggerichs heart, I do not believe he intentionally twisted scripture.
As he reveals in the book, Ephesians 5:33 jumped out to him in a time when he was having difficulty helping some couples in his practice as a pastor and counselor. Most marriage books don’t even talk about respect and understanding the dynamics between love and respect are helpful in knowing how to better communicate with each other.
But even when a specific verse jumps out at us, we ought to be careful not to make it conform to a theory we’ve been pondering in light of things we are observing. Let’s allow such verses to peak our curiosity and dig deeper while maintaining good Bible study methods.
Hey, thanks for reading! We create articles to help Christians sort through issues they face so they can love God and others from a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith.
These articles are made possible by our members at Patreon. If you have found these articles helpful and would like to receive more in-depth content concerning issues we as Christians face, you can join our Patreon membership program for as little as $5/month. Click the button below for more details:
What Women “Most Desire” or the Motivation Everyone Needs?
This leads me to the point of this article: love is the motivation for mutual submission which leads to relationships that glorify God and satisfy our mutual desire for intimacy.
Love is not merely a desire. Love is one’s motivation, like respect.
It is because we are to “walk in love” (Eph. 5:2) that we “submit one to another” (Eph. 5:21). And mutual submission, it seems according to the scriptures, is the avenue through which intimate relationships are developed that truly glorify God.
We all have a desire for intimacy—men and women alike. Mutual submission is the posture through which true intimacy gets met.
Why should we mutually submit to each other?
Because love.
I can have remarkable faith, I can give my life for someone, I can give everything I have away, but if I do not have love, I gain nothing (1Co. 13:2-3).
Love is not merely the motivation a husband should have to experience intimacy with his wife. Love is the motivation anyone needs to have to ever have any kind of meaningful intimacy.
Framing Is Everything
At one point, Dr. Eggerichs discusses why love and respect are “primary needs.” He says,
The wife is the one who asks, “Does my husband love me as much as I love him?” She knows she loves him, but she wonders at times if he loves her nearly as much. So when he comes across as unloving, she typically reacts in a negative way. In her opinion, he needs to change into a more sensitive and caring man. Unfortunately, a wife’s usual approach is to complain and criticize in order to motivate her husband to become more loving. This usually proves about as successful as trying to sell brass knuckles to Mother Teresa.
On the other hand, a husband does not commonly ask, “Does my wife love me as much as I love her?” Why not? Because he is assured of her love. I often ask husbands, “Does your wife love you?” They reply, “Yes, of course.” But then I ask, “Does she like you?” And the answer usually comes back, “Nope.”
In many cases, the wife’s dislike is interpreted by the husband as disrespect and even contempt. In his opinion, she has changed from being the admiring, ever-approving woman she was when they courted. Now she doesn’t approve, and she’s letting him know it. So the husband decides he will motivate his wife to become more respectful by acting in unloving ways. This usually proves about as successful as trying to sell a pickup to an Amish farmer.
Eggerichs, Dr. Emerson. Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs (pp. 17-18). Thomas Nelson. Kindle Edition.
Notice how Dr. Eggerichs emphasizes the wife’s failure to respect more than the husband’s failure to love.
He gives detail about her lack of respect that he doesn’t give about the husband’s lack of love.
In the first example, the problem is that the wife wonders if she is loved. The solution to having that question answered is for her to realize how disrespectful she’s being in her attempts to get her husband to love her (i.e. complains and criticizes).
In the second example, the problem is that the husband doesn’t feel liked. It’s not a question, “Does my wife like me?” It’s a statement, “Nope. She doesn’t like me.” The solution, then, is indirectly communicated that she needs to affirm him more.
Sure, Dr. Eggerichs gives a wave to the fact that husbands try to motivate their wives toward respect in unloving ways, but he doesn’t go into detail about how they do that like he did about how women try to motivate their husbands toward love in disrespectful ways.
This is merely one example of how framing impacts the message. When love is viewed as something women “most desire” and respect is something men “desperately need,” more attention is given to men getting respect. But as already discussed, respect flows from a man loving his wife as he loves himself.
It’s true that men often struggle to know if their wives like them.
Sometimes it can feel like our wives have contempt for us, and it’s hard not to take it personally when we feel this. But from my own experience, many times when I’m feeling this “contempt” from my wife it actually has little to do with me. Maybe she had a rough day. Our kids complained all day, or someone chided her for shopping with so many children. Maybe she is struggling with negative thoughts or is feeling isolated and as though she doesn’t have any close female friends.
Just because I feel “unliked” doesn’t mean she doesn’t like me. After all, just because my wife feels unloved, doesn’t mean I don’t love her.
Somehow we need to find ways to give each other space for the negative attitudes we sometimes have without jumping to the conclusion that the negative attitude is the result of a wrong posture toward us personally. In Dr. Eggerichs’ own words, we need to remember we are both “good-willed people.”
A Healthier Way to Think about Love and Respect
Men and women need love and respect equally.
As I’ve said before, I think Dr. Eggerichs does a good job at helping us think about what “love” or “respect” feels like to men and women. It’s true that we often see through different “lenses.” Some of it has to do with gender differences, some of it has to do with cultural differences or familial differences. Learning how to understand what each other means by what we say is crucial to good communication and a healthy marriage. But I am skeptical that these are separated needs based on gender differences.
Framing respect as a man’s need and love as a woman’s desire has fueled patriarchy at the expense of a more holistically faithful biblical theology of marriage and male-female relationships in general.
The motivation a man has for the way in which he relates with his wife needs to be love and respect.
The motivation a woman has for the way in which she relates with her husband needs to be love and respect.
When our heart posture is love and respect, mutual submission follows.
And mutual submission leads to relationships that glorify God and satisfy our mutual desire for intimacy.
Furthermore, our desire for intimacy is probably built into us by God’s design to draw our attention to a perhaps unrealized need for ultimate intimacy with Him. Even a healthy marriage can get in the way of devotion to the Lord (1Co. 7:35), and we are made for the Lord, not ourselves (Col. 1:15-23, 1Pet. 2:9-11, 1Jn. 2:12).
If you have appreciated these articles evaluating Love & Respect and would like to dig deeper into what biblical authors mean when they use “submission” and “respect” in scripture, consider joining our online membership.
We are currently running a series on Submission and Respect in the Context of Abuse to better understand a biblical approach to dealing with abuse in relationships. You can learn more about our membership program through the button below.
I’d love to hear what your experience with Love & Respect has been like. You can share in the comments below. Please be respectful to each other as you do. Grace and peace.
