Even if a person knows he isn’t the only one struggling with porn, if nothing seems to work in helping him get free he still won’t talk with others about his failures.
Let me explain what I mean.
One year in High School, my baseball team was beginning the playoffs and had to play a team who beat us in the regular season. Our sense of competition felt pretty good going into the game, but underneath the surface all of us feared we would lose.
Everything went well and we were up by two runs, until the fifth inning when our shortstop committed several errors and four runs came in, giving our opponents the lead. We never recovered after that inning.
You could say we lost the game because of errors, but that’s not true.
We played other games where we committed errors and still won. The difference was we entered this game doubtful we could win in the first place. We could not shake the belief that they were just too good for us.
And so, we proved it true. They advanced in the playoffs and we went home.
Losing the Battle for Our Minds
Even after I learned I wasn’t the only one who had looked at porn or masturbated, there were still times I smoothed-over how I was really doing. Sometimes it seemed impossible I could ever get free. So, as if it would somehow make things better, I made myself look good. I downplayed my failures, and without knowing it, I began believing lies which held me back from pursuing moral freedom.
The battle with sexual sin begins as a battle for our minds.
Many of us, even if we know we’re not the only ones, will still lie to our friends about how we are doing because we have already bought into beliefs that make us feel isolated and cloud our confidence in Christ.
For me, these beliefs came through subtle, seemingly truthful tales. They were as simple as deciding not to bother talking to anyone about my struggle because I thought they wouldn’t understand. Sometimes I was embarrassed I got tripped up so easily and privately committed to just not doing it again, but I wasn’t going to talk with others about it. I found it easy to value my reputation more than brokenness and feared that if I came clean about how involved with pornography I was, others would lose respect for me.
The problem was, each of these negative thoughts only sealed my downfall, like my baseball team focusing on how the last game went instead of playing our best in the current game.
The Deathly Trap of Silence
Satan does everything in his power to convince us we can manage it on our own, to prevent us from telling our stories of failure and brokenness. He wreaks havoc in a heart committed to silence.
I don’t think his number one goal is to get us to run away with another man’s wife. Rather, he simply wants to keep us from telling anyone about the thoughts we are having toward her, or our struggle with pornography, or the little glances we make at sidebar ads.
Whenever I isolated (or insulated) myself from others, I found increased need for immediate pleasure. By isolating myself, I mean believing victory was impossible, resigning to the fact that every man struggles with sexual sin. Doing this only intensified the struggle. So, Satan did (and still does) everything he could to keep me believing these lies, throwing more and more temptations my way.
Immoral intimacy gives an illusion of the relationship that sharing vulnerably with others actually provides. We will not win staying silent.
Learning to Be Vulnerable
It felt scary to unveil my struggle. Sexuality is the most vulnerable thing about me as a man and talking about it felt as if I was laying my heart in the open air on an operating table. I feared people not skilled with scalpels would pick up utensils and randomly chop at it, never helping me sort through what holds me in bondage to sin.
“You need to get with it and stop looking at this stuff.”
“You’re sinning against God and your family, repent and turn away.”
And all this is true, but my sexual sin felt too complex to be simplified to a few provoking words. Furthermore, I would repent and “turn away.” I wanted to follow God. But then I would fail again. What was I supposed to say? I feared people would not receive me if I wasn’t making visible progress.
What You Really Need to Know to Be Free
Something I discovered, as I’ve mentioned before, is that one of the keys to freedom is connecting with others, being ruthlessly honest with them. As long as I am connecting with people who love me, love Truth, and have the guts to stick with me through thick and thin and confront me when needed, I find increased victory.
And in order to find who those people are, I need to be willing to tell my story. Honestly. Not as I wish it was, but as it really is. Only then can I discover those friendships that will carry me into freedom.
Along with this, I have realized nobody needs to have everything figured out to take the journey to freedom. But we do need to acknowledge wrong beliefs that hold us back from participating in the journey, from telling our stories to others. Otherwise we will never find freedom.
Our reputation may remain intact for a while, but deep inside we will still feel the guilt and shame of living a two-faced life.
On the other hand, we can break free from the lies by trusting God’s promise for those who confess: we will be forgiven. Confessing regularly to a few people who truly care about us (even when it feels pointless) brings a freedom, in itself, we thought nearly impossible.
And the good news is, that’s just the beginning.
Have you ever believed victory was impossible? Do you find yourself thinking thoughts that probably only keep from freedom instead of pushing you toward it? I’d love to hear your feedback in the comments below.
