Every couple months or so, I get an email from someone wondering if I would write on domestic violence, or wondering how they should deal with domestic violence in their church.
The problem is, I don’t have much experience with domestic abuse. I’ve heard some stories, I’m aware it exists even in Christian homes. But I know few people, personally, who deal with domestic violence.
However, since it continues being a subject readers bring up, and since I hear more and more stories about it going on within the church, I have an increasing number of questions about this kind of abuse–or any kind of abuse, for that matter.
My questions are raw, and I don’t have answers for them. In fact, I’m not even comfortable expressing them to the whole world (which is why I made this a “patron-only” post). Even so, each of us must find a way to engage this conversation, to help bring healing to homes and hearts suffering from domestic abuse.
This is my first step toward that goal.
1. When is preserving marriage enabling abuse?
In Genesis 2:24 we get the first passage on marriage: “Therefore, a man shall leave his father and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” But this alone is not conclusive on whether marriage should be preserved at all costs.
It’s not until Jesus, in Matthew 19 and Mark 10, that we get “What God has joined together, let no one separate.” In fact, that seems to be the only passage pointing to the preservation of marriage. Hebrews 13 speaks of honoring marriage and keeping the marriage bed pure. The emphasis seems to be on sexual immorality, and the phrase “sexual immorality” is a bit vague. What acts are “sexually immoral.”
Regardless, the question here has nothing to do with sexual immorality (unless you define leaving a spouse as “sexual immorality,” but nothing sexual has happened in simply leaving a spouse). The question is about domestic abuse.
If one spouse continually abuses the other (or anyone in the family), can staying in the home actually become enablement of the abuse? In other words, would it be better for the victims to leave? This is one of the questions I have as my church would typically take the position one must preserve the marriage at all cost. However, as I’ve said, we haven’t dealt with domestic violence. Hence the question.
2. Is all divorce sin?
Again, in Matthew 19 and Mark 10 Jesus said Moses allowed a certificate of divorce to be written because of the hardness of people’s hearts; however, from the beginning this was not so. In fact, a probable meaning of Malachi 2:16 is that God “hates divorce” (see the NASB and KJV).
The question I have, though, is several of these verses have to do with men putting away their wives in place of another women. Is it wrong for a wife to divorce her husband? Is it wrong for either spouse to divorce, restrain, separate from the other if they are being continually abused? Could it be right for the victim spouse to separate?
These aren’t easy questions to answer, but they’re questions I have. They’re questions I bring to the Lord as I study Scripture. Much of my traditional Anabaptist view is shaken as I interact and disciple those who come from complicated and extremely unhealthy marriages. Am I to demand and expect they stay together?
3. Do we misapply “headship” and “submission”?
Paul talks in Ephesians 5 about man being the “head” of his wife. He should “love” his wife, and she should “submit to” or “respect” her husband. Some feel this enables patriarchal dominance, but if you look carefully at what Paul is saying, he actually lays forth perhaps the most protective plan for women: their husbands are to be Christ to them.
Unfortunately, it can be easy to spend more time on the “respect” part of the passage than on the “giving up your life” part and unknowingly cultivate space for abuse. But if we are faithful to Paul’s teachings on headship and submission, we actually create safer marriages and homes than if we ignore what he says.
4. If a man is abusing his wife or kids, are they still supposed to respect him?
I guess two questions that go along with is are (1) what is respect, and (2) what is love? He’s obviously not loving his wife or children if he is abusing them. He’s not treating them as he would his own body. Therefore, one of the most respectful his wife could do is point him back to his calling as a husband and father. In fact, it may be most respectful to demand him to get help, to stop the abuse, or she flees.
5. Do only men become domestically violent?
Whenever we talk about abuse or injustices, we need to acknowledge the fact that completely removing freedom or rights or respect from the abuser and letting the victim do whatever they want is not the healthiest solution. The tables will eventually flip. The dominated will become the dominant. And in much of the conversation in the secular world today about issues of male dominance, there seems to be a lack of acknowledgement that female dominance won’t be any better.
Having said all that, since there is a history of male dominance and abuse, women need to be given extreme amounts of space and patience as they heal.
6. When does corporal punishment become domestic violence?
I’ve heard of fathers spanking their children with milking hoses, or whipping them with the buckle-side of a belt. That doesn’t sound like “training a child in the way he should,” it sounds like anger, hatred, and abuse.
But when does corporal punishment cross the line of abuse? Could it be abuse even before the buckle or milking hose?
7. Should the church ever report an abuser to the law?
Again, our church hasn’t dealt much with domestic violence. I’m not sure what most other churches do, but I know some are hesitant to take it to the law. Should they be?
8. Does “forgiveness” mean letting abuse unpunished?
If a victim “forgives” her abuser, does that mean looking the other way about past instances? Does it mean she should continue on as normal? I tend to think not. Forgiveness is not equal to forgetting.
9. Does “turning the other cheek” apply to victims of domestic abuse?
Victims of domestic abuse have certainly suffered for Christ. But are the actions of the abuser what Jesus was talking about when he said “if a man strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also”?
It grieves my heart that violence goes on in the homes of followers of Christ. It grieves my heart when it happens in any home. We must think deeply and respond compassionately in any situation of abuse, specifically domestic abuse. The home is to be a place of safety and worship, not fear and pain.
At the same time, in our compassion for the victims, let us also have compassion for the abusers. We are all broken. We all hurt at some level, and a person acting out in rage toward another is a person of extreme levels of pain. Let us ask meaningful questions as we explore Christ-centered, God-glorifying answers.
What questions do you have about domestic abuse? Have you dealt with it before? What answers do you have? Share in the comments below.
