Starting this month, Basic Level members are now able to submit questions and access one most a month in which I will answer those questions. I’ll call it the “Your Questions Answered” post. The post will go live the first Monday of every month and be exclusive only to basic level members and up.
Then, all those in Advanced Level and beyond will get even more blog posts that go further into either some of these questions submitted or other relevant issues that we are dealing with in life today.
For this first month, there was only one question submitted:
“What should I do when I see my parents struggling in their marriage?”
It’s a great question. And I first want to say that I feel for anyone who is watching their parents struggle in their marriage right now. As a married man I know that marriage takes a lot of work. Love takes a lot of work. And just because a couple is struggling in their marriage does not mean they are failing in their marriage. I don’t know where this reader’s situation falls into but I trust and pray that his parents are going deeper in their marriage and not growing further and farther apart.
Having said all that, I’m guessing most of us—if not all of us—can identify with such a question. What are children’s responsibilities when they see their parents struggling, whether their parents are fighting, not really talking, having cold short remarks to each other, or just not honoring each other’s desires or wishes? What are kids supposed to do?
I think for, myself, this came back to an underlying belief about respect and honor that our family has had.
Even more broadly, I think our church community and tradition had a slightly unhealthy underlying understanding of respect and honor.
I come from a fairly reserved church tradition—largely patriarchal. I understood respect and honor as pretty much synonymous with not disagreeing with or pushing back against someone in authority. So, for years if I saw my parents (or any authority figure) struggling emotionally or responding in unhealthy ways, rather than asking about it or moving towards them by either appealing to them about how they’re coming across or just inquiring how they’re doing, I simply didn’t. It felt too risky because it could end up coming across as critical or rebellious.
And so I think part of this discussion needs to be a clarification of what honor and respect are, especially in comparison to obedience.
Paul tells children to obey their parents. We see the concept of obedience throughout Scripture—but it’s a command primarily given to children. There isn’t a whole lot of clear instruction for adult children in relating to their parents.
That’s really beside the point for this readers’ question, but I emphasize it to bring out that there is a difference between obedience (not wearing certain clothes your parents ask you not to wear, listening to certain music your parents want you to listen to, etc.) and respect or honor.
I’m going to use respect and honor interchangeably. Respect goes much deeper than mere obedience.
Respect deals with my heart attitude towards a person.
And when my heart attitude is in line with God‘s Spirit and God’s design for relating with people—then even when we push back or confront or appeal, my attitude is going to be gentle and loving.
This doesn’t mean the person you approach is going except what you have to say. That’s where it gets scary and difficult. Rather, it simply means it is possible to disagree or suggest a direction that is contrary to the person in authority and not be disrespecting or dishonoring them.
In fact, I would suggest there are times where confrontation can be the most respectful or honoring thing one could do. I consider it a tremendous honor if my wife speaks into my life about how I’m coming across to my boys, even when what she has to say might hurt my ego. Obviously, I also like her speaking praises and blessing into me when I’m doing things right as well—I think that’s natural for all of us. But I do not want to be the captain of my own ship. I do not want to be at a place where no one can speak into my life when I’m out of line. It’s one of the most respectful things a person can do for me to gently and respectfully come and confront me.
I say all this to frame two pieces of advice I’ve been given specifically for relating to my parents over the years.
The first piece of advice came from a counselor who I met with quite a few years ago to work through some personal issues after going through a break up. I did not meet with him to talk about issues with my parents. It just so happened that as we went through our sessions together, he pulled out some stuffed wounds in my heart that had to do with my parents.
After taking me to the cross—taking me to Jesus and working through forgiveness and what it means to forgive and relate with my parents in a loving and respectful way—he said to me, “God may want to use you in your dad’s journey or your mom’s journey. For instance, if you sense that your one of your parents is a little angry and upset, you could say in a respectful way, ‘Why are you angry?’ And maybe they’ll respond, ‘I’m not angry!’ But you don’t have to prove to them that they are angry. Simply asking that question and bringing that to the table may cause them to begin contemplating how they are coming across to their family.”
The advice totally shocked me because it was a new concept that God may want to use me in my parent’s journey.
It was kind of freeing in a way because it gave me something to do with the tension I felt inside. Now, I had something to do in those moments when I could sense my parents were upset or something, but didn’t know why.
I don’t think I always did this well—especially at first. Whenever I would ask a question like that it was sometimes met with resistance. I would get upset, and I may as well forget honor and respect if I am going to get upset at my parents for resisting my questions or concerns.
But as I have learned to carry a heart attitude towards my parents that truly cares about their well-being, and not just consumed with mine own, I have noticed I gain a voice in their lives. Now I’m sure that is as much an indication that God is working in their hearts and lives as it is that somehow I’m doing something right, but it all reminds me that we’re on this journey together.
God uses parents to lead their children to know him.
In the same way, God uses children to lead their parents to know him better as well.
The second piece of advice that I was given was given by a good mentor and pastor friend of mine. At the time, I was really struggling with something my parents were doing. And his advice to me was to remember that I am not responsible to change my parents. I am not responsible for how their marriages turns out, or how they are doing spiritually or emotionally. I am not responsible for making sure they change. And, what might be most painful of all, it is not my place to make sure they understand my point of view.
I can appeal to them. I can pray for them. But as my friend pointed out, rarely does a child confronting a parent turn out well.
At first these two pieces of advice seem to contradict each other. But as I’ve contemplated them and fleshed them out in practice, I think they’re really two sides of the same coin.
What is our role as children when we see our parents struggling in their marriage or their personal lives?
I think our role is making sure that our love for them is pure, that we are not wanting things to change because we’re embarrassed or because we’re concerned about our personal well-being. Rather, our love for them ought to come from a heart attitude that truly cares about them. And from that heart attitude, I think we have a place to appeal and to raise questions or concerns—understanding and realizing that utlimately it’s not our responsibility to change them.
We are not responsible for how our parents turn out. We are simply responsible for honoring them. Honoring them may sometimes mean moving toward them through appeal or gentle questions, but it never means we insist they change.
Letting people in God’s hands is one of the hardest things to do, but as we let them there, we can pray. And as we pray, with surrendered hearts, God can work wonders.
I hope this helps you sort through your experience in relating with your parents. If you have any questions or further comments, feel free to share in the comments below.
