There are a few things I discovered since getting married that I wish I knew back when I was eighteen and starting to think about pursuing a lady.
Relationships have a level of mystery that you can’t figure out beforehand. But if you are thinking about pursuing a girl, here are seven things I wish someone had told me before I started dating. I hope they help you in sorting through this whole “girl thing.”
1. God cares about your spouse.
This is truth number one. The story in the Bible of Isaac and his journey to Rebecca illustrates that God cares about who you marry and being a part of the process. Some of you need to know that. But at the same time. . .
2. Don’t over-spiritualize courtship.
I think sometimes we over-spiritualize the process of finding our spouse. It’s okay if you pursue a girl because you like her. God speaks through your desires. Furthermore, she needs to know you want her, that it’s more than a sacrificial act of obedience to God.
God does care about who you marry and that’s awesome! But don’t negate the natural ways God will lead you into something. Let affection also be a guide. Not the only one; but one.
As a Christian you want to follow God’s will in pursuing a spouse. However, if you insist on finding a spiritual reason to pursue a girl, you will likely overlook the common sense aspects God would also want you to use in finding a wife.
3. Be the kind of person you want to attract.
Everyone wants a quality person. It used to be a fad to make a list of what you want in a spouse. I think it’s good to think through what you’re looking for so you’re not aimlessly following after ladies, but the ultimate test of whether you will get what you’re looking for or not isn’t a list of qualities; it’s who you are.
If you want a wife who is loyal, you need to be someone who is loyal. If you want a lady who loves God, you need to be a person who loves God. If you want someone who cares about missions, you need to be involved in ministry.
You attract what you are.
4. Don’t expect a lady to say yes to you if you are on two different wave-lengths. . .at least not the first time you ask her out.
I’ve seen some guys ask ladies out who clearly have different beliefs then they do. I’ve never seen any of those work out, at least not at first.
Personal beliefs, dreams, lifestyles, friends, backgrounds, hobbies–these build common ground. And relationships are built on common ground and common experiences. If there’s not much common ground, it probably won’t work out.
Maybe this is an area we like to hyper-spiritualize, thinking God will “bring us together if it’s His will.” And sometimes things do work out like that. But we would save ourselves some pain if we assessed some of these other things as well. God can give us direction through that.
5. Become her friend before asking her out, but don’t play with her.
I think in some circles becoming friends with ladies as singles is viewed as being too forward. When we become friends with people, we have more clarity on whether we’re on the same wave-length. And when it’s a girl we may like, we get a better idea if it could actually work out or not.
Don’t play with her. Don’t give a girl emotional ground if you’re not serious about pursuing her. But that doesn’t mean you can’t become her friend. Get to know her. We know more about our friends then we do strangers so if you want to know if a girl is suitable, make her your friend. If she seems like someone you want to pursue, initiate a little more friendship and see if she responds.
6. Getting a girl to like you is easy; keeping her heart is the hard part.
Getting a girl to notice you and like you only requires you to impress her. But if you’re going to truly care for her heart you have to lay down the drive to always impress her.
One day, she won’t be impressed with you, but you still have to move toward her. That can make a guy feel pretty insecure. If you’re going to be able to do this well, you must answer the question “Why am I pursuing her?”
If your answer is something like, “Because I love her,” “God led us together and I’m committed to the relationship,” or “I care too much about her to just let her go,” then I think you’re in a healthy place.
But if your answer has more to do with, “I don’t like conflict,” “I want her to like me,” or “I can’t lose her,” you need to adjust your motive.
You have to be sure you’re not banking on her for your validation as a man if you’re going to give the pursuit it takes to keep her heart. A guy only seeking validation has a hard time keeping any gals heart.
7. Remember, there are two of you hearing from God.
Just because God is telling you to pursue her, doesn’t mean she’s into it. And that doesn’t mean she’s not listening to God. It just means you are learning surrender.
Also, remember that you don’t always get what you want. You pray and fast about pursuing a girl, God speaks that you should move forward, then it’s easy to ask her in such a way that makes it sound like God has clearly spoken when it may actually be the first time she ever thought about you. She needs time to pray, to hear from God. And she may decide against it. Are you willing to accept that without blaming God or her?
God cares. Don’t over-spiritualize it. Be yourself. Be attentive to God. Be the kind of person you want to attract. Be a friend. Be secure. But ultimately, be surrendered.
There are plenty of good books on dating and finding a spouse, but books don’t cover everything. I never really read about these things. I hope they are helpful to you as you sort through how to pursue a girl.
Question: Which one of the seven did you find especially helpful? Share in the comments below.
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