I empathize and am really sorry for anyone who has to go through conflict. It is really difficult to play the go-between for those in conflict with each other.
What do you do when you hear two groups of people speak bad about the other and you understand both points of view?
A few years ago, my wife and I found ourselves smack in the middle this type of conflict: dear friends of ours did not appreciate other friends of ours. They would speak negatively about them, and vice versa. We felt lost. Stuck. Conflicted, even.
When we listened to one side of the story, we understood where our friends were coming from. But we also knew the other side. So, we would sense ourselves wanting to respond in defense of them. But if we spoke at all positively of the other side, the people we were talking with would take us to be speaking against them. It’s enough to make you want to just throw your hands in the air and say, “I give up!” and walk away.
But could there be a role we can play in being there for people and gently nudge them, as we can, towards reconciliation?
Let me share three pieces of advice that I have discovered in light of our personal experience that I think are applicable for anyone feeling caught in the middle of conflict between others.
#1 – If I find myself caught in the middle, remember that I am not responsible for how either side reacts or relates to the other.
How either side chooses to respond to the other is their issue. If reconciliation does not happen and the relationship ends up broken, it’s not your fault—no matter how hard it is to watch.
It can be easy, at times, to almost make ourselves the center of attention and try shouldering the responsibility of reconciliation. But it’s not actually our responsibility; it’s theirs. And the reason it is theirs is because we are not the ones who did or said, or did not do or did not say, something to cause the conflict. Therefore, we are not the ones who can resolve the conflict.
#2 – Remember that I am not the go-between.
I don’t have to be the one carrying information from one side to the other. That will only add to the confusion and conflict. I can sit and listen and receive what they’re saying and empathize with them—but I do not have to take that to the other side and tell them what the other side is saying.
If they want information to be communicated to the other person(s), they can do it themselves. And if they are not wanting information to be communicated to the other person(s), I need to respect them and not be doing so.
#3 – Remember that as a friend, as someone listening to and empathizing with them, I can nudge them toward reconciliation.
Let me give four simple yet practical suggestions for how to nudge someone towards reconciliation. I qualify the suggestions by saying I get these from the experience my wife and I went through, and some of those relationships ended up broken. I by no means present these as a formula for helping people be reconciled. However, I stick to these principles because when I think about how I would want to be treated if someone found themselves in the middle of a conflict between me and somebody else, this is how I would want it to be:
- Continue pursuing relationship with them. Be the one to initiate taking them out for coffee. Let them talk about what they’re struggling with. Truly empathize with them, feeling what they feel. You will never have the opportunity to speak truth or exhortation into their life if they do not first sense your deep love and care for them.
- Frame your advice and questions in ways that probe their thinking. Ask inquisitive questions, not interrogative or coercive questions. Your tone should be one of sensitivity to their perspective, with a slight willingness to explore other perspectives. The tone should not be condemning, suspicious, or cocky.
- Don’t push your point. If you present a possible counter way to look at the situation or ask questions that might nudge them toward reconsidering their stance against the other person and they don’t receive it, just let it go. Over the years, I have learned that just because I suggest and idea to someone and they don’t receive it doesn’t mean they forget about it. Sometimes even a year or two later someone changes something in their life and it was the exact thing I had talked with them about earlier. They may never verbally recognize that I had talked about it with them, but I can’t help but think that my suggestion played a role in shaping they’re thinking, nevertheless. Don’t push your point because the moment you start pushing your point people clam up and quit listening.
- My final principle for nudging someone toward reconciliation is to be honest with yourself and with them. Being honest does not mean that you divulge everything you’re doing with both sides. But it does mean that when you have a question about the one side because of what the other side said, you explain that to the person you’re asking the question of. Tell them you’re just wanting to understand the full picture. Don’t act like an investigator trying to find hidden clues.
Of course, through all of this pray. God needs to work between the two parties for there to be true reconciliation. The Holy Spirit is the only mediator that can healing to relationships. So, the bulk of our energy needs to be spent on our knees begging God for restoration in the relationship, crying out for God‘s presence to overwhelm both sides—to overwhelm us. Pray that we can model forgiveness, love, grace, and truth to each other and to the world around us. It’s sad whenever we are caught in the middle of conflict. I’m not entirely sure I always know what to do. I think it’s important that we recognize that as were going through such experiences—I might not be doing this right. As we walk with humility and sensitivity, I believe we can play a role in gently nudging both sides—our friends—toward reconciliation, toward Jesus.
Have you ever found yourself caught in the middle of conflict between friends? What did you learn or are you learning from that experience? Share in the comments below.
