Is courtship as we know it today the way it should be?
The median age of marriage in America is higher than at any other time in the past: 27 for women and 29 for men. There are many dynamics at play in a statistic like this, such as the push for higher education and getting started on solid careers before entering marriage, or the mere fact that many people live with each other (and even start a family) without the commitment to marriage. We can’t easily pin-point the reason for such a statistic, but the stat is probably only true for unbelievers, right?
Unfortunately, I can’t pull up statistics on specific Christian groups such as Anabaptists, but just a casual observer would notice things aren’t any different in the church. Why is that?
Are people really more concerned about their careers these days than ever before in history that they’re willing to push off marriage?
Is everyone living promiscuous lives and no longer value commitment and family as our grandparents did?
Do people not want to be married as much anymore?
I’m sure there are cases where these instances are true, but I submit that in large part these are not the reasons people aren’t getting married as soon as they used to. I think it has more to do with the way we go about it–the way we date.
As I listen to people in my generation I hear an increasing frustration with our courtship model. This seems to be true regardless of background. Before going any further, however, I want to clarify something.
I’m married. I dated two girls. One broke up with me, the other married me.
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I know the pain of rejection even when I was doing everything right. It’s not as though I was socially awkward, morally impure, or spiritually lost. I was a descent option for any young lady. I’m not saying this to toot my horn, but simply to acknowledge that I can identify with many other men out there who are baffled at why ladies keep rejecting them even when they are respectable young men.
But I am married. Which means, I’m not writing this article with bitterness from not having anyone say, “Yes.”
Many singles seem to write off what married people say about courtship, as if what they say doesn’t count. I empathize with singles in that once we get married it’s easy to make light of the confusing struggle it can be before marriage.
Furthermore, being married doesn’t mean I or any other married person is more mature or spiritual. I think singles can inadvertently resent what married people have to say because, quite frankly, in many churches we tend to condescend singles and their legitimacy as men and women of God.
Having said that, if we’re going to talk about marriage and courtship, I think those of us who have gone through it have just as valuable insight to give as those who are fed-up with trying and nothing working out.
Here’s how I’m approaching this post: I’ll offer my perspective and then I want to hear yours. I love discussions, so let’s have one. I want to hear from other married people, but I also want to hear from singles. I want to hear your frustrations and desires.
Something has to change, and in order to influence change we must first have a conversation about it. So let’s talk. Let’s not argue or try to get everyone to understand ourselves, but instead let’s try to understand everyone else.
Are you ready?
Too frequently, we think of marriage as if there is one way to do it right. We do this with many areas of life, but I see it most often when it comes to marriage and courtship. I think this happens because there are universal principles that are true, such as love and respect. When a lady doesn’t feel loved she usually responds disrespectfully. When a man doesn’t feel respected, he almost always responds unlovingly. Much of marriage can be solved by learning to love and respect each other.
However, the principle of love and respect is just one piece to the puzzle. Relationships are dynamic. Many elements factor into them.
We come into marriage with more than one background. In fact, every person’s background is unique. How each individual handles conflict, what each person expects of roles, and which foundational beliefs make up each one’s understanding of life all vary from person to person.
Personality, style preference, life experience, relational history, church affiliation (and the unique prejudice’s that come with it), family structure, culture—all of these play into setting the tone of relationships. And remember, in courtship (or marriage) there are two individuals involved. Which means although you’re familiar with your own background and so forth, the relationship drastically changes as you date different people.
Relationships are dynamic and fluid, we can’t cookie-cutter them. There is no one right way.
They’re not meant to be fixed from their problems, like overheating cars are fixed from leaky radiators. They’re not meant to have a way they work. Rather, relationships are meant to be enjoyed like explorers enjoy the discovery of new territory.
You move into relationship with someone and you enjoy the ride. It’ll be rough, at times. Accept that, embrace it. Don’t try to avoid the struggle as if somehow avoiding it makes you have a really good relationship.
It doesn’t!
What makes you have good a relationship is that you can move through the difficult times and draw closer together.
If we’re going to talk about relationships it is imperative we understand there is no one-stop answer. It’s not as simple as fixing them of what we see is wrong and missing.
There is value in the current courtship model; but there is also error. Just as there was error in the previous model. Some people suggest the casual dating of our parents’ generation was better than what we have now. There is a reason people wanted change—something wasn’t working. Something was amiss.
Healthy romantic relationships are like piecing together a puzzle. Think of a huge mosaic on a wall. There are so many different images that go into the grand picture, so many minute lines and details that when put together create an exquisitely beautiful mural. In the same way, there are many different dynamics that go into developing a meaningful, lasting relationship.
Each courtship model throughout history has had both value and error and if we’re going to pave our way out of the current mess, we do ourselves a favor in acknowledging the many pieces to this puzzle which we somehow have to put together. Unless we come at this discussion from that perspective and not dogmatic about what we think is wrong and what we think would make it right, we probably won’t conclude anything better than what already is.
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Now let’s get more specific.
There are reasons people get married and there are reasons people don’t get married. There are reasons I ask a girl out, we date for ten months and then she tells me she’s not in-love with me. There are reasons I ask another girl out and discover she’s been praying for me the last eight months.
We went on to get married.
If we’re going to resolve the courtship dilemma, we need to start by understanding what leads people to marry each other in the first place.
Although each marriage has explanations unique to the individuals as to why they got married, I’d like to end this post by summarizing three universal factors I see why people get married, and why some don’t. These are by no means the only universal factors, I’m simply sharing three of the most basic yet often overlooked or underestimated ones. Help me summarize more factors in the comments at the end of the post.
The first reason people get married is that they have found a soul mate.
You and I can have tremendous respect for many different people. We can even be attracted to and have feelings for multiple individuals. Finding a spouse isn’t about having feelings for someone, but simply discovering they’re your soul mate.
Too often we look for extraordinarily romantic reasons for who or not to date and miss those around who are already sharing life with us. But here’s the catch: most times courtship isn’t the place we discover a soul mate—that’s where we take it deeper. Rather, finding a soul mate begins casually in friendship.
Who have you shared life with? Who can you talk easily with? Who do enjoy sitting across the table from? Don’t go running for someone you had romantic feelings for at Bible school if you haven’t first developed a friendship with them and sense you could be soul mates? Sometimes, our soul mate is standing right in front of us and we haven’t woken up to it yet.
Simply put, those who are married have found their soul mate and those who aren’t, haven’t. That doesn’t mean they never will, just not yet. And that’s fine. However, just because one hasn’t found a soul mate yet doesn’t mean the process they’re using won’t work.
But then again, maybe it does.
The second reason people get married is that God has brought their paths together.
God writes our stories. I think we find this hard to accept. The fact is, though, I got married at twenty because God brought me together with my wife. My friend who got married in his forties did so because that’s when God brought his path together with his wife. For whatever reason, that is how God wrote our stories.
At the bottom of any disappointment or pain is not necessarily an issue to be fixed, but an opportunity to accept the fact that God is writing a story different than what we expected. Most times when we’re tempted to try and fix an external element, we actually need to simply surrender to the reality that God writes the story, not us.
I am not suggesting that when you surrender to God—poof, you’ll find your soul mate! That’s bogus! Many friends of mine are deeply surrendered yet still unmarried. I’m simply saying that all of us, whether married or single, have to acknowledge God writes our story. I’m not married because I’m more spiritual or ready for marriage than someone who is single. I’m married because that is how God is writing my story.
The third reason people get married is that they have learned to be molded by others.
Don’t hear me wrong. Just because one is single doesn’t mean they don’t let others mold them. But unless we learn to be molded by other people, we probably won’t get married. Perhaps a better way to say it is we at least won’t have a healthy relationship.
Some of us enjoy winning debates. We do well at articulating our thoughts and persuading others to our opinions and beliefs. We find a sense of significance and value in being well educated and able to disprove other people’s erroneous logic.
We soon float to the surface and begin dominating our spheres of discussion. But our ability to win arguments does not attract a spouse to us. People are not looking for someone to be their spokesperson; they’re looking for someone to share life with.
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I am one of those people. I like convincing you of my beliefs. And you know what? I could even spiritualize it and come up with ways God wants to use this trait of mine. But the fact is, when I am more concerned about winning an argument than relating with people compassionately, my wife is profoundly embarrassed. Yes, she appreciates my passion and conviction. She was attracted to it, even. But she did not marry me to win arguments.
What is worse is that I used to take critiques of my personality as slams against my dignity. I felt rejected and would justify my weaknesses by pointing out their positive sides. In doing that, though, I denied myself the opportunity of growing into a better person.
My wife wasn’t slamming my dignity when she told me she was ashamed of how I argued with my brothers. My ego, yes! But if I am going to be shaped into a person of deep value I am going to also receive more than a few slams against my ego–and that’s okay.
Some people are not married because they don’t allow others to mold them. They take critiques of their personalities as personal rather than seeing it as an opportunity for growth.
Unfortunately, potential suitors won’t let you in very close if they don’t sense a willingness for sharp edges to be rounded.
Again, I’m not saying that if you’re unmarried you are not moldable. What I’m saying is that in order to be married and have a healthy relationship you will have to learn to let others mold you–even when they slam your ego.
The good news is it actually makes us into a person we prefer being. But it hurts, nonetheless.
A lot of pain happens in romantic relationships. I’m not sure we can get around that fact–it’s a part of meaningful romance. Even so, there is a crisis in courtship today. Something needs adjusted if not altogether changed. We won’t be able to be resolved it, though, without being honest about the simple factors that leads two individuals to marry each other.
