The Secret to Experiencing Meaningful Relationships

What if relationships weren’t meant to be about getting somewhere, but enjoying the journey?

Recently, my wife and I had a little squabble. The whole episode left both of us a little hurt and longing for deeper oneness as a couple. It’s in times like that I feel defeated and anxious of whether I’ll ever get relationships down, if you know what I mean.

We are all made for relationships. Even us men. We want meaningful relationships. But what does that mean? What does it look like?

My wife and I see other couples we admire and feel overwhelmed with getting from where we are here, to where they are. After little squabbles like the other night, it sometimes feels hopeless.

But what if relationships weren’t meant to be fixed?

What if they were meant to be enjoyed? What if what makes meaningful relationships isn’t that you’re as connected as you hope to one day be, but simply that you are moving in that direction?

The fact that my wife and I were able to come to a quicker understanding than previous times, or that we came away more aware of what went wrong then we usually are—what if that means we have a meaningful relationship because it shows we are moving toward deeper oneness?

This isn’t only true of marriage relationships, but it can be true of any relationship. What if having meaningful relationships with people means that even though we have differences and conflict, we still pursue each other?

Instead of just being a goof, I asked a personal question about my brother’s life. When I didn’t know how to be there for my Dad in his grief, I just was with him even if it felt awkward. What if that’s what makes relationship meaningful and it’s not so much about the end result?

If that’s true, it means you don’t have to believe the lie that you’re not good at relationships just because it doesn’t feel like you’re connected real deeply with anyone (or, for language us guys use, that you don’t have a golfing buddy). The value of our relationships isn’t determined by where we are in them, but where we’re headed.

Truly understanding this brings freedom in the way I relate with people.

First, I don’t have to be anxious about not being where I expect good relationships should be. If it’s a relationship where I have a hard time talking about personal things, I can make it meaningful by asking a simple, personal question. Or answering one instead of avoiding it. As I learn to do be vulnerable in small ways, being vulnerable in big ways is easier and I will soon connect at a deeper level.

A second way this brings freedom is that I don’t have to fear conflict. Conflict doesn’t have to ruin a relationship. In fact, most times conflict is the catalyst for growing a deeper love for each other. Having conflict isn’t a sign of a bad relationship, it’s a sign of struggle in a relationship. And if that struggle is because two people are moving towards each other, that relationship is quite meaningful indeed.

People who always avoid conflict never experience meaningful relationships.

Isn’t it freeing to realize that maybe we’re not as far off as we think we are? Sure, there are those relationships that will never be meaningful because one or both of us aren’t pursuing the other. But I think if we’re honest with ourselves we’d say that there are several key relationships in our lives that, while they’re not perfect and at the place we hope to one day be, there is movement toward each other.

I hope that in twenty years from now my wife and I are more connected and more one then we are today. But I also hope we still long for deeper oneness, because I think it’s the continual growth that reveals the level of meaningfulness in a relationship and not so much that we’re at a certain place.

Question: How does this concept free you as you think about your relationships? Share in the here.