Along with isolating singles, the church has a problem of idolizing marriage.
My wife and I have been married for six years at the time of this writing. We’ve had three handsome boys and one miscarriage.
Some people feel we’ve had too many kids in too short a time. But here’s the thing: we love family, and see it as a beautiful way to glorify God and pursue his mission. We love our marriage and see family as the natural extension of our romance.
But family isn’t everything.
And for the last thirty to fifty years the church has functioned as if it is.
Think about it: someone hasn’t really entered into adulthood until they “settle down, get married.” Whenever a speaker addresses issues single people might be dealing with, he refers to “the youth”—as if all singles are lesser developed adults.
And what if I told you I’m taking a six month trip to Greece to help with the refugee crisis…leaving my family in LA where it’s safe? You’d be appalled—horrified that I’d leave my wife and boys for so long.
What if a single man or lady in your community said they don’t think they’ll ever get married—not because they don’t want to, but because they feel called to something greater? You’d respond, “God bless him. I guess Paul was single. But, boy, I’d hate to miss out on marriage!”
My guess is that most of us, without thinking too much about it, would agree one hundred percent with the statement,
Having a great marriage is one of the best things you can have in life.
And therein lies the folly.
We focus on the family: we plan anniversary getaways and family vacations far out in advance, we protect family time more adamantly than prayer time. And when extended family comes to town, we skip out on church events so we can be sure to get in all the fun things we want to do with those we “truly love.”
This is what idolizing marriage looks like.
Don’t take my word for it. Ask the nearest post-college age single you know and he’ll tell you if the church idolizes marriage or not. He’ll show you ten more ways we have put family above Christ’s community, and romantic pursuits above meaningful friendships.
He’ll probably mention how many kindhearted middle-aged couples have tried to match him up or how many meetings he’s sat through where twenty-one year old married guys were given more voice then he was.
As the church, we’re infatuated with romance. We’re infatuated with family.
And we don’t know what to do with those who can’t have either right now.
Scroll through your Instagram feed and count how many pictures have to do with ladies getting special time with their man, or men celebrating how awesome their beautiful babe is.
Scroll a little farther and count how many pictures show young family taking an evening stroll or getting one last picnic in before the cold and winter snow.
My point isn’t to say those things are bad. As I said before, I love my family and you’ll find pictures like that on my feed as well.
But if you keep scrolling and begin asking yourself a few questions, you’ll notice what isn’t there.
You likely won’t find pictures of couples mixed with singles praying or singing together. You’re not going to find pictures of men or women (who are married) spending time discipling or serving someone one-on-one. Not because those things don’t happen—they may.
You won’t find pictures of them, though, because we don’t value them as much.
Think over how many families have come off the mission field because of their children. Many never go in the first place. I bet you could count several. And if you can’t, go ask the middle-aged families in your church why they aren’t overseas right now.
Raising Kids While Struggling with Depression
Here’s an intro into my journey with depression, raising kids in the middle of it, and how I cope.
Again, I’m not saying this because it’s wrong to be at home with your family. Neither am I saying this because I think missions are the ultimate proof you’re doing God’s will. I’m saying this because we don’t have any other way of processing life choices than through the filter of “what is best for our family.”
We’re not sure how to respond to Jesus when he says unless one hates his father or mother or wife or children “he cannot be my disciple” (Luke 14:26).
It’s foreign to us that somehow the gospel is much bigger than our own experience with it. We struggle to fathom the idea that as disciples of Christ we are to be embedded into his body—the church—in such a way that we process life decisions through the filter of “does this glorify God and build-up his body.”
Our idolization of marriage and family has made us infatuated with romance and created child-centered homes. Lost in the middle of it all are the ones who aren’t married. They are the ones who can’t have romance or family.
And we don’t know what to do with them.
If something is not seen as the ultimate experience, we’re not stumped when other people can’t experience it.
“You’re not able to go to the Super Bowl? That’s a bummer! But hey, you can always watch it. Or you could play your own football game. You could go to an Andrew Peterson concert, make play-doe and cheese rolls, or hang upside down by tethered-on tails.”
A small percentage of us reading this now have a deep desire to watch the Super Bowl live this year. It’s a cool thought. We’d take the opportunity if given it; but we’re not paying for it. We don’t really care.
But goodness gracious—if you cannot get married or have a family, what will you do with your life?
If having a romantic partner is “one of the best things you can have in life,” to be single (or denied the ability to have a romantic relationship) must be one of the worst. Naturally, then, we feel terrible denying divorced people the ability to marry again. In our framework, marriage, sexual expression, and family community is the height of human relationship and fulfillment.
But if we allow divorced people to experience sex and family again, then we must grant same-sex attracted people the same privilege.
Idolizing marriage is a big deal because not only are we missing the fulness and joy of the gospel through meaningful community with Christ’s body, but we are destroying marriage in the process.
As Matt Jones says, “Unless a community is seriously modeling a commitment to hospitality and grace for all stages of life, its sexual ethic, no matter how ‘orthodox’ it may sound, will never seem viable or good in any meaningful way.”[1]
Because many see marriage as the ultimate, we’ve allowed divorce and remarriage into the church. Because many see sexual expression as the height of human pleasure and marriage as the height of human relationships, we will eventually adapt our definition of marriage to fit a variety of sexual expressions.
Most of us are appalled at the thought of gay marriage in the church.
But we’re also probably struggling to fathom this concept of idolizing marriage.
Until we can see and repent of our idolization of marriage, and until we can develop a better theology of singleness, we won’t have any compelling vision for singles.We won’t know what to do with celibate gay people in our communities.[2] Gay marriage will become a norm.
So what must be done?
First of all, we need to get back to a more complete and biblical understanding of marriage.
What is marriage?
In short, it is a shadow. It’s a shadow reflecting God’s commitment and love for his people. Marriage is not the ultimate height of human relationship. It is in not the final stage of adulthood nor what confirms one’s ability to lead and carry responsibilities within the church. Marriage is a stage of life used to reflect the image and glory of God—as all stages of life are in one way or another.
Secondly, we need to explore what is the height of human relationship.
“Love—true, biblical, life-giving agape love—is not the same as sex,” Preston Sprinkle writes in his book, People to Be Loved. “One could have sex and not have love, and one can experience love that lifts you to the heavens and never have sex or romantic intimacy.”
Everyone has a deep need for love. That love is just as available to single people as it is to married people.
The problem is we have a hyper-sexualized culture which has formed an infatuation with romance even within the church. We can’t fathom loving someone intimately. We don’t even know what that means. All we picture is our spouses (or hope-to-be spouses).
But love is not sex.
If we believe the Bible—if we believe the gospel—then we need to stop this sort of idolizing of marriage. We need to recognize that those who are united with us in Christ have a deeper familial connection to us than those who are united with us through blood.
Some will think I’m demeaning the family. I am not. It feels that way whenever we take our idols off their pedestals.
What I am doing is simply asking us to stop idolizing marriage. I am calling us to develop a more holistic theology of love so people who are not in our stage of life can feel at home in our churches.
What will it take? How can we who are married love and commune with brothers and sisters in Christ who are at a different stage in life than we are, while also loving and communing with our families?
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to share in the comments below.
[1] Preston Sprinkle quoting his friend in People to Be Loved (2015), p. 171
[2] Quoting and adapting Sprinkle in People to Be Loved (2015), p. 169
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