5 Signs You’re Not Having Sexually Healthy Romance

I once talked with a young man who had never looked at pornography. He had never masturbated or had any addictive, unwanted sexual behaviors.

Yet, the more I got to know him, the more it became evident he had his own level of sexual unhealth.

For instance, he was infatuated with women. He thought about women almost all the time. He always had somebody he was considering pursuing a romantic relationship with and yet he rarely asked any of them out.

People think sexually unhealthy romance is simply the result of vivid sexual brokenness in your story, such as looking at pornography, having sex outside of marriage, committing adultery, and so on.

But sexual health or unhealth lies at a deeper level than simply how we act out.

Many things that can point to sexual unhealth in romance. Looking at pornography and committing adultery are certainly some of the most vivid signs. However, there are other far more subtle signs that reveal even those of us not acting out in vividly unhealthy ways may not be having sexually healthy romance.

Here are five of some of the most common signs.

First of all, you think of the word “sensuality” as being a negative word that refers to inappropriate or sexually arousing behavior.

Sensuality simply has to do with our senses and particularly awakening our senses.

God solicits our sensuality by giving us taste and good food, smell and delicious aromas, sight in beautiful views, hearing and harmonious melodies. Part of living in sexual health is having non-sexual ways of experiencing sensuality.

Do you enjoy flowers you walk by that combine both smell and beauty? Do you stop and listen to the birds making melodies throughout nature or enjoy good music that mixes together spine-tingling chords?

A healthy person leans into all areas of his senses and discovers a sense of worship in the middle of it all.

The second sign that you may not be having sexually healthy romance is that you have reduced romance to sex.

You know that you have reduced romance to sex when you only ever touch or express affection for each other when you are looking for or wanting sex.

Another way of putting it is that every time you touch each other, you end up in bed.

Now, this is fairly natural for newlyweds. At some point, however, healthy relationships rise beyond mere sexual expression to enjoying each other our whole beings. Romance is about much more than merely having sex. It’s about delighting and pleasuring one another in every area of life.

We know this when we’re dating because we create fine, romantic evenings without ending up in bed together. Unfortunately, if we’re not careful, the busyness of life and the ease of sexual expression can lead us down a path where romance and sex become synonymous, and that is not healthy.

The third sign is that you can go weeks without having sex.

Humans are biologically designed to share sex with each other. In other words, the makeup of our biology compels us to eventually have sex. This can happen in self-centered ways, unlike God designed, which ends up causing incredible damage. Sex can also be a fundamental piece of a couple expressing their love for each other.

If a couple is going weeks without sharing sex together, it points to something deeper missing. A healthy couple is going to cultivate connection in every area of life, and the more connected they become, the more they desire physical oneness as well.

When we are going weeks on end without having sex, it is important to ask ourselves why.

Is there unresolved tension? Or have you recently had a baby and it’s healthy for you not to have sex for a while?

Are you bitter towards one another, upset at each other about something? Or has your schedule been packed full of intense activities where you guys are working together and you simply don’t have time and energy for sex right now?

Many couples enter a season of sexual drought for no other reason than that they simply have not been nurturing intimacy.

The fourth sign that you may not be having sexually healthy romance is that you have personal, unwanted sexual behavior, and it is hindering your freedom during sex.

Looking at porn, fantasizing about other people, masturbation all of these will hinder connection with our spouse and they will affect our experience in bed even if we’ve convinced ourselves otherwise.

The fifth sign is that you don’t talk about sex.

Or more importantly, you don’t know how to talk about sex.

Even after ten years of marriage, my wife and I continue growing and learning in this regard. It can be challenging to keep up good, open communication about how we’re doing sexually. It sometimes feels awkward to talk about our desires or our needs. It can be challenging to be honest with each other because each of us feels extremely vulnerable when it comes to this conversation.

After all, we both want to be desired. Neither of us wants to be forced. We want sexual pleasure. We also sometimes simply need rest and sleep and don’t want the other person to feel rejected when we express that.

Something that has helped my wife and I is to discuss a book that specifically talks about marriage and sex. Having a discussion point like that becomes the launching pad for deeper conversation together.

Ultimately, however, when we’re not talking about sex, we’re often not talking about a number of other things either. We simply need to take time to connect. Emotional connection is as much a part of sexual health in romance as actually having sex is.

Granted, each of these sign have primarily to do with married couples.

We easily forget how easy it is to slip into sexually unhealthy romance even when we’re free to have sex. It tends to be easier to see sexual unhealth when we are single. In fact, and unfortunately, some singles may feel they are sexually unhealthy because of good and healthy desires within them. They simply don’t have an ethical way of fulfilling those desires at the time, and that can be a challenging journey to walk in the process.

It’s more difficult to see sexual unhealth when we are in a romantic relationship.

At the core of sexually unhealthy romance is a disconnection from our body and our soul. When we are sexually unhealthy, we have developed automated reflexes for finding pleasure and relieving pain without thinking through the effects our actions and even our motives have on others.

You can access our guided study Creating Sexually Healthy Romance today.

I’m excited to journey through this together with the 20+ members that have signed up so far.

Through this study, we will be diving into our own sexual stories. We will also look at what it looks like to relate in sexually healthy ways as a dating couple or as a married couple, and how to resolve sexual brokenness in our past stories or current relationships.

Along with video lessons, I’ll be sharing interviews I did with a number of people that offer tremendous insight into this topic.

If you recognize yourself in any of these signs, this study is for you.

Don’t wait any longer to join the study. If you’re like me, you’ll end up forgetting to sign up if you don’t do it now. So sign up today and let’s journey together in creating sexually healthy romance.

Simply,

1. Click the button below
2. Create an account
3. Enter your payment info

and you’ll be set to go!

Question: As you reflect on romantic relationships, what are some other signs one’s romance might not be sexually healthy? You can share in the comments below.

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