“If I feel sexually aroused and I’m not married, does that mean I’m lusting?”
As I’ve mentioned before, I am opening an “Is it wrong…” column on the blog. Each week we’ll take a look at an issue we might wonder “is it wrong” about and unpack it. If you have an “is it wrong” question, send me a note here and I’ll add it to my list. It’s growing rapidly.
This week, we’re looking at whether or not it’s wrong for someone who isn’t married to feel sexually aroused. Does it mean they are lusting if they do? And what is a person who feels sexually aroused supposed to do if they have no legitimate and meaningful way of fulfilling it?
I find this question worth exploring because it touches on how God made us as sexual human beings. It also touches on the difference between living within his design for us as sexual human beings and lust. This question is worth exploring because my hunch is that many of us have never had a blunt conversation about how we are wired.
Furthermore, there seems to be a vacuum of robust theology of desire in the church, and I think many of us lump having desires we can’t fulfill into the “lust” category. But doing that may actually cause more harm than good.
So, to help us make better sense of our sexuality, let’s explore the nature of sexual arousal and the role of desire in the Christian’s life.
Is It Physiology, or My Fleshly Nature?
You may have hesitation about reading further because you’re afraid reading on this topic may cause you to struggle with impure thoughts or make you feel (as we’re discussing) sexually aroused. And it’s likely the reason you consider that as a possibility is because you’ve had it happen to you in the past.
I have.
But here’s why I think this conversation is helpful: the fact that simply reading on this topic may cause us to feel aroused or to have thoughts we’d rather not have points to a way in which we are made physiologically more than it points to the sinfulness of having those thoughts or desires.
Don’t get me wrong, lust is sin. And we’re going to discuss lust and how we can identify it and find freedom from it. But right now we are primarily concerned about whether it is wrong to feel sexually aroused or to feel a desire for sexual fulfillment when we have no way of fulfilling it.
Busting Traditional Assumptions
It has only been in recent years that anyone has really explored the nature of sexual arousal. Because of that, there is much we don’t know about the way sexual arousal works.
For instance, the traditional assumption is that men are wired to be sexually stimulated through sight and women are wired to be sexually stimulated through touch and emotional connection. However, recent studies have all but debunked that assumption. Researchers are finding that there is far more complexity to what causes one to become sexually aroused than simply seeing or feeling the right kind of stimuli.
The bulk of my data for this topic comes from a review of sex differences in response to visual sexual stimuli by doctors Heather A. Rupp and Kim Wallen, which you can read for yourself right here.
It used to be that doctors assumed the primary way to arouse someone sexually was through direct, physical stimulation; while subjective stimulations (i.e. visual, emotional, contextual) worked as a meaningful, more subtle compliment for arousing someone sexually. For men, visual stimuli was the assumed favorite. For women, emotional stimuli was the assumed favorite.
But in their review, Rupp and Wallen cite recent studies suggesting all subjective stimuli is only as arousing as one is cognitively predisposed to being aroused by it.
Here’s what they say:
In a feedback process, subjective sexual arousal results from an interaction between cognitive and experiential factors, such as affective state, previous experience, and current social context, which set the conditions for the production of peripheral physiological reactions, which then feedback to affect cognitive reactions to the stimuli, resulting in feelings of sexual arousal, which in turn affect the extent of physiological arousal.
In other words, a man is not sexually aroused simply by seeing an immodest lady. Neither is a lady sexually aroused simply by feeling romantically pursued by a man. The extent that a person is aroused by another is determined by factors such as:
- How much does one like the other?
- How much experience have they had together (or how much experience has each had with sexual interaction)?
- Does the current setting lend itself to allowing the couple to have sexual interaction?
Pornography is extremely arousing because a person can develop affection for someone in a picture they’ve never met simply by creating in their mind a personality for the image that fits the type of person they’d like in a romantic way.
Furthermore, if they haven’t had much experience with sex, the lack of experience heightens the intensity to which they will feel sexually aroused. Finally, because pornography is viewed in secret, the setting lends itself to continue having interaction with the image and, therefore, the viewer will feel increasingly sexually aroused.
It’s not merely that the image is naked. That’s part of it. But if one saw the same image real live and in person standing on the street corner next to the garbage truck doing his rounds—and especially if one discovered that image actually has a personality quite different from what they fantasized—it likely wouldn’t arouse them as much.
Is It Wrong for a Christian to Masturbate?
Masturbation is one of those topics where there isn’t one easy answer for everyone. I want to be careful in writing about masturbation that I don’t cause unnecessary struggle for people, but I believe part of finding sexual freedom and healing is understanding our bodies and how they work and what causes us to do certain things. If we never talk about masturbation, it can actually cause people to forever wrestle with lust.
This is also why some will read an article like this which talks about sexual arousal and feel stimulated—they likely haven’t had much experience with the topic. Others, who are more familiar with the physiological makeup of our sexual orientations won’t be too fazed by the information.
There is much that goes into why we feel sexually aroused when we do. It doesn’t necessarily mean we are lusting. It may. But it may also be simple physiological responses to the things we are absorbing through our senses. Things absorb based on our current state of mind.
Rupp and Wallen go on to say,
…there is likely a sex difference in exactly how much cognitions influence subjective sexual arousal, but both men and women determine subjective sexual arousal as the product of physiological sexual arousal within the current cognitive state.
Purity ≠ Never Feeling Sexually Aroused
If this is true, it points to a much deeper conversation we need to have. And I find this to be more true to the human experience than the simple assumption that “men are aroused by sight and women are aroused by emotional connection.” Therefore, we need to talk about sexuality and what sets a person up for being so attracted to pornography.
You see, in my journey, I saw the feelings of sexual arousal as being bad. As I was desperately working to find freedom from lust, if I ever felt sexually aroused I would assume I was lusting and practically beat myself up mentally for sinning again.
I’d beg God for forgiveness and recommit to purity. Then, I’d set in place obstacles to try to keep me from feeling sexual arousal again.
But even within those limitations, I found myself feeling aroused at times. However, as I began to learn more specifically how I am made as a sexual being and how God wants us to have sexual desire and experience sexual fulfillment, I began finding a deeper level of freedom from lust.
As I learned more of God’s design and how it’s okay to feel desires for pleasurable things, I began to see my sexuality (and future sexual fulfillment) as more sacred than sinful. I began to more instinctively not want alternative sexual fulfillments.
Feeling Sexually Aroused and High on Adrenaline
We live for adrenaline. Men especially; but each of us enjoys the feeling of completeness and peace that adrenaline gives.
When we feel sexually aroused, adrenaline kicks in. What feels pleasurable about sexual arousal is the feeling of adrenaline rush. To quote author and counselor Bruce Lengeman,
It is one thing to deal with your sexual cravings… but it is another thing to understand why you have such uncontrollable desires in the first place. It’s because, physiologically, your sex drive is dependent on hormones. They are the creators of great, good, God-given sex, but they can also work to create an addiction to destructive sexual dynamics.[1]
Bruce goes on to explain,
…at the physical level, the drive behind sexual addiction is actually addiction to dopamine and adrenaline. Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that has many functions. Its role is not totally understood, but it services sex by being a pleasure producer. That feeling of peace and completeness you get while viewing naked [people] in magazines or videos is dopamine. The craving for sex is, in part, actually a craving for a dopamine fix. Adrenaline, often called epinephrine, is a hormone secreted by the adrenal medulla. It is released into the bloodstream in response to physical or mental stimuli.[2]
That good feeling we have as we become sexually aroused is the feeling of being high on adrenaline. Furthermore, the more we stay “high,” the more sperm builds up in our systems which will eventually need release.
The More Important Questions
Here are some bigger questions for use to explore:
- “Is it wrong to like adrenaline rushes?”
- “What makes us addicted to adrenaline?”
- “What are we to do when we feel sexually aroused but can’t fulfill the arousal?”
These are the things we’re going to look at in my next post. You can read it here: Pleasure, Sex, and Lust: why abstinence isn’t the most complete answer.
Is this helpful in understanding parts of your own journey? Have you ever had anyone explain the physiological makeup of your sexuality, and the difference between lust and God-given desire? Feel free to respond in the comments. I’d love to hear your feedback!
[1] Bruce Lengeman, To Kill a Lion (Apopka: NewBookPublishing.com, 2010), 47.
[2] Lengeman, To Kill a Lion, 47-48.
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