Marriage is confusing these days. And if you think I’m talking about out in society—I’m not. Confusion over marriage started in the church. Here’s what I mean.
It used to be clear in a family that parents were in control. Fathers were domineering, demanding their way or the high way. Mothers, well. . .that’s just how it was and so they went along with it. And it worked for a time.
But eventually the children of authoritarian homes decided to flex their muscles and demand their own way. We see where that took us as a generation of rebels rose up to take their place in the sixties, seventies and even eighties.
Domineering authority always breeds rebellion.
Out of legitimate concern for the unloving and ruthless way of relating, and reaction to authoritarian parenting, a new style of family rose up. Parents decided to focus on understanding their children and refusing to oppress them with a list of do’s and don’ts. Homes became child-centric as fathers and mothers tried to make space for children to discover themselves.
My generation, those of us born in the late eighties and nineties, are reaping the after effects of this new kind of authority. What we’re discovering is that we live in a time of deep confusion.
Where it once was clear that fathers are the head of the homes and mothers assist the fathers and children obey their parents, we’re not sure anymore. In fact, maybe home is simply a place for everyone to feel safe and free to express themselves, their beliefs and opinions, however they desire.
Where it once was normal for children to grow up being taught core values they never let go of because they saw the worth of such moral beliefs, we’re now seeing children grow up and decide these core values were good for Mom and Dad, but not them. Not because they’re rebellious, but because they’ve never been given guidance. And with the same amount of thought as if choosing chocolate over vanilla they discard these beliefs altogether.
After all, it’s whatever the children want. Whatever makes them feel loved and understood.
We never asked for this, and I’m sure we would not have liked the domineering ways of generations gone by. But this flimsiness, this afraid-of-being-controlling way of parenting has made us a confused generation.
Permissive authority always breeds confusion.
A well-known Christian author and speaker recently spoke out in favor of gay marriage and homosexual relationships. It’s caused a big ruckus in evangelical communities, yet again proving how fragmented and befuddled Christians in America are.
This author said two adults have a right to choose who they want to love, and if they choose to love someone of the same-sex, then the church should help provide marriage support and parenting help. She went on to say that she wants the very best for her gay friends: love, happiness, faithfulness, commitment, and community.
I support her desires for homosexuals. I also want gay people to experience love, happiness, faithfulness, commitment, and community. I agree that the church has not done well in relating with the LGBT community.
But is redefining marriage so they can find those things as they are really the solution?
How have we gotten to the place where professing born-again believers value relationships with people above faithfulness in marriage?
One of my favorite musicians is divorced and he recently met a new lady which he is now dating. They both share a common bond because she is divorced as well. In his own words, they have learned what it’s like to suffer and find healing from their pain.
I wouldn’t think anything of it except this musician is a believer. He claims to know Jesus and writes tremendous songs about His love and pursuit of us. According to this musician, though, a divorce is not travesty; it’s a trial to patiently bear.
We are now seeing Christians confused about marriage and accepting homosexual relationships because a few years ago we started permitting divorce and remarriage.
While in the middle of fighting against the liberal agenda and the right to bear arms, the church has been compromising little by little on far more important issues.
We don’t want anyone to feel excluded. We want everyone to have a chance at their dreams, to have community and commitment. So we quit calling out the men who cheated on their wives. We brushed under the rug the itinerate preacher whose wife left him. It became normal that “marriage doesn’t always work out.” So normal, in fact, that at one point, half of all the marriages in evangelical churches were broken.
You see, permissiveness breeds confusion, and where the church has permitted a redefining of marriage we are now completely confused about marriage and who God even is.
Marriage is, after all, God’s idea. Not man’s.
As I read through the Scriptures I notice that God uses no other parallel between Himself and His children as often as the parallel of marriage. Paul wrote to the Ephesians that husbands should love their wives as Christ loves the church, and he says wives should submit to their husbands as to the Lord for the husband is head of the wife as Christ is head of the church.
We get so excited about God’s unconditional love toward us and His gracious leadership of the church, but we miss the incredibly important truth Paul is saying. God’s love is a fact. He actually is head of (or for a better term, responsible for) the church. God not only uses Himself to describe marriage; He uses marriage to describe Himself.
He says in Isaiah that as a young man marries a young lady so He marries us and rejoices over us, His bride. This depicts God’s character and His character never changes.
Even though we have sinned against Him, and even when we are faithless, He remains faithful. He cannot go back on Himself or His word. He never redefines His commitment so He could get out of a difficult situation. And believe me, He has wished several times that He had never made us. We caused so much pain, if it wasn’t for someone interceding on our behalf, God would have wiped mankind out completely.
But God kept His commitment. He always keeps His commitment. And calls us to do the same.
In Genesis, where marriage first begins, He says that a man shall leave his father and mother and become one flesh with his wife. Jesus then said that no one should separate what God has made one. It is impossible to un-one what God has made one because God does not go back on Himself. As He says, so it is.
Marriage is tough, at times. All of us deal with selfishness and we’re all susceptible to going back on our word. Furthermore, society is a mess and their families are complicated. If we’re going to make disciples, we’ll find ourselves in sticky situations. But if we change God’s character so that a marriage can be broken, then we begin believing in a god whose love is conditional, whose word is fickle, and whose commitment is only as deep as the situation is convenient.
When we compromise on the commitment of marriage, it’s only natural to then compromise on the definition of marriage.
And the longer we compromise, the more we permit. And the more we permit, the more confused we get. When Christians become okay with something less than what Jesus calls us to, we lose touch of God and all that He is. Redefining marriage in an age of permissiveness leads to mass confusion and chaos.
Not love.
Not happiness.
Not faithfulness.
Not commitment.
And not community.
As Anabaptists, we are a couple stages back from the greater evangelical community.
We’re not completely confused, yet. But we are being extremely permissive.
We are not dealing with moral failures in a way that brings restoration and wholeness to our communities. We are not teaching the Gospel and the message of Christ as a spiritual reality, but rather as an alternative way of doing life.
We’re trying to correct the domineering authority of ages gone by, but in our doing so we’re entering into an era of permissiveness.
We are reading books and listening to speakers who are themselves divorced and remarried. When we do that, we begin following a different god then the One of love and faithfulness. The God we look to for grace and salvation does not compromise His marriage with us, and as long as we submit ourselves to be taught by those who represent a god different from the One True God, we will only be led astray. We will only end in confusion.
This is just one area we are permissive in.
While we can blame generations past for the pain caused by authoritarians, we cannot blame them for the confusion future generations will have to deal with because of our own permissiveness.
I believe God is a God of love. A God who longs to pour out His unconditional grace and favor on His creation. He deeply desires for all to experience relationship and community.
But He is also a God who is faithful. He is not fickle. And if we redefine marriage, we redefine God.
What needs to happen in our churches so we don’t redefine marriage? What other ways do we inadvertently redefine God? Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments.
