I got angry yesterday. I thought I was angry at my child. At least what he was doing really frustrated me. He was playing me—one of those power struggles. I didn’t know what to do.
I thought my anger came from my son’s lack of obedience. But as I thought about it, I realized my anger actually came from the fact that how I handled the situation exposed that I’m an imperfect father. I had an inability to chorale my son’s disobedient energy through loving, gentle discipline. Instead, I got frustrated and responded out of that.
When I was still at home and people would visit and compliment my parents on raising good kids, they would always say, “But for the grace of God! It’s nothing we did.”
That never made sense to me. Dad and Mom were extremely intentional with how they raised us kids. I look back on my childhood and see things they did that I want to copy in my own parenting because I see it as a major part of building character in me. What do they mean, “It’s nothing they did?”
Dad often said that his kids turned out in spite of their parenting. It kind of sounds like we are the product of an accident. But now that I’m a father, I’m beginning to realize what he meant.
Growing up in Christian culture, the burden of our parenting isn’t so much that our kids come to know Christ—although we would all verbalize that’s what we want. But in actuality it isn’t. What we really want is well-behaved, sensible kids with a passion for Christ that make us look like perfect parents.
We want to raise our kids without needing to lean into the grace of God.
No, we would never say that. I never would have. . . until I got upset yesterday, and realized that is exactly what angered me. My method of training wasn’t working and it damaged my ego. Furthermore, what I did to compensate for a damaged ego wasn’t just a “mistake,” it was sin against my son. The tone of voice. The way I jerked his hand to get him where I wanted him to go.
Sometimes I don’t understand how I’m coming across until I see it in his eyes and realize I’m being more aggressive than I intended. Yesterday, though, I knew exactly how I was coming across. Worse yet, I justified it because of how he was being disobedient.
And he was being disobedient.
That’s not the point.
My son’s actions needed dealt with, but what He needed most wasn’t more of Dad’s influence in His life. He needed grace.
I needed grace.
I needed to lean into the grace of God with my son because, while I am more mature than my son, we are both broken beings who have sinful behaviors deeply entrenched in our hearts.
Within the Christian culture in America we get competitive in our walks with God, marriages, raising of families and so many other areas of life. We have a deep drive to come out on top of those around us. It’s why we kind of resent counseling. We perceive that as a sign of weakness. We all know the basic fundamentals of faith in Christ, so rather than leaning into it and clinging to the truth that while we were sinners, Christ died for us and poured out a free gift of eternal life and gave us the abundance of grace to walk in victory, we try to bear the fruits of one filled with the grace of God without actually leaning into it.
Here’s what I mean by “leaning into the grace of God”:
I messed up the first round after my son did not respond to my training and discipline. He needed disciplined. He had blatantly disobeyed. But I feel that I sinned against him in how I responded. Because of that underlying realization, I then got angry at myself and took it out partially on him. I also slapped my hands in frustration and beat the air (both privately, not in front anyone, especially my son). The anger I was feeling revealed a sinful attitude in my heart. Regardless of whether I actually took it out on anyone or not, I was sinning. How is one who is currently sinning supposed to train his own son to quit sinning?
By leaning into the grace of God.
Romans 8 tells us that it is God who fulfills in us the righteous requirements of the law. Not our actions. Not our piety. God does the work.
You could say that grace is God taking personal responsibility to accomplish in us His righteousness and then empowering us to live righteously from here on forward.
But we must lean into it to experience it. We cannot take what we know of Scripture and faith and try to accomplish it on our own wisdom. But for the grace of God, nothing is as it should be.
God is working his grace in me and in my son. It is true that my child-training methods could cultivate well-behaved kids, and I could spend the rest of my life making sure that I train my kids just right and give them the appropriate levels of attention and develop in them appropriate levels of social skills, and my kids would turn out great. Many do. But my perfect parenting and wise use of training cannot change their hearts and build character. Only God’s grace working in their lives can do that.
That’s why we shepherd our kid’s hearts. We’re leading them somewhere. We’re not bestowing on them something we have already perfected. Sure, I could perfect my craft of writing and then teach them how to do it, but I cannot perfect my righteousness and then teach them how to be righteous. What I can do is lead them to the One who makes everyone righteous, even fathers who mess up.
I wish I could say I caught myself after round one and apologized to my son and round two went much better. Some days I’m less carnal and that’s how it is. But yesterday, I failed round one, two, three and four. I’m not even sure what round it was, but finally God got through and reminded me that He’s not needing me to be perfect in my training and discipline. He just needs me to be humble. If I am trying to fix my son, I’m working on my own strength—not leaning into God’s grace.
Yesterday, leaning into the grace of God was me bringing my son up on my knee and looking in his teary eyes and confessing that I have handled him wrongly and that I don’t know what to do. We need God. I told him that. I told him he needs to obey Dad and Mom, because God has asked Him to obey us. But I said we all need God’s work in us.
Usually, I pray with my sons after a one-on-one session. This was about the sixth one-on-one session in less than an hour so I wasn’t going to. But after sitting in silence for a little bit he looked up at me said, “pbray, Dad.”
So we did.
What is so dangerous about those moments we most need to lean into the grace of God is that a lot of damage can be done in a short amount of time. How an instance like that will affect my son for the rest of his life, I don’t know? I’m afraid of what it has done to his little heart.
But there is something that is even more dangerous than instances that call for an abundance of God’s grace. That is, parenting in such a way where we come out their heroes in our children’s minds. If our kids look at us and claim us as heroes at our funeral, that will be a side benefit of godly parenting. But every one of us should parent in such a way that leads our kids in humbly acknowledging our brokenness and need for God’s grace to work in us.
God is the hero. Not us.
But we so quickly forget that. We try raising them on our own strength so that we get the glory and the fame for having good kids and being good parents. What happens though, is when children are raised without their parents constantly leaning into the grace of God, their parents are perfect and they never understand their family’s need of grace. Those children become well-behaved jerks.
Dad was right, “But for the grace of God!” It’s nothing we do. We train, instruct, discipline, or encourage and praise. But God changes hearts. He grows character. His grace works in us as we lean into it.
I think while many of us grow up in Christian homes, we grow up in homes void of the Gospel.
When a home is void of the Gospel, approval is based on appearance and behavior, acceptance requires performance, and belonging demands that you add value in some way to the family. But the Gospel of Jesus Christ eradicates that kind of mindset.
The Gospel tells us approval is based on the fact that we are. Acceptance is only limited to the level that we accept Him. And belonging is always available, like the father standing on his porch looking down the lane so intently that he notices when his son, while still afar off, returns home and sprints down the lane to embrace him.
Perhaps the greatest calling of us as father’s is not to train just right, although we should learn how to do that, but rather to cultivate a Gospel culture in our homes and lead our families in leaning into the grace of God.
We are imperfect. But that’s beside the point. The Gospel is the story of how God’s grace works righteousness in us. We only need to humble ourselves and acknowledge our need of it.
