People often choose which church they attend because they are attracted to what that church believes. What many don’t realize, however, is that what actually keeps them around aren’t the beliefs, but the relationships.
Churches filled with people who believe pretty much the same thing split apart all the time. It’s not compelling beliefs that keep people in a church.
Neither is it always a change in beliefs that leads people away.
It’s the father telling his son “You are a disappointment to me,” when he chooses to marry someone from a different church tradition.
It’s the fact that a lady can go to the same church for three years without one person inviting her over for a meal.
It’s the fact that some pastors are only “concerned” about the young people’s spirituality when communion time rolls around—and what concerns them is that they’re wearing the wrong dress or listening to the wrong music.
What’s frustrating about those kinds of concerns aren’t so much that they aren’t concerns worth having; it’s that those same pastors don’t even know where they work, whether or not they have a good relationship with their parents, who some of their closest friends are, and why they listen to the music they do.
As I listen to story after story, I realize the church has a crisis of relationships—we have a crisis of connection.
I’m not using these examples to slam anyone. I know many pastors, parents and fellow church-goers who truly care for their friends and church body. I only share these examples because they are the types of stories I hear. The reality, though, is that we all find ourselves at times unable to relate as we’d like or know we should.
Think of a family member or close friend who has recently made significant changes. If you are like most people, you felt either (1) a bit of reaction—disappointment, hurt, confusion—or (2) a bit of insecurity—questioning your life and beliefs.
You probably find yourself tempted to change with them or condemn the changes they’ve made. It is because of the relationship you share with them that you feel these things.
We don’t stay at a church because of what it believes. We stay where we develop relationships. We stay where we find community.
We stay where we feel a sense of purpose and value and know that people have our backs when we’re at our best or at our worst, and we have theirs at their best and their worst.
Many try to figure out what is theologically correct or what is doctrinally sound, but we don’t keep people in a church or a denomination based on getting enough proof our church or denomination is right. We keep people in church by developing meaningful relationships with them.
And if they never find meaningful relationships within our church, they will inevitably leave.
You see, relationships shape the way in which we read the facts. They affect how “sold” we are on the doctrinal issues. Most thoughtful Christians spend time thinking through crucial issues. They study scripture, they listen to multiple perspectives, they pray and seek guidance of the Holy Spirit.
But in the middle of this, without us always realizing it, relational dynamics going on around us are tinting our perspective.
It’s not wrong that relationships shape our perspective–it’s right!
Actually, it just is.
We are relational beings, it’s how we are wired to move through this life. Which is why if we are concerned when people leave the church, we need to evaluate the way in which we related to them. It’s why if any of us are asking questions, challenging the status quo, and people are reacting to us and not liking what we have to say, we need to evaluate the way in which we relate to those people.
If any of us desire to have any influence with anybody, we must get a solid grasp on the concept that people follow relationships, not compelling beliefs.
As we go throughout this series, I’d love to hear your feedback. Feel free to share in the comments below what you mean when you say you’re looking for life.
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