Part of what makes it so easy to compromise sexually is when I don’t see any valuable purpose for my sex drive beyond sexual expression.
If masturbating, looking at porn, or having sex outside of marriage is all wrong, yet I feel an intense desire for sexual pleasure and am not married, what am I to do? Even if I am married, I can’t always have sex every time I feel like having it. And if I don’t know what to do, I inevitably give-in to Satan’s perversions.
None of us want the bondage of pornography. We know it only leads to guilt and shame, and we want to be able to look people in the eyes without having anything to hide. We want to be men who fight for others, as Paul told the Corinthians to be (1Co. 16:13).
Yet, unless we have something practical we can do with our sex drive that is not also sin, we will continue struggling with moral failure. It doesn’t matter how much we resist lust, or how much we rest in God’s promises that He will give us victory and remind ourselves of God’s truths concerning His plan for us. If there is not something we can do meaningfully in living out our sexuality, it looks pretty hopeless.
The strongest drive in our lives and the deepest desire of our hearts needs to be corralled and contained so it doesn’t get out of hand.
At least, that’s how it feels.
Maybe part of the problem is we aren’t sure of our purpose in life. Furthermore, maybe we don’t have any close relationships because we’re too scared of letting others see us for who we really are. No matter how hard we try to overcome, there are still too many times we compromise sexually. We feel anxious. We worry that we won’t do anything meaningful with our lives. We are afraid people don’t value us. And we feel guilty and unmanly because of how much we struggle with lust.
Trust me, I know what it’s like. And until I discovered how my sexuality influences more than just my sexual experiences, I felt the same way.
Men aren’t supposed to be afraid. Men should live with vibrancy and be heroes, not cowards.
Masculine Sex Drive Is for More Than Sex
We as men have been given our sexuality for a specific purpose. There’s a reason we are man and not woman. One theologian put it this way: “A person does not just have a male or female body, he is a man and she is a woman. Sex is therefore not just one personal characteristic among others, but a mode of being which determines one’s whole life.”[1]
Nepoleon Hill was an early twentieth century author who explored the mystery of sexual transmutation in his book Think and Grow Rich. Hill defines sexual transmutation as changing sexual passion into another form of passion or energy other than raw sexual expression. Here’s what he says:
Sex desire is the most powerful of human desires. When driven by this desire, men develop keenness of imagination, courage, will-power, persistence, and creative ability unknown to them at other times. So strong and impelling is the desire for sexual contact that men freely run the risk of life and reputation to indulge in it. [But] when harnessed and redirected along other lines, this motivating force maintains all of its attributes of keenness of imagination, courage, etc. which may be used as powerful creative forces in literature, art, or in another profession. . . The desire cannot and should not be submerged or eliminated. But it should be given an outlet through forms of expression which enrich the body, mind, and spirit of a man. If not given this form of outlet . . . it will seek outlets through purely physical channels.
I haven’t read Hill’s book in its entirety, and I certainly don’t condone everything he says. But I found what Hill wrote concerning sexual transmutation incredibly helpful in my own journey to moral freedom. You see, part of finding freedom is realizing that we are made to be powerful, not passive. And our sex drive is intended to channel that power for goodness and beauty. When we are not living out our lives in powerful ways, we will always struggle with sex addictions.
Christian author and counselor Bruce Lengeman says,
The passive male like an eight-cylinder car that runs on just five cylinders. He’s the man who doesn’t lead his family spiritually, doesn’t pursue his dreams, doesn’t fight for right, and sweeps problems under carpets. He’s content to survive, but not challenged to thrive. His life is often a quest to enjoy life instead of living to make a difference in the world or in his family. Male passiveness is a cultural poison and an epidemic plague, and has everything to do with the sexual climate in our society. Passiveness is so subtle that most men don’t see or understand it, but it could be the festering ground behind their sexual dependence.
Our sexuality makes up our physical bodies and affects everything else—mind, will, emotions, and spirit. The more we understand the physiology of our sexual make-up, the more wholly we understand and can live in God’s created design.
It is sex drive that compels us to go into burning buildings to save those trapped inside. The willingness to risk freedom smuggling Bibles into closed countries is not just youthful ambition, but God-given sexuality.
Sure, there are lessons young men need to learn about waiting patiently and being willing to do mundane work. But to live as God designed him to live means channeling his sexual energy wholeheartedly into powerful activities that bring about God’s beauty and glory on earth. When a man is not doing that, his sex drive will “seek outlets through purely physical channels,” either through intercourse or masturbation.
What Passivity Looks Like
To be clear, I’m not talking about laid back personalities when I refer to passive men. Neither do I mean aggressive, controlling behavior when I talk about living powerfully.
One’s personality does not determine whether he is passive or powerful. As Lengeman further puts it, “Passive means that part of your heart is undeveloped or shut down and that you have not fully discovered what God has designed for you as a man. As a result, sexual addiction fills the gap.”
Think of King David and his fling with Bathsheba. He should have been out at war with his army. Second Samuel 11 begins by saying, “In the spring of the year, the time when kings go out to battle, David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel.” David was king, not Joab. Yet, he stayed back where it was safe, where he could take a break and enjoy himself a little bit.
Instead of living powerfully and leading his men in battle. David chose passivity, shrugging his responsibility onto someone else. And it was in his moment of passivity (perhaps the only time we see passivity in David’s life) where he let the lust of his flesh lead him into a sin that would haunt his family for the rest of their existence.
David’s actions point to two different ways he was living in passivity.
First of all, he should have been out with his army. But there’s a second way he was being passive. Israel was supposed to be following God. The king lead his people in following God. But, David displays a sense of having forgotten God and relying on his army, which had grown to be quite powerful by then.
Had David lead his army as God designed kings to lead, he may not have ever let his sexual desire lead him into tragic sin.
Discovering Passivity in Myself
There have been times in my life when I found myself being passive. Sometimes I sense something is bothering Teresa, but because I am too afraid of conflict, too afraid of her not liking something in me, I ignore it.
There have been other times in our marriage when my wife struggled with depression. I didn’t know what to do, and it was easier to just try and keep her happy than to feel the deep emotions she was feeling with her. I experienced a deeper level of freedom and healing when I realized that part of the purpose for my sex drive is to pursue my wife and engage her emotionally.
Other ways I have been passive is by getting too involved in sports.
Every summer when baseball season rolls around I find myself getting pulled into following each game, keeping track of all the scores. If I’m not careful, I can spend hours after supper watching highlights instead of interacting with my boys, talking with my wife, or getting to know my neighbors.
There is nothing wrong with sports per se. But we are made for more. And, as long as we stay to ourselves huddled over smartphones, we will never experience what it means to truly be men.
Part of finding freedom for me was identifying passiveness in myself. I think it’s safe to say I am struggling with passivity if I,
- Spend more time on my computer, looking at my phone, or reading a book than actually engaging the people around me
- Fail to bring problems to solutions and instead let them work themselves out
- Choose the road of least pain, even at the expense of doing what is right
- Am unable to self-evaluate and acknowledge unacceptable behavior in my life
- Fail to lovingly address unacceptable issues in my wife just to keep the peace
- Don’t stretch my wife and family spiritually—do not take the lead in pursuing God
- Lack confidence in my ability to make decisions, follow dreams, or take risks
- Go with the flow of life instead of taking control of it—priorities are out of order
- Do not impart confidence and security in my children
- Am not motivated to be a world changer, warrior, or man of excellence
- Do not call my wife and children to their full potential
- Fly the white flag of surrender when the circumstances of life attack
- Get frustrated whenever my wife or children need me at inconvenient times
- Do not have the faith to venture outside of what I can figure out
- Live primarily to survive and protect my own world, reflecting a self-centered world view[2]
Living Powerfully
I’m learning to repent when I see passivity in my life—to repent from “standing back” and not participating. When I think of how God has pursued me, how He abandoned everything He had and came to earth to die in my place, I realize He desires my participation. He wants relationship with me, and that means I should not be a wet noodle, but an engaged man in His work of reconciling the broken world to Himself.
Passivity is the result of self-centeredness. Living with power is the result of other-centeredness.
Dr. Larry Crabb says, “We will neither understand nor enjoy our sexual natures until we take seriously our responsibility to use our distinct natures to serve others.” God has given us our distinct sexuality to serve others similarly to how He serves us.
Being powerful instead of passive can be scary. It can shake my sense of security because it is much easier to do things that keep the peace than to follow what I believe in my heart to be right and true. But passivity only leads to greater anxiety, fewer close friends, less confidence in what I want in life, and increased moral compromise.
When I live out of a sense of power instead of passivity, I find my purpose. I discover the value I have to offer others and I’m able to fight for them, bringing order out of chaos and creating beauty from ashes. Most of all, when I am living powerfully I find deeper intimacy in my relationships—strange as it may seem. Pursuing people instead of appeasing them always leads to more meaningful connections.
No longer do I feel anxious, afraid, and guilty. Now, I feel powerful, free, and worthy. Let me tell you more of what I mean.
Are you living powerfully? Do you resonate with these signs of passivity? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
[1] Quoted in Men & Women: enjoying the difference by Dr. Larry Crabb, p. 212
[2] Adapted from the list in Bruce Lengeman’s, To Kill a Lion—destroying the power of lust from the root (2010), p. 76-77
