How should Christians relate with people who want them to use preferred pronouns?
Growing up, the church my family attended helped facilitate a ladies retreat once a year. It drew between 150-300 women each year. I remember clearly the dilemma the committee faced one year when a transgender woman wanted to join.
Is this person actually a woman?
Should this person be allowed to mingle with other women who signed up for a solely female event?
Will anyone notice that this person is not biologically a woman?
Has this person had surgery?
What caused this person to become transgender?
These questions and more got batted around as the folks in charge attempted to navigate this challenge as graciously and Christlike as possible.
I don’t remember what happened then. Apparently, nothing too dramatic. But I do remember having a sort of grossed-out feeling about the person, even though we had never met.
It wasn’t until almost twenty years later that I would actually meet someone who openly identified as transgender. The conversation no longer seemed as simple.
I had imagined transgender individuals as having a sort of “Mrs. Doubtfire” appearance. You know, someone who had the basic physical features of one gender but trying to dress and act like the other. However, this person did not appear that way at all.
In fact, their choice to identify as transgender had more to do with things they were feeling inside than how they wanted to present themselves on the outside. It was their way of putting language to their human experience.
So when this person who looked to me like a man asked to be referred to in female pronouns, what was I to do?
Why We Need to Talk about Pronouns and Transgender Identities
I titled the first version of this article, “Is It Sin to Use Transgender Pronouns.” But I figured that some might fear an article with such a title is going to attempt to make an exception for people identifying as transgender. That’s not what I am attempting to do, so I came up with a different title.
But the underlying question of the article is still the same.
You see, this article is not written to my friends and family who identify as LGBTQ+ in any way. It’s written to those who hold to the sexual ethic set forth in scripture and held by the Christian church throughout history. This article is for those concerned about the trajectory of western culture at large redefining gender in ways that don’t align with scripture or science.
However, the default position of most conservative Christians that I know has been to whole-sale condemn transgender identities without much thought or effort in caring for their souls. This article will challenge that default posture.
Why the Default Posture Needs to Be Challenged
Conservative, fundamentalist-type Christians tend to enter these conversations by first making sure people know where they stand concerning theology and doctrine about sexuality. Unfortunately, this kind of approach tends to be blind to the fact that gender and sexuality have to do with people, not just ideas.
Real people are having experiences that cause inner turmoil around their identity as male or female. This is what we call “gender dysphoria.” The issue is not so much rightly defining gender, as some political and cultural pundits might have you believe. The issue is how to help people navigate their human experiences in such a way that leads them to true inner peace.
Folks who don’t care about people will focus on defining the right doctrine around this issue. But Jesus doesn’t save doctrine; He saves people.
Folks who care about people will care for souls as they lead them into faith in Jesus Messiah. Right doctrine matters to the degree that it transforms us into the image of Jesus and helps us love others as Jesus does.
Thinking with the Mind of Christ
I don’t question whether using one’s preferred pronouns is sin because I think gender is whatever we wish to identify as. I question it because,
- saying such does more than the Bible does, and
- I don’t see people who take this posture bearing fruit that leads to repentance
Such an approach seems to only further culture-warring. It divides brothers and sisters in Christ and alienates the people right in front of us dealing with gender dysphoria.
We need to talk about the use of pronouns because real people face genuine confusion over their identity and it leads to suicidal ideation and self-harm. The lazy route is to blame the person struggling as being “messed up” and “needing counseling.” As if we don’t have a part to play in their emotional and psychological development. This only perpetuates confusion and despair, especially when coming from people who claim to follow a loving Jesus.
Most people see this discussion as merely a progressive vs. conservative argument, missing the individuals involved. What might happen if we first put on the lens of Jesus before sharing our opinions on the matter? What if we first entered people’s stories to truly understand what they’re dealing with?
We just might find issues far more pressing than arguing over pronouns.
A Word to Parents
Throughout this discussion, I want to acknowledge the significant challenges faced by parents whose children identify as transgender. As I delve deeper into the article, I’ll address aspects related to young individuals and rapid onset gender dysphoria. However, even if you’re a parent of a child who later embraces a transgender identity as an adult, it’s an undeniably complex situation.
Regardless of whether you agree with my perspective on this matter, I want to honor all parents and the paths you choose. I recognize that you grapple with this issue more deeply than most people.
I have people close to me who have chosen to identify as transgender or non-binary. For me, this is more than a theoretical conversation – I face it pretty directly. Nevertheless, it still cannot compare to the complexity of turmoil I would face if it were my own child. Such a situation would undoubtedly intensify the struggle of knowing what to do.
That’s why I’d like to openly acknowledge that parents find themselves in many ways facing an insurmountable challenge.
I See Your Grief
From my conversations with a few parents and the stories I’ve heard, I perceive a mixture of emotions. Grief and sorrow are prevalent, along with concerns and possibly guilt. Parents can often wonder whether their actions contributed to their child’s confusing experience.
Furthermore, parents deal with grief and sorrow for a variety of reasons. On one hand, they grieve the mere fact that their child is dealing with this struggle. Regardless of what they think about their child’s choices, parents face a sense of grief over the struggle itself. No one should have to endure confusion surrounding their gender identity.
But there’s an additional layer of grief parents often face. When their children make decisions that don’t align with their own values, it hurts. Both sides struggle to stay connected with love and compassion despite disagreeing on choices.
I See the Complexity of the Situation
To repeat, this article isn’t aimed at those dealing with gender dysphoria. They have their own intricate journey of emotions as they process their history and relationship with their parents. I want to honor both parties in this experience. But for the purposes of this article, I’m focusing on those navigating relating with people facing gender dysphoria.
I want to emphasize that I see the struggle parents face and honor their decisions. This article is not an attempt to make parents feel shame about the position they’ve chosen to take. I’m fully aware that they’ve come to their conclusions through deep wrestling.
Moreover, the situation changes for parents when it involves young adults, especially teenagers. Even though society tries to reduce parental control, parents still matter. I’ve watched as youth dealing with gender dysphoria still turn to their parents, even amid strong disagreement.
The home is a place of safety. At least it should be. I realize it isn’t always. But even in less than ideal circumstances, home is still where people feel a sense of belonging and safety, even when there’s a level of chaos. It is important that we give parents the space to live out their conviction.
Furthermore, it is important that we free parents from unnecessary guilt. While their child’s struggle inevitably involves them to some extent, it is not an indictment on their success. Like all of us, their children live in a broken world. We all deal with the evidences of corruption within ourselves. As long as we have breath, however, the story is not completed. Relationships can be restored. Hearts can be healed.
I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge this upfront before delving deeper into the essay.
Table of Contents
Truthfully, this conversation is far more complex than a yes or no answer to whether or not we should honor one’s preferred pronouns. In this deep dive, we’re going to look at,
- Why some Christians think it is sin to use preferred pronouns
- A counter perspective known as “pronoun hospitality”
- Some real-life experiences I have had that help shape my approach in this conversation
- One particular instance when I would NOT use preferred pronouns
- Guidelines and questions to help us navigate the conversation in a healthy way
Ready to dive in?
Then let’s begin with Rosaria Butterfield’s disappointing article published in the spring of 2023.
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