Question Submitted: Where do we separate judging from judging? That was not a typo. Proverbs talks about “iron sharpening iron” and yet people crouch behind Matthew 7:1. And so, how do we separate the two and what are ways to confront issues such as this?
If I understand your question correctly, you are asking “how do we speak into each other’s lives without being accused of judging?” Anymore, if someone raises a concern about something a brother or sister says or does, that brother or sister takes the concern as judgment, right? Yet, does that mean we are not ever to address issues we see in other people’s lives?
I have pondered this very issue many times in the last number of years. One by one I see different millennials making decisions that I, personally, am uncomfortable with. Some people even doing and saying things that stand in direct contradiction to Scripture. Yet, I never say anything. Most times I don’t say anything because I am not close enough to the individual for it to be appropriate. But many times, I don’t speak, because I fear they won’t listen. I fear they will think I am stuck in the mud, have a chip on my shoulder, and am a slimy fundamental judgmentalist.
So, your question is quite relevant! I can relate. And the following thoughts come as observations—certainly not doctrines.
Each generation has their trends. Millennials certainly have theirs.
A few trends I have noticed among us are that we tend to be independent, enjoy autonomy, and want extreme tolerance.
This can be good. For instance, we have a willingness to stand for something regardless of what other people think and believe. That kind of independence is valuable because we are not easily swayed by popular opinion. Furthermore, we don’t allow ourselves to be limited by other people’s expectations and/or cultural standards or traditions. Again, a quality worth having if we are to live out the Gospel in a society set against the Gospel. And we extend grace and love for people who aren’t like ourselves. We have less of an “us vs. them” mentality and there is no question in light of the Gospel this is a good way to trend.
However, each of these trends have their extreme down-sides, as well. Because of our independence, we don’t value the input of other people into our lives. Because of our autonomy, we float from community to community, according to what we like. And because of our desire for tolerance, whenever someone speaks negatively or critically, we see it as judgment. Rarely do we see it as positive exhortation.
It’s kind of funny, really, because as I listen to people talk (through emails I receive and conversations I have) I hear a desire for community. And yet, we seem to despise everything community involves. And I can identify. It hurts whenever someone expresses concern about something I don’t believe to be wrong. Furthermore, I don’t like being tide-down, and needing to abide by rules and expectations I did not necessarily approve. But as we are finding, without community people are lonely. People don’t flourish.
So, we need community, and that includes everything we may not like about it.
I believe we’re scared. We are scared of being controlled, rejected, disappointed, and let-down. This has happened in the past and we don’t want to experience it again.
We want relationships. That’s essentially what “community” is to us. We use the word “community” to mean “relationships.” “Community” to us tends to be about having close relationships with those we “click” with. Even though, in theory, we want a more diverse community than the church has traditionally had, we have a difficult time actually living it out. And I believe we struggle so because of our fears.
But like anything, just because it can be used wrongly, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have it. True biblical community, true love and grace and relationships make space for speaking into one-another’s lives. That phrase—“one-another”—is used 59 times in the New Testament. You cannot have Christ without also having His family. And without the “iron sharpening iron” sort of relationships in our lives, we only experience shallow community, shallow friendships, and ultimately a shallow form of Christianity.
So, how do we separate the two (judging from sharpening each other)? Following are five closing thoughts I have on how to sort through all of this.
First of all, we must remember the command is not to never judge.
Rather, Jesus is telling us to be careful in how we judge others because we will be judged in the same way. When someone cites Matt 7:1, it says more about them and how they look at other people than it says about the person they are citing the verse to. For instance, if someone came to me expressing concern about some clothes I wear, and I say, “judge not that ye be not judged.” It doesn’t prove they were judging me; it proves that I look at other people’s clothes and conclude things about them. If I didn’t, I’m not sure I would have felt they were judging me.
Secondly, we must be aware of the beams in our own eyes and properly deal with them.
Jesus doesn’t stop after Matthew 7:1. He goes on to tell us to remove the beam in our own eye so we can see more carefully how to remove the speck in our brother’s eye. It’s kind of humorous, if you think about it. Not only is Jesus pointing out that we have issues in our own lives to deal with, He is also insinuating that those who are most anxious about dealing with other people’s issues have even bigger issues they aren’t willing to face.
Third, our goal must be to build each other up.
Wanting to speak into someone’s life must come from a heart of love for them, wanting to see them flourish; not writhe in pain. This is not about proving we are better Christians than them; it’s about working together to faithfully follow Christ (Gal. 6:2). So then, anytime we approach someone about a concern we ought to come humbly, gently, and lay a clear foundation that we care about them.
Fourth, we must follow-up with real, active care and relationship.
Talking to people about issues cannot be simply for the purpose of “getting it off our chests.” In fact, I suggest if that thought or feeling comes to mind, it proves we do not actually love them. We’re talking about real people with real heart needs. Let’s care for them, as we would want them to care for us.
Finally, especially as millennials, we must extend the grace we long others to extend to us.
So, if someone approaches us in a truly judgmental and negative way, let’s be gracious. Reacting to what they say only shows we are the same kind of person. Grace always requires more pain than most of its proponents are willing to suffer. And if we want grace-filled communities, we must be willing to bear the pain of giving others grace, ourselves.
There has certainly been a lot of pain caused in churches throughout history because of people “burdened” for others. I believe much of these burdens have been judgments toward people. But I am not convinced the issue is that they should have never judged. Rather, Christians fail to understand Christ’s message behind why we should not judge.
If we want to grow in Christlikeness, we must be willing to receive other people’s input into our lives. Let’s just make sure we respond in grace and love. And if ever we need to speak into someone else’s life, we will then know how to approach them with true, effectual care.
What are your thoughts? How do we speak into each other’s lives? Is there ever a time to “judge,” or should we always let it up to the Spirit to speak to people we’re concerned for? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
