There’s nothing like the dinner table to bring out the best and the worst in family. And after a year of tension, some families might be glad COVID-19 restrictions limit gatherings.
I hope it’s not that bad. But if your family is anything like mine, there are still likely certain topics everyone would just as soon ignore.
So how can we make the most of our time with each other when opinions on politics, social issues, and global pandemics may threaten any semblance of peace and goodwill?
I could tell you not to talk about politics.
I could say we should ignore the conversations where we have differences and focus on fun, non-competitive games that make us laugh.
But what if there’s something better we could do? What if there was a way we could enter this holiday season confident that no matter what conversation comes up, we could draw closer to each other instead of being further alienated from one another?
I guess I should acknowledge that it’s probably not going to be easy, but it could be the catalyst to far more meaningful future family gatherings.
Would you like that? Are you interested in finding out how to make the most of your time with family so you walk away feeling closer to each other and not more distant from one another?
While family gatherings are going to be more limited this year than perhaps other years, this is what I want out of this holiday season. If it’s what you want as well, I suggest we practice the art of (1) focusing on what we have in common, (2) being willing to learn something new, and (3) listening to understand, not to respond.
Focus on What We Have in Common
This isn’t about avoiding difficult conversations. It’s about recognizing why the conversations are difficult in first place.
Think about when you meet someone new. How do you relate with them? You could have a million and one things you disagree on, but most likely you will spend the first thirty minutes of your time with them trying to find commonality.
We don’t have the difficult conversations with people we don’t sense commonality with. It’s after we find commonality, and differences in spite of the commonality, that certain conversations become extremely difficult to have.
There is something we don’t quite want to lose, and it feels risky.
The commonality could simply be that you’re family and you see each other multiple times a year. You are forced to interact more often than with others because you’re family and you each value staying connected with family.
Focusing on what we have in common is one of the ways Scripture teaches unity. For instance, the Apostle Paul frequently reminded his listeners of the commonality they have in Christ and the mutual indwelling of God’s Holy Spirit whenever he addressed conflict they were dealing with. (see Gal. 3:26-28 and Eph. 4:1-6).
So if you’re playing games, laughing, crying, or debating about the election results, remember you’re family and you value keeping long-term connection with each other.
Remembering this tempers our responses so we’re more respectful than when we are simply focusing on convincing others we are right.
Another commonality may be that we care about justice and truth. Maybe one of us is more progressive and the other is more conservative. If you did not share the common value of justice and truth, you would have no interest in having conversations about right and wrong ways to function in society.
So if racial issues comes up or the issue of social media censoring, remember that you both care about justice being done and the world knowing truth.
Remembering this tempers our attitude so we are more ready to hear the other person’s side than simply bombarding them with ours.
Be Willing to Learn Something New
I am most difficult to converse with when I think I know more than you. Have you ever thought about that?
And I know from experience that I’m not the only this is true of. 😉
Whether we are simply excited to share something new we’ve learned or whether we really feel we are more informed than those around us, we all tend to over-estimate our scope of knowledge.
What if we recognized that every individual sitting around the table had something they could teach us?
What if our goal for our time with each other was to draw out of one another that thing they know that we don’t?
Isn’t this what Proverbs 18:15 calls seeking knowledge? The wise are always increasing in learning (Prov. 1:5), and a sensible person accepts correction (Prov. 15:5).
Whether you actively seek it out or not, at some point during this holiday season, someone is quite likely going to tell you something that doesn’t seem right to you or doesn’t line up with what you have experienced. Before launching into a rebuttal, remember they have something they could teach you. This helps you find ways to explore their thought a little further and it diffuses hostility in the process.
Plus, if at the end of their trail of thought you realize they actually don’t know what they’re talking about, having first listened to them and having sought to see things from their perspective will likely have gained you a listening ear for whenever the time seems appropriate to share your perspective on the matter.
Instead of making further enemies out of each other, you might just have made deeper friends.
Listen to Understand, Not to Respond
“But see—that’s not what I’m talking about….” I thought as listened to my brother expound on why he thinks 2020 will cause people to value in-person interactions over virtual interactions.
I had just explained how I was hopeful about some of the new technologies being realized and developed as a result of the push to go virtual this year. As an author and speaker, it provides the potential to do certain events without always needing to leave my family in the process.
It felt to me that he had misunderstood what I was talking about.
But you know, I was misunderstanding him, too.
He is right. This year has reminded us of the irreplaceable value of physical interaction with other human beings.
And while new technologies have their place in providing new opportunities, when I stopped trying to respond to him and correct what I thought he misunderstood and instead just sought to understand what he was saying, I learned something new about my brother and realized we have something quite in common: this year has been lonely for us.
And virtual interaction doesn’t quite do justice in reminding our psyches that other people exist who care about us and want us a part of their lives.
When we are busy formulating our responses instead of seeking to understand what the other person is actually saying, we only perpetuate misunderstanding and frustration. Perhaps this is why James warns us to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger (Js. 1:19-20) and why Paul tells us to think of others as more important than ourselves (Phil. 2:3).
Instead of correcting each other or “one-upping” their response, what if we asked clarifying questions or invited them to say more?
Don’t Avoid the Tension, Just Hold a Different Posture
By all means, don’t go into your time with family looking to pick fights. Play non-competitive games that make you laugh. Do the traditional round-the-table exercise of sharing one thing you’re grateful for this year. Watch your favorite Christmas movies.
But if you’re busy doing all of this in hopes that certain conversations don’t come up, my guess is you will likely have an extremely miserable time with family. At the very least, you will come away feeling like you didn’t actually connect.
Difficult conversations don’t have to drive us apart. If we can focus on what we have in common, be willing to learn something new, and listen to understand and not to respond, we can move towards each other in ways that create lasting friendships with family instead of tolerated enemies.
What does your family most often do when you get together? Do you have lively discussions? Play games? Perform skits? Go hiking, snowmobiling, swimming, or snowboarding? Share in the comments below and let’s see how many different activities are represented. 🙂
Hey, thanks for reading! If you have felt disillusioned by the controversies surrounding issues today, Unfeigned Christianity provides a safe space for sorting through it all.
As a member, you gain access to practical resources and community support designed to help you (1) find answers to difficult questions, (2) gain a deeper understanding of God’s Message, and (3) live from a genuine love for God and others. Click the button below for more details:
