Marriage is intense! The overpowering sensations of finally marrying the lady you love is enough to make the most pragmatic guy lose his balance. But why don’t those feelings last forever? What causes the thrill of it all fade within a few months?
Yesterday, my wife and I celebrated our second anniversary. That’s not a long time, but there are days it feels like a miracle that we made it this far.
I remember within a few weeks after our wedding—after I ambitiously committed to gently loving my wife forever—getting so frustrated with her. It surprised me. Sure, I knew we’d bump into differences at some point, but what shocked me most was how soon I had evil thoughts about her.
My wife processes things internally. When I exclaim over something, she doesn’t necessarily respond. It’s easy for me to take this personally because I come from a family who responds to everything. If you don’t respond, in my family, it likely means you’re upset. Therefore, every time I point out a restaurant I’d like to check out, and she acts as if she didn’t even notice, I get irritated and wonder what I did to deserve that kind of treatment. I begin resenting her, and before long, I literally believe she’s intentionally ignoring me. So I ignore her back.
Sacred Marriage
How do we overcome such silly malice? I know she loves me and she knows I love her. Nonetheless, we get ourselves into ridiculous quarrels, sometimes. Why can’t we sustain those feelings of enthusiasm for each other?
One of the most meaningful marriage books to us is Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. It’s been a valuable tool in our own marriage as he leads us in rethinking the purpose of marriage. Through gaining perspective, we find new hope for our young marriage and how we can have a truly intimate marriage.
Three helpful truths we found in Sacred Marriage are:
- Marriage requires mature love that goes beyond romanticism
- Marriage is designed to make us more like Christ
- Marriage calls us to find our satisfaction in God
Let’s take a deeper look at each one.
Marriage requires mature love that goes beyond romanticism
A wedding calls us to our highest and best—in fact, to almost impossible—ideals. It’s the way we want to live. But marriage reminds us of the daily reality of living as sinful human beings in a radically broken world. We aspire after love but far too often descend into hate.
It’s inevitable. At some point, we lose the passionate feelings of romance we felt on our wedding day. If those feelings define intimacy for us, we’re in trouble. Romantic love has no elasticity to it. It can never be stretched. It simply shatters. Mature love, the kind demanded of a good marriage, must stretch, as the sinful human condition is such that all of us bear conflicting emotions.
Marriage is designed to make us more like Christ
I believe purpose God intended for marriage is to shape us into the image of Christ. Think about what Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:2,
“…It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” (ESV)
This no doubt refers to sexual immorality. But think about the other kinds of immorality in us: anger, bitterness, selfishness, pride, and rebellion. Could Paul have been indicating that it is good for us to marry because it forces us to deal with our selfishness, pride, bitterness, and become more like Christ?
If you want to be free to serve Jesus, there’s no question–stay single. Marriage takes a lot of time. But if you want to become more like Jesus, I can’t imagine any better thing to do than to get married. Being married forces you to face some character issues you’d never have to face otherwise.
Marriage calls us to find our satisfaction in God
We can work at making our home life more pleasant and peaceable; we can explore ways to keep sex fresh and fun; we can make superficial changes that will preserve at least the appearance of respect and politeness. But what both of us crave more than anything else is to be intimately close to the God who made us. If that relationship is right, we won’t make such severe demands on our marriage, asking each other, expecting each other, to compensate for spiritual emptiness.
Whether you’re married or not, you probably try to compensate for spiritual emptiness one way or another. What might happen if you quit compensating, quit expecting other people and other things to make you whole and start opening up in brokenness before God, allowing Him to make you holy?
My wife and I are slowly learning that the purpose of marriage is not happiness, but holiness. It’s not about the intoxicating feelings of romance—although, as we grow in holiness, we are freed to share those moments all the more. Ultimately, though, it’s about becoming like Christ.
Any situation that forces me to confront my hatred and teaches me to truly love has enormous spiritual value. That’s why it’s called Sacred Marriage.
*If you would like to check out the book for yourself, you can do so by clicking here.
