“You just know when it’s right.”
That’s what everyone said whenever I’d ask how to know when you’ve met the right person to marry. At the time, it felt like a cheesy cop-out.
Honestly, I think we worry too much as singles about finding the right marriage partner. It’s not as complicated as we make it. At the same time, the reason we tend to worry is because there has been a lot of pain caused from broken relationships in the pursuit of marital intimacy. While I believe pain is a part of the risk of getting close with someone, I also believe there are a few ways we can help lessen unnecessary pain.
One of the ways we can do that is mentor others going through that stage of life by sharing our stories with them, which is why I share mine. There’s no formula for figuring out who one is going to marry. Each couple’s story will be different, and that’s not just okay—it’s right.
But when people ask me how to know when you’re ready to propose to your girlfriend, rather than giving the cheesy retort, I try to think a little deeper and figure out what were pivotal moments that convinced me I was ready to propose to Teresa.
When I stop and think about it, there are four distinct realizations that led me to propose. Here they are:
1. Does she want me?
When I realized that Teresa wanted me as much as I wanted her, it took our relationship to a much deeper level. Up until that realization, everything we did was pretty much focused on getting the other to want us. Once we realized we did want one another, we could actually get to know each other’s true personality.
If you’re dating and considering whether or not to propose, I’d say a great starter question is, does she want you? You’ll know when she does. If you’re not sure, then don’t propose quite yet. Be patient and give her the time and the freedom to let you know in her own way on her own timetable.
2. Does she find my efforts to pursue her romantic?
It blew me away how easily I could romance Teresa. (Shh!! Don’t tell her I said that.) I never felt like an extremely romantic sort of guy, and my attempts to romance her weren’t always flashy or well delivered. As good as I am with words when it comes to writing, I often found myself at a loss when it came to expressing how I felt about her. But no matter what I did to express affection for her, whether it was write a little note, explain the meaning behind the color of rose I gave, or take her on a walk so we could talk, she always responded to them and found them deeply meaningful.
If you always feel like you’re not quite measuring up to her expectations of romance, then she’s probably not the one. Because being pursued by the guy you like is romantic. And if you are honestly pursuing her, and if she truly likes you, she will find it romantic.
3. Does she love me for who I am, or because I’ve been perfect?
We were traveling from South Dakota back to her parent’s place in Colorado after visiting some friends for the weekend. We were also talking through some issues. I forget what about, exactly, but I remember her looking at me and saying, “I don’t like you because you’re perfect.”
It was a powerful moment for me. “She likes me. And not because I have everything altogether.” What a relief, because sooner or later she would have discovered how truly imperfect I really am.
If your relationship has not entered the stage where you are comfortable and real in each others presence and like each other, even when you blunder and do things that expose your weaknesses or the faults of your families, you are not ready to propose to her unless you have also processed the importance of being committed to her regardless of what you discover later in marriage.
4. Can I let her go through life alone?
The crucial moment for me was realizing that if I walked away, if I called off the relationship and decided to pursue something or someone else, I could never live with myself. I couldn’t bear to see her go through life alone. When I realized that, I knew I was ready to propose.
Every guy will say he’s at this place already on the first date, but that’s just infatuation. You have to give it experience. With her. With her family. Let the guards come down a bit and then see if you still feel the same way.
You Actually Do “Just Know”
The thing about proposing for marriage is that you’re proposing to someone you’ve had a relationship with. At least in our western culture that’s how it works. Relationships aren’t predictable. They shouldn’t be. There will never be five fire-proof steps to guarantee marriage as the outcome, no matter what people tell you.
Relationship is risky. You get to know each other and see if it’s a fit. The time span of that differs. The depth of relationship may differ, but when the time is right for marriage, you have a mutual sense of agreement. You really do “just know,” and engagement is simply a formal declaration of what is already felt.
However, sometimes we can oversimplify complex questions we face in life. I believe the four questions posed above can help any guy identify whether or not he’s ready to propose and whether or not she may be ready to say yes.
One Final Observation
I do want to point out an observation, though. I think there is a lot of fear in romantic relationships these days. Fear of pain. Fear of ruined reputation. Fear of needing to measure up to unrealistic expectation. I sensed that fear in myself and hear it in many others, especially men.
It hurts to pursue someone and be rejected. I’ve experienced that. But sometimes I think we wait around too long, making sure everything is perfectly ready so we avoid the pain. We are the men. We are the one’s who will need to make the move. She may be trying to communicate her mutual desire for marriage, but it’s just not getting through our thick skull.
If you’re in the process of pursuing someone, or you want to someday, become comfortable with trusting your instinct and constantly seeking God’s direction. Sooner or later you’re just going to have to make a move. Whatever results is not failure, but another part of your story.
Marriage is wonderful! But it is risky. Taking that risk is the greatest expression of love.
Question: Have you found yourself wrestling with knowing when to propose? Do these questions resonate with you? Maybe you have more to add on the topic of dating. Share in the comments here.
Are you someone who wants to be able to look people in the eyes without having anything to hide and to be able to fight for others? Yet, maybe you’re looking at porn or habitually masturbating. You feel guilt and as if you’re less of a man, but aren’t sure how to gain victory. If that’s you, I invite you to check out my brand new book, Live Free: Making Sense of Male Sexuality.
