Is Physical Touch in Courtship Wrong?

Perhaps everything you’ve thought about touch in courtship is incorrect. Or at least incomplete.

When Teresa and I first started dating and were deciding whether or not to be “hands off,” we asked our Dad’s about what they thought. But they didn’t have a strong opinion. They blessed us to do what we felt was best.

I think Teresa’s Dad requested that I honor her wishes, which was perfectly appropriate. However, I was looking for more definitive answers. I thought our Dad’s would make the decision for us, but that’s not what happened. We could do whatever we wanted.

What’s right? Is it okay to have physical touch with your girlfriend? Or should a dating couple not touch at all?

There is a lot of teaching out there that promotes hands-off courtship. While I’m confident the motives are right, many people have developed the idea that if a couple has any physical touch in courtship they are giving in to fleshly desires, and sinning. Which simply isn’t true. Not in every case.

4 Misconceptions about Physical Touch

As I’ve listened to conversations about physical touch, I’ve discovered several misconceptions we have about it when it comes to courtship.

First of all, many believe that physical touch in courtship leads to sexual sin.

Touch doesn’t lead to sexual sin. Lust does. (Check out James 1:14) And it’s possible to touch someone without having lust in your heart.

On the other hand, the second misconception is that physical touch is harmless.

It’s not. When it comes to romantic relationships and physical touch, it is never fully satisfied until sexual intercourse. And we have to be real about that in order to truly understand its place in courtship.

Thirdly, some people say that touch during courtship lessens the meaning of touch after marriage

That’s only half true. Obsessive touch when dating is often because of something unhealthy in the relationship. When that couple gets married, touch no longer fills the void and something else becomes the obsession, maybe even leaving touch out altogether. Not all dating couples use physical touch to fill an unhealthy need in their relationship. In fact, for some it may be a proper complement that only deepens meaning after marriage.

Lastly, people also say that a couple should set a standard early on and commit to it for the rest of the courtship

This can be problematic because when a couple makes a declaration like that, they will likely quit communicating about it. A healthy couple needs to constantly communicate about touch even if they make a specific commitment. I’ll share why, later. It can also bind the couple to a commitment that isn’t necessarily needed for purity. Sometimes commitments like this give a false sense of maturity. However, if the couple feels like setting a commitment would be helpful to them in keeping it in the right focus, that’s great!

The Short Answer

So, is physical touch in courtship wrong?

For those of you that don’t enjoy reading long posts, I’ll give the short answer now. For those that do, keep reading.

No, it’s not wrong. But,

• Honor your parents
• It depends on the maturity of the couple
• Be sure to constantly communicate – even if you’re “hands-off”
• Don’t go beyond your level of commitment

Now let’s take a deeper look at all of this.

What the Bible Tells Us about Touch in Courtship

Scripture doesn’t really address physical touch. It has plenty to say about marriage, immorality, sexual sin, and purity; but it doesn’t really go into details about physical touch in courtship. I wonder what Isaac and Rebecca did, since they’re the classic example of courtship. Or Boaz and Ruth. She slept at his feet before they were married! Can you imagine that happening today?

A common passage used against touch in courtship is 1 Corinthians 7:1-2. But let’s look at what Paul is really saying.

“Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: [It is] good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, [to avoid] fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.” (KJV)

The word touch in this passage means something more than holding hands or placing your arm around her shoulder. It literally means “to have sexual intercourse.” Paul is actually quoting what they had written him about: “It is good for a man not to touch a woman.” He responds in verse two by saying “to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife and every women her own husband.”

This passage isn’t talking about simple physical touch, but is acknowledging the temptation to sexual sin and that it’s good for a man to have one wife and a woman to have one husband because of it.

A More Biblical Way than “Hands-Off”

I think there’s an even more biblical way than just declaring “hands-off.” Though scripture doesn’t address touch in courtship directly, there are numerous key principles we can pull from it to help us sort through this issue.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 6:12,

“’All things are lawful for me,’ but not all things are helpful. ‘All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be dominated by anything.” (ESV)

“All things” is pretty broad.

Physical touch is lawful for me, but not all physical touch is helpful. Physical touch is lawful, but I will not be dominated by it.

How do we know if it’s helpful or if we’re dominated by it?

In Ephesians 5, Paul talks about how we imitate God and walk in wisdom. In verse 15, He says,

“See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise. . .” (KJV)

I never understood exactly what Paul is saying here, until I thought about it terms of my life—past, present and future. Circumspectly implies that I’m carefully looking at my surroundings. What if by looking carefully at the times surrounding me I could see if physical touch in courtship is right or wrong?

Take a look at ways you have failed in the past and ask yourself, “In light of that, what is the wisest thing for me to do in relation to physical touch in courtship?” Think about your current circumstances and again ask the question. What are your future hopes and dreams? Considering the marriage you hope to have, what is the wisest thing for you to do now in courtship?

By looking at the past to see what temptations you usually give in to, and acknowledging your current circumstances along with expressing your future hopes and dreams, it helps you as a couple discern whether touch is something that has the potential of dominating you or not.

6 Conclusions I Came to about Physical Touch in Courtship

Teresa and I decided that until we got engaged, we didn’t want touch distracting us from getting to know each other. Because touch is meaningful to us, we knew our relationship could soon become centered around it, even though we were confident we would never commit sexual sin.

We hugged when we greeted each other or said goodbye. We’d lean shoulder to shoulder. I even took her hiking across a stream just so I could offer my hand (how lame is that!). Once we were engaged, however, we had a little more touch, such as holdings hands.

Both of us had tremendous peace about our decision, even though it was not necessarily typical in our circles. As we went through that experience, and as I think about it now two and half years after marriage, there are six conclusions I have about physical touch in courtship that I think are important to consider.

1. Honor your parents’ wishes

If your parents want you to have a hands-off courtship, you need to honor that and trust that they have your best in mind—because they do.

For Teresa and I, we were essentially given the sky as the limit (not really). But I have a friend who I know had the maturity to hold hands during his courtship, but didn’t because her Dad wasn’t comfortable with it. That’s admirable. And if your parents want you to have a hands-off relationship, respect that. Also, skip to my fifth conclusion.

2. Physical touch in courtship is not committing sexual sin

I think the “hands-off” teaching came after the increase of premarital sex back in the sixties, so it’s focused on keeping couples from facing the temptation for sexual sin. But just because you touch doesn’t mean you’ve committed sexual sin. In fact, if the relationship is committed to marriage, holding hands can be an appropriate expression of that commitment.

3. It is like playing with fire

Touching someone you deeply love will arouse you and you need to be prepared for that. When Teresa and I didn’t hold hands, we wanted to. Once we held hands, we wanted to kiss (just to be blunt). It’s not wrong—perfectly good and natural for a couple pursuing marriage. But if our hearts are filled with lust we are playing with fire and will be dominated by the physical touch. That’s when it is wrong.

4. Get wise advice

Don’t just read my post and make your own conclusions, get the advice of older friends who know you both as a couple. Whether or not touch is a complement to a relationship or a distraction is based on the maturity of the couple. And, honestly, other people can tell our maturity better than we can.

5. Communicate, communicate, communicate

This goes for every dating couple. One of the biggest mistakes a couple can make is fail to communicate about touch—even if they’re “hands-off.” They never know what each other is thinking. What does “hands-off” mean? Can they kiss as long as their hands are off?

Or if they do touch, what are the expectations? Will they hold hands all the time? At the supper table? In front of their siblings? During church? Will they snuggle, or does there need to be a cattle trough between the two of them as they hold hands? Communication about their touch is key to maintaining clarity and safety in the relationship whether a couple touches or not.

If you allow physical touch in your courtship, there may come a time you realize it’s becoming obsessive and you need to gear back.

Several times throughout our engagement, Teresa and I quit holding hands for a while because it felt like we were beginning to rely on it as they primary way of feeling secure.

Or sometimes I put my arm around her too often and it caused her to struggle because it felt closer and more intimate than what we should be at that point in our relationship. So I stopped doing it as much.

This is also why I say you don’t need to lock yourself into a “commitment.” We found that more important than setting a specific standard we couldn’t deviate from was constantly communicating and being honest with other about it. If it was becoming too much, we’d back off. Or when we felt like it was a good time to implement some touch, we did so without feeling guilty.

Constantly communicate. Even about the little things. It helps you both know what to expect, and (guys!) it makes her feel safe.

6. Most importantly, don’t touch beyond your level of commitment

If you’re touching just to touch (because that’s what romantic relationships are all about), you are sending the wrong signal to the other person. If you’re not committed to marriage, holding hands can make it feel like you are.

Here’s why this is so important: a successful courtship is not about getting married. It’s about figuring out whether marriage is the next step. If a couple dates and decides they want to get married, the courtship was successful! Or if they decide marriage is not for them and the separate, the courtship is still successful.

Even more than expressing feelings, physical touch is an expression of commitment. Feelings come and go throughout the journey of courtship, but you want to base your touch and endearments on how committed you are to the other person. If you’re not ready to say “I will spend my life with you even when things get hard and we both become ugly,” you should probably not have much physical touch.

As long as you match your words of endearment and physical touch with the level of your commitment you will not regret it.

Yes, it’s okay to have physical touch in courtship—it’s not wrong. But that doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone. Hear your parents’ wishes, get advice, evaluate your own personal level of commitment and be sure to talk about it as a couple. That will help you figure out whether it’s right for you.

Question: Have you thought about this issue much? Or maybe you have dated or are dating and have dealt with this issues personally. What are your thoughts? Share in the comments.