What’s a guy to do when he asks the girl of his dreams out and she turns him down? Or maybe they were dating, but she decided to break it up. Does that mean it’s over for good?
This week my wife and I are celebrating our third anniversary. I find it hard to believe it has been three years already because I remember so clearly how scared I felt when I first called Teresa’s Dad. I pushed it off for about a week. I was afraid that I would receive a “No.”
We have this thing called courtship, modeled after our “romance patriarchs”: Isaac and Rebecca, and Boaz and Ruth. As I understand it, the goal is to have a romantic relationship built by serving each other and around the purpose of pursuing marriage as opposed to simply having fun. But is what we call courtship in crisis?
Rather than having a relationship that is pursuing the possibility of marriage, it’s become more as though we have to decide whether marriage will happen before even beginning the relationship. That makes saying yes to a simple date all the more stressful.
I’ve had a few guys come to me and ask what they’re supposed to do with a “No.” Does it mean, “Not at all. Never!”? Or does it mean “Check back in a year”?
After a year at Bible school together, my relationship with Teresa kind of evolved to the point where I had mentors and my parents encouraging me to pursue her. When I did, I found out she was just as interested in me as I was in her. Things happened pretty quickly from that point and three years later we have two kids and counting.
But what would I have done if she had said “No”? How do we as guys know when a romantic dream is over, or just delayed? And if it’s over with her, what do we do when it’s still there with us?
Before we get into much more, let’s build a little context for our dilemma.
The Week of Fasting
If you are a follower of Christ, than you have probably heard about courtship. And if you are familiar with courtship, then you are likely familiar with the idea of fasting and praying about the girl you want to pursue.
Maybe you’ve even done this. You spend a lot of time seriously considering whether or not to ask her out. You like her and it feels as if she has mutual appreciation for you. You begin praying about her, and when you get really serious, you take a week and fast about it. During that time you receive direction that feels like it came straight from the mouth of God and He says to pursue her.
So you do.
But she says “No.”
Perhaps that’s not how you went about it, but you get the picture. After all that time taking it seriously and seeking God, and then getting the go-ahead to pursue her, she turns you down and you’re left wondering what to do next.
Three Truths about Romantic Relationships
Having personally gone through the process of finding a wife and having watched several friends who have unique and different stories than my own, I see three truths about romantic relationships that we can’t ignore.
First, both the guy and the girl have to want the relationship if it’s going to result in marriage; but they don’t have to both want it at first.
Obviously the guy probably does—why else would he ask her. But he can’t force the lady to want it, and that’s crucial for marriage. In our western culture, a guy doesn’t get to marry a lady unless she wants it just as bad as he does.
However, it is possible that a lady can enter courtship uncertain about the relationship and end up falling in love.
Nevertheless, for marriage to happen they both have to want it, but not at first.
Secondly, both are listening to God, but He may say two different things.
I found this one hard to understand. How can two people be listening to God and He say two different things. If God is telling me to pursue her, wouldn’t He tell her to be pursued by me?
In the context of marriage, God will always tell us to pursue our spouses. He never tells a spouse that it’s time to break up the relationship. But pre-marriage, the journey of courtship or dating or whatever you want to call it is a part of the unique story that God is writing with our lives. And He may include a courtship that doesn’t end in marriage as a part of that story.
Guys, God may lead us to pursue a girl that He doesn’t intend us to marry. Just because He told us to pursue her, doesn’t mean He’s told her the same thing and we need to be sensitive to that.
Lastly, both need to like the other, but not necessarily at first.
Along with wanting the relationship, a third truth about romantic relationships is that both need to have romantic feelings for the other. However, romantic feelings aren’t necessary for the relationship to begin.
In fact, if your marriage was built around romantic feelings, you will likely face a lot of inner conflict after marriage when you realize that those feelings aren’t always there.
But here’s the powerful truth: romantic affection comes as the result of pursuing someone’s heart. Don’t let feelings be your judge of whether or not to pursue or be pursue by someone.
Jack and Sue
Jack and Sue have known each other most of their lives. They grew up getting their diapers changed side-by-side. As kids, they played everything from house to cops and robbers, but when they became teenagers, their paths diverged and they soon lost communication with one another.
Years later, in their early twenties, they met up again at Bible school. Jack took a liking to Sue. Not just the “we grew up together,” kind. He wanted to marry her. But when he asked her out, she wasn’t so into it. In fact, there was another guy that she kind of liked.
After talking it over with her Dad, she said “No.” Jack didn’t know what to do. Why had she turned him down? Was this permanent? Or was she just not ready? He had spent considerable time praying about it and really felt that God told him to pursue her, but then she turned him down. Had he heard God wrong?
One of Jack’s good friends had also asked a girl out and gotten turned down. But a year later he asked her out again and they started dating. Now they’re married and have a little girl. So Jack decided he would wait a year and ask again.
But when he did, he received another no. Sue was respectful about it, but she didn’t feel like it was what God wanted her to do right then.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jack wondered.
In the following months, Jack oscillated between anger and frustration, and disillusionment and indifference. Soon, he wasn’t sure what he wanted. He thought she was the one, but she kept saying no. He found himself struggling with angry thoughts towards her and wasn’t sure if he even liked her anymore. But if she would happen to change her mind—well, that made his heart flutter. Does that mean He still likes her? Yet, she keeps saying no.
5 Pieces of Advice I Wish I Had When I Asked Her Out
This story is obviously fictitious, although it includes examples of a few actual relationships, including parts of my own.
When I ask ladies about how to know if a “No” means “Never” or if it means “Later,” I find that there are a few principles we as guys can remember as we pursue our marriage partner. The reality is there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, and that’s the beauty of it. Even though it doesn’t feel beautiful when you’re going through it. Romance is meant to be slightly mysterious. Formulas destroy romance, both in courtship and marriage.
At the same time, we guys feel absolutely lost as we’re adventuring through uncharted territory. Every mystery has a guide helping the main character, and both men and women need that kind of guide as we pursue romantic relationships. The guide doesn’t necessarily know the outcome, but has words of wisdom to share at opportune times.
If Teresa had turned me down the day I called to ask her out, here’s what I would have wanted my guide to tell me.
1. “Be in conversation with God about it”
God cares about your future marriage and wants to be included in the journey. So why not talk with Him about it? Not just a week of fasting to figure out if you should ask her out, but the whole process—even after she’s turned you down. The ups and downs and all-arounds—bring them all before Him and let Him help you sort it out. Because there is no one-size-fits-all answer, the answer you need to hear will only be found in conversation with Him.
2. “Be sensitive to her feelings”
Stay in-tune to how she is feeling. There may be times it feels as if you can go back to how it was before you asked her out. At other times, she may feel quite uncomfortable in you presence. Learn to read those signs and act accordingly. You shouldn’t try to force her to always be comfortable, but neither should you stand aloof as if she doesn’t exist if she does feel comfortable.
3. “Respect the fact that, for now, she said ‘No'”
Give her the time and emotional space to process everything. Does a man sometimes have to pursue his lady multiple ways before she consents to a relationship with him? Yeah, but if she has given a no, respect that. Give it time and give her space while you giving it time.
4. “Be willing to woo her affection”
After you have given her time and space, and if you are still wanting to pursue her and you sense a peace from God about pursuing her, it’s okay to try to cultivate her affections by taking an interest in her life and helping her in unobtrusive ways. Don’t sing songs outside her window in the middle of the night, but also don’t be afraid to step into what feels “chaotic” (because she rejected you once) and be gentlemanly, engaging in friendly conversation with her and finding ways to laugh together. If you’re serious about it, you may have to work for it. Be willing to risk again.
5. “Above all, follow God’s calling on your life”
If there is one thing that is absolutely imperative for us guys to get ahold of, it’s that life is not about marriage (or cars, sports, money, politics, college degrees and weekends). There’s a calling on our lives that transcends who we marry, and that’s what we need to stay focused on and pursue with more energy than the lady we want to take with us. As we follow our calling, we’ll find a wife that fits into that story and together we live for something bigger than ourselves.
If we don’t have our focus on God and the calling He has on our lives, we’ll end up following women and women don’t want to be followed. They want to be lead. They want to be a part of an adventure that is beyond them. And when we are following women, we have a hard time knowing what it is we really want in a wife. Soon, romance becomes childish drama and that usually ends in more pain than beauty.
Now It’s Your Turn
I wish I could tell you there’s a simple way to know whether or not you should ask a girl out again, and I wish I could promise that romance won’t be confusing. But the reality is there’s a lot of mystery to the wonderful journey of finding a life partner. These are five pieces of advice that have helped me understand that mystery a little better. What about you?
What do you wish you could know about dating? Or if you have dated, what do you wish someone would have told you before you started? How should guys handle nos?
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*You may also enjoy reading: What I Wish I Knew before Pursing a Girl
