We have distorted the meanings of “submit” and “respect” by only focusing on the passages that speak to wives. Many passages speaking to “submission” or “respect” also speak to men and husbands.
I started this project earlier this year when news broke of Josh Duggar ‘s arrest for using child pornography.
It took me almost three and a half months to finish it, in part because of an eight-week trip our family took where I did not write much. But this article has served as a catalyst for me to rethink our common views as conservative Christians about the roles of men and women.
It took me a while to finish it because I keep listening to more stories. I keep taking second and third looks at passages in the Bible that I once thought clearly taught a particular view of gender roles.
I am increasingly concerned that much of our interpretation of Scripture regarding gender roles is informed by patriarchal culture rather than sound exegesis. For those familiar with the term, I am not comfortable with egalitarianism. But there is almost too much baggage associated with complementarianism for me to hold it with any sense of dogma. This project is an attempt to resolve in my own heart and mind some of the crucial issues to which I refer.
More specifically, I am asking the question, “What should submission and respect look like in the context of abuse according to biblical theology?”
Many have wondered if Josh Duggar’s wife Anna will divorce him. Sources close to the Duggar family say it is unlikely Anna Duggar will leave her husband. That would mean abandoning the belief system the Duggars have built their theology of marriage on: Wives must submit to and respect their husbands.
The Duggars are not the only ones who live by this motto. Much of conservative Christianity in America has been built around the purity movement and the teachings of people like Bill Gothard and Emerson Eggerichs. As far as I know, Gothard and the Eggerichs have nothing to do with each other. But the purity movement, Gothard, and Eggerichs all emphasized that women should submit to and respect their husbands, even in abusive situations. This mindset has shaped much of conservative Christianity’s view of marriage today.
But are women really supposed to “submit and respect” at all times?
Should Anna Duggar (or any other woman similarly situated) put up with her husband’s constant sexual sins and hope things will change?
Or is there a place for a wife to separate herself and her children from her husband? Could separation be necessary for protection and could it provoke a husband like Josh to actually get the help he needs?
The Biblical Basis for “Submit and Respect”
The concept that wives are to submit to and respect their husbands comes from two main passage: Ephesians 5:22-24, and 1 Peter 3:1-6. Both passages emphasize that wives are to be “subject to” their own husbands, and 1 Peter goes so far as to say, “…even if some do not obey the word.” It appears that submission is not contingent upon the husband being obedient. Rather, Peter suggests that such husbands can be “won without a word” through respectful and pure behavior.
1 Corinthians 7:13 further establishes the idea that wives are to submit to and respect their husbands. Here Paul says, “If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.” Jesus also taught against divorce, which we will discuss later. At first glance, it looks like there’s not much leeway for women who are in abusive situations to get divorced. But I think we should clarify a few things before we conclude what’s best for wives (or women in general) who are in dangerous relationships.
First, we need to understand the context of Ephesians 5, 1 Peter 3, and 1 Corinthians 7. Second, we need to define “submit” and “respect.” Third, we need to observe whether Paul (or any other biblical author) addresses what to do when a spouse is abusive or living in sin.
Paul’s vision for people in 1 Corinthians 7 is that each person “remain as he is” (verses 17 and 24). He says this not to bind us to an impossible task, but to promote good order and secure our undivided devotion to the Lord (verse 35). We should keep that in mind when we see what these New Testament writers have to say. The goal is not to figure out how to get our way – be it husband or wife, oppressor or oppressed. The goal is to have “undivided devotion to the Lord.” How are we to live when we are fully committed to Jesus as our King? This is the question.
With this question in mind, we dove in to better understand the context of these passages. We gained context for Ephesians 5 in the first article, context for 1 Peter 3 in the second article, and context for 1 Corinthians 7 in the third article. In this article, we’re going to zero-in on the terms “submit” and “respect” and clarify what we mean by them.
The Word “Submit”
The Greek words for “submit” and “respect” are hypotassō and phobeō, and they have pretty straightforward meanings. Hypotassō means “to arrange under, to obey, to subject one’s self,” and so on and so forth. With this word, I think we need better clarity on function than we do on definition.
In the New Testament, when hypotassō is used it’s always a third party exhortation to voluntarily submit one’s self to another authority. Jesus submitted himself to His earthly parents (Lk 2:51) and to His Heavenly Father, even to the point of death (Phil. 2:8). Every person is to submit themselves to governing authorities (Ro. 13:1, 1Pet. 2:13). The church submits to Christ (Eph. 5:24) and we are all to submit to each other (Eph. 5:21).
The moment a person of authority or power demands another to submit to himself is the moment that person has taken on a fleshly way of thinking about authority and power. His idea of submission is no longer biblical for he is doing exactly what Jesus told us not to do (Matt. 20:25-26). For one, he ought to be focusing on whether he is submitting as well. He is not exempt from the exhortation to submit. For another, submission is not his to demand. It belongs to those under his authority to voluntarily give.
As a caveat, this is why it is important for disciples of Jesus to submit to governing authorities: their submission is so countercultural and counterintuitive that it seems to open a door in the authority’s conscience for greater influence (see Ro. 13:5).
Submission is first and foremost voluntary, and it is not for only women to voluntarily do. Wives submitting to their husbands is merely an extension of everyone submitting one to another (Eph. 5:21). Furthermore, Ephesians 5:22 isn’t the authoritative instruction for how she should handle situations when her husband has been sexually immoral or abusive.
Submission is about order and arrangement. Biblical submission is about ordering ourselves as a body under Jesus as King. To submit to Jesus is to live our lives according to His way. If a husband claims Jesus as his King, yet has decided not to submit to Him , his wife will confront that because of her submission to Jesus (see Matt. 18:15-20). Biblical submission is not about enduring behaviors that don’t feel good, it’s about living with Jesus as our King—even in the midsts of confrontation.
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There are so many different perspectives on the issues facing Christians today that it’s hard to know what is right or wrong.
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This can eventually spiral into depression and disengaging altogether, if not dealt with properly.
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