In my recent book, Live Free, I share my journey toward making sense of sexuality and learning what it means to live sexually free as man. You can download four free chapters at the end of this article.
Have you ever wondered how to know if you are sexually free? Obviously, if you’re looking at pornography, having sex outside of marriage, or molesting other people you are not free.
But did you know a person can avoid pornography all his life and still live in sexual bondage?
Sometimes, sexual bondage takes a far more subtle posture in one’s life than committing grave sins. Yet, it can still cause one to feel locked, a sense of guilt and shame, and unable to live free and fully alive as God designed him to live.
Sexual freedom isn’t about not committing sexual sins; it’s about living as one is designed to live.
So, if we want to evaluate where we are at on the sexual freedom scale, we need to look a little farther under the hood than simply what we’re doing with our sexual desires.
Someone who isn’t sexually free fantasizes about intimacy. He doesn’t have a vision of healthy intimacy which he is moving toward. Instead, he plays-out in his mind what it would be like to be married to so-and-so, what it would be like to have sex, what it would be like to have certain areas touched—you get the picture.
This kind of man isn’t necessarily actively pursuing marriage, and neither does he have a clear sense about what he would do in life after getting married. He might think marriage would solve his struggles with lust, but it won’t. Lust points to something deeper out of whack in his heart.
A man or woman who fantasizes is desperate for intimacy. The thing about fantasy, though, is we walk away feeling as if we got intimacy while still being entirely alone.
Another trait of someone who is not sexually free is that she downplays her bondage. Instead of being transparent about her struggles, she talks about “failing morally” or “facing temptations in her thought life.”
Being honest with someone about specifically what one is doing or feeling tempted to do exposes the horribleness of our sexual struggles, and that feels extremely risky.
But smoothing things over with vague terminology leads to cover-up. And cover-up leads to guilt and shame, not freedom.
People who are not sexually free also blame their struggles on others rather than taking personal responsibility for their failures or their victory.
I used to wish my sex drive wasn’t so strong or that women would dress more modestly. But that kind of thought process says I think my issue with lust is something I am not responsible for. Furthermore, it suggests that the way God designed my biology as well as women are the cause of my sin. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
Living in bondage is a choice. If I face repeated temptations in my thought life, it’s probably because I have chosen to dwell on sexual thoughts. If I face repeated temptations to have sex or look at pornography, it’s probably because I have chosen to seek sexual fulfillment in a way God never designed me to experience sexual fulfillment.
Living in freedom is also a choice, and it begins by taking ownership through repenting of my sin and creating accountability structures around myself through which I can share transparently about any struggles I face or challenging situations I run into.
A final sign someone is not sexually free is that he lives passively instead of powerfully. Our sex drive fuels almost everything about us. It’s a part of how God designed our physiology.[1] At the risk of over simplifying it all, when a person lays around all day, sex hormones build up in his body and he will “feel tempted” to act out sexually.
It’s not temptation. It is his body telling him to do something with the hormones God has given him.
But these hormones can be expressed in ways other than mere physical acts of sex. Working hard to build a house is fueled by sex drive. Applying one’s mind to researching and studying well is fueled by sex drive. Exploring creative outlets or taking risks in new ventures are all fueled by sex drive. Even stooping to tie a toddler’s shoes can be a way of transforming sexual energy into another form of energy.[2]
Essentially being involved in things bigger than ourselves, uses sexual hormones for good beyond mere sexual expression.
When we aren’t involved in something bigger than ourselves, all the hormones can build up to an uncontrollable point—even if we’re married and able to have sex.
Sexual expression is good. God designed it. It is a part of bearing his image in the world. But a man or woman in bondage cannot get beyond the mere sexual expression. He or she struggles to find something bigger than himself to join because there are other elements at play.[3]
If you’re reading through this and find yourself identifying with the signs of sexual bondage instead of freedom, let me give you three practical takeaways to help you move toward freedom today.
1. Stop trying harder
It’s likely you read over this list and you see the signs of freedom in contrast to the signs of bondage, and you want to try harder to display the signs of freedom. But that never works. In fact, it will only compound your struggle because you’re not going to be able to display signs of freedom without an inner transformation.
So stop trying.
As humans, we are deeply broken. We only make selfish choices. It’s possible even our attempts to display signs of freedom could be wrought with pride and self-centeredness, and our pride and self-centeredness need to be addressed before we can ever find true freedom.[4]
2. Connect with other brothers or sisters
If you’ve never talked with anyone about your sexual struggles before, opening up about it could feel like the riskiest thing you’ve ever done. But the enemy feeds on isolation. He’ll throw all kinds of lies at you which keep you in bondage.
Christian brothers and sisters are supposed to bear the type of burdens with each other that cause us to sin (Gal. 6:1-3). Most of us can identify with the struggle, so find someone you feel safe with and share your story.
And if you don’t feel safe with anyone, ask yourself why? Is there a history in your relationship with that person that makes it difficult for you to feel safe? Or might you be assuming what they will think or say and those assumptions cause you to not feel safe?
If it’s the latter, hold those assumptions at bay and risk it.
If it’s the former, reach out to me and I will connect you with reputable (and safe) people who can walk with you on your journey.
3. Consider the emotional elements that fuel your sexual drive
Adrenaline and dopamine are the hormones that make up our sex drive. When a person climaxes and feels a sense of complete release and freedom—even peace—he is feeling dopamine course through his body. He’s getting an “adrenaline rush.”[5]
Dopamine is our “happy hormone” and adrenaline causes us to not feel pain, at least for a while. So when things happen in our lives that cause us to feel sad, disappointed, or alone we look for something to make us happy. When we’re hurting, we look for something to suppress the pain we feel.
Sometimes there are things done to us that cause pain and sadness, like being speared in the chest. Other times there’s something missing that causes pain and sadness, like when a person has lost his voice or a limb.
Could it be that your struggle to find sexual freedom is being fueled by emotional disorder or pain?[6] Take some time to reflect on your life and consider how things that have happened in your life may be affecting you emotionally which is quite likely fueling your sexual bondage.
You don’t have to be another statistic, proving everybody struggles with moral failure. You don’t have to live with guilt.
You don’t have to hurt those you love by your emotional absence because of your obsession with pornography. You don’t have to just control your sexuality, trying to keep desires at bay.
You can live truly free.
You can experience meaningful relationships and make a difference in people’s lives.
You can become a man or woman who is not bound by a net of sexual compromise.
You can be free to enter the chaos of this broken world, or invite people out of it, and create order and safety without being taken down in the process.
Just stop trying to do it on your own.
Jesus doesn’t ask you to get cleaned up so that you can come to him. He asks you to come, so he can clean you up (Matt. 11:28, Jn. 8:32, 36).
Click here to download four free chapters of Live Free: Making Sense of Male Sexuality.
Share your story with others. Explore the emotional elements of your sexual struggles. And bring everything—the victories, the failures, the failures after times of victory—to Jesus and let him begin bringing order to your chaos today.
What would you say is the biggest obstacle to sexual freedom? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
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[1] Bruce Lengeman, To Kill a Lion (Apopka: NewBookPublishing.com, 2010), 30, 47-48.
[2] Napoleon Hill, Think and Grow Rich (Grand Haven: Grand Harbor Press, 1960), 216.
[3] For further research on the effects of pornography use (and over-indulgence in sexual activity) on an individual (whether positive or negative) check out https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4600144/ (accessed September 21, 2018).
[4] This is the story of humanity, beginning in Genesis 2. For an abbreviated refresher, read Colossians 2, Ephesians 1-2, or Romans 1-3.
[5] To see a scientific explanation of how dopamine affects us in the process of sexual arousal, check out Treatment for Stimulant Disorders chapter 2—How Stimulants Affect the Brain and Behavior, or visit https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK64328/ (accessed May 12, 2018).
[6] For more research on this topic, check out Susan Krauss Whitbourne Ph.D., “An Inside Look at Sexual Fantasies,” Psychology Today, January 15, 2013, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201301/inside-look-sexual-fantasies/.
