Recently, several people contacted me who have a daughter or friend currently dating someone who has confessed to struggling with porn, and they’re seeking wisdom in how to counsel her.
Every now and then I like to take an article or podcast episode to respond to these kinds of questions. If you have been impacted by this work and would like to show your support or go deeper with more in-depth content and community interaction, consider becoming a member of Unfeigned Christianity on Patreon for as little as $5/month.
Does One’s Struggle with Porn Ruin Future Relationships?
What makes this question unique is that the boyfriend typically seems like a decent guy and is even transparent about his struggles. One questioner said the boyfriend himself suggested ending the relationship because he felt the girl deserved better.
I have written previous articles on how a girlfriend can process her boyfriend’s struggle with porn (which you can read here). In this article, however, I am going to add a few general thoughts about guys who are dating while struggling with porn and then specifically address the questions:
- How has your past struggle impacted your marriage?
- Have you been able to remain free?
- Has your past struggle harmed your wife in any way?
Something unique to our relationship that wasn’t the case for those being asked about is that I was no longer looking at porn when Teresa and I started dating. I can empathize with a guy feeling like he will always be struggling with pornography—I know the feeling. But it also concerns me if any man simply resigns to it.
For one thing, none of us must “always struggle with porn.”
There is lasting freedom, something I have experienced myself. For another, there is a certain angst/brokenness/anger-at-the-sin that happens when we are brought to the end of ourselves by realizing how painful our sexual sin is to others. If that angst or brokenness isn’t there, I would wonder if the person sees or feels the pain his sin is causing. And without feeling the pain (and having this angst), it will be some time until he finds freedom.
If I was relating with such a boyfriend in person, I would be looking for signs of that brokenness. Is he at the end of himself, yet?
If he seems broken and tired of the cycle, I would see him as being on the downhill side to freedom. He’s almost there. But if he doesn’t necessarily seem broken, more just ashamed that he has this “bad habit,” I’d tend to see him still on the uphill side to freedom and having some ways to go.
I’d personally have a lot of reservations about my daughter marrying a guy currently involved in pornography. Having said this, I do not think it means the relationship should necessarily be broken off.
Is he actively pursuing help?
If he is suggesting terminating the relationship, is it because he feels he needs to take time to pursue sexual wholeness before going further? Or does he just think he will always struggle with porn, and he’s sort of done fighting it and feels his girlfriend deserves better? If it’s the latter, then he is not in a healthy spot. If it’s the former, there is hope.
Whenever there’s a pattern of viewing pornography, it often points to unresolved wounds. I would want to know if the boyfriend is aware of wounds in his life. Is he able to name some of them? If he is aware of them and already (or willing to) pursue help, that would be a positive in my mind. If he is not aware of them, and especially if he seems at all resistant to getting help in dealing with the wounds, I would not feel comfortable about the relationship continuing.
Now, to get to the specific questions:
“How has your past struggle with porn impacted your marriage?”
I’m not sure that it has or to what extent it has if it has at all. Again, looking at pornography was not an active thing I brought into our relationship.
There was an instance a few months before we started dating that brought me to the end of myself. I had not looked at pornography for a year, but then got into it again and was so frustrated that I took a drive out to Malibu and just steamed off at God. I really didn’t think it was worth pretending to be a Christian if I couldn’t live free in my private life.
Typically, after failing morally, I would pray and repent, and ask God for forgiveness. I sort of had this ritual I would go through. But this time I didn’t do that. I was fed up! I had done everything right. I was being transparent with others. I had accountability partners, had prayed bondage breaking prayers and repented from all the open doors in my life I could think of. I had even “lived free” for a whole year. Why was I struggling again?
On my drive back from Malibu, I heard God say, “I forgive you.” And hearing his forgiveness before I had even offered my apology rocked my perspective of God and how he viewed me in my failures. I’d say my journey toward a healthier perspective of God started after some time with a counselor-friend a couple of years earlier, but that night coming back from Malibu took it to a whole new level. Things have been different ever since.
I no longer live with a sense of trying to rack up days without lust.
Rather, I realize I am a broken human being held together by the grace of God. As I know Him more, understand myself better, and pursue romance with my wife, the inner drive to find sexual pleasure outside of God’s design dissipates.
I was a couple of months into that new part of my journey when Teresa and I started dating. When I shared my past with Teresa, I expected disappointment and disillusionment. But instead, I received empathy. She had her own story of brokenness, and that shocked me. I didn’t realize women could have “sexual struggles.”
So, our journey toward deeper healing and wholeness really became one collective journey.
One person asked specifically about how my past sexual sin has impacted sex life as a married couple. I came into marriage with the impression that women don’t long for sex as much as men. I also feared that I would not be able to have kids. After all, I had “spilled my seed on the ground.” An irrational fear, I know. But something I carried, nonetheless.
Both my assumption about female desire for sex and my fear about whether we’d be able to have children were wrong.
“Have you been able to remain free?”
I have learned that it is important for me to communicate with Teresa about how I am doing sexually even when all is well. Communication about sex and accountability with our spouses should not just be about bad times. It can deepen intimacy to let each other know we doing well.
There have been times in our eight and a half years of marriage when I faced intense sexual temptations. I have given in, at times. There have been movies or TV shows that I found triggering, so I quit watching them. But I feel that we have shared a marriage of sexual freedom in that:
- Teresa and I talk about everything and live a life of repentance—I’m not hiding from her or justifying anything
- there are no patterns of failure
- I’ve been able to identify why things were triggering or why I was drawn to something inappropriate. This helps me put my finger on the emotional longings that were driving my sexual urges. In such cases, Teresa and I will discuss it and bring it all to God and pursue wholeness instead of a short sexual fling.
A lot of this comes back to the fact that Teresa also has been on her own sexual journey. We are two sexual beings pursuing healing and wholeness in Jesus together. In spite of our past it all is drawing us closer together.
Live Free: Making Sense of Male Sexuality
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It is important for me to be brutally transparent with myself, at least one other brother, and Teresa.
There have been plenty of times in our eight years of marriage where I was tempted to hedge the truth. By the grace of God, I have not.
Part of why I don’t hedge the truth is that I know what it feels like to be in bondage. I now know what it feels like to be free. I know what it’s like to have an intimate and sexually fulfilling life with my wife. We have had so many good times together. We’ve had children together, we’ve walked through hard times, and we’ve had a few fights. I can’t imagine trading all of what I have experienced in for the dark cloud of deception and sexual bondage again.
“Has your past struggle harmed Teresa in any way?”
Obviously, any current failures hurt her. Accordingly, I have found it important to have older mentors in my life to even know how to talk about current struggles. If I share every whim and temptation, it can feed her own insecurities. We need to be transparent with our wives even when it hurts. But I think even in the work of being transparent, we ought to have emotional intelligence. I want to share transparently in such a way that upholds my wife’s dignity and not just “get something off my chest.”
Now, if I had not had my past experiences, would I not ever struggle today? I don’t know. I don’t think they are connected. But I am still learning a lot as I continue pursuing sexual wholeness.
I hope you find this helpful in processing how to walk with your daughter or friend if she finds herself in a relationship with a man who has struggled or is currently struggling with porn. If you have any further questions, don’t hesitate to ask them in the comments below.
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