Question Submitted: If a man asks permission to date a lady and she says “no,” should he consider asking again?
Whenever I plan to write about dating, and I go to the Scriptures, I face an uncomfortable struggle—they don’t say much about it.
In fact, the New Testament says almost nothing on the subject. Jesus never references it, as far as I can see. And although the Old Testament has some stories of people finding spouses, it’s difficult to tell if God intends those stories to be taken as principle.
What do we do, today, in a world of marriage based on attraction? How do we combine wanting God’s will, with honoring our parents, all the while keeping our hearts in tacked by not marrying someone we can’t stand?
These aren’t easy questions, and anything we think is wise today may look foolish twenty years from now. But in an attempt to thoughtfully respond to this question—one I’ve received quite a bit over the last few years—I’d like to make four appeals based on Scripture and then share a few thoughts on the dating world, today.
The Appeal of the Spiritualist
Isaac and Rebekah serve as a classic example of “courtship.” Isaac submits to his father’s desire, who arranged for his servant to find a wife for him from their homeland. Rebekah, a hard-working young lady ready and willing to serve those in need, eagerly accepts the proposal and comes to join her man in marriage.
I call this the “appeal of the spiritualist” because of how the servant went about finding Rebekah. As the story goes, the servant went to Mesopotamia and sat down to rest his camels at a well just outside the city of Nahor. It was evening, and the young women would soon be coming to fetch water, so the servant knew this was the place to be if he was going to find a wife for his master’s son.
Before anyone came, he prayed “O Lord, God of my master Abraham, please grant me success today and show steadfast love to my master Abraham. . .Let the young women to whom I shall say, ‘Please let down your jar that I may drink,’ and who shall say, ‘Drink, and I will water your camels’—let her be the one whom you have appointed for your servant Isaac.” (Gen. 24:14)
Sure enough. Rebekah comes out. He asks for water. She offers some to the camels, and, long story short, the servant believes he has found a wife for Isaac.
In a similar way, one approach to pursuing a lady, today, is asking God for signs. If He fulfills these signs, the young man believes he is to pursue her. The problem with this approach is when a young man’s signs have been fulfilled but the lady has no desire for the relationship.
Did the young man not hear God correctly? Is the young lady not submitted to the Lord? Should he ever ask again? Or does he go ask God for signs about some other lady?
The Appeal of the Pragmatist
There is a more pragmatic approach to finding a spouse. It’s how we get match-making sites and personality tests that determine what type of person is best suited for who.
We don’t know much about this couple, but Aquila and Priscilla, were dynamic people in their day. Why? Because they shared a common mission as a couple. They were known for their hospitality.
They had been forced to leave Rome, and moved to Corinth where they began discipling people of all kinds. A church grew. Paul visited and worked with them often, even thanking them for “risking their necks for him,” at one point. (Ro. 16:4)
Scripture doesn’t tell us how Aquila and Priscilla found each other, but we do know they worked well together. And another approach to finding a spouse is focusing on finding someone who shares your vision and whose gifts complement yours.
This approach is less about random signs and more about logical conclusions: “You want to raise cows, I want to raise cows—let’s get married!” And sometimes, this approach works like clockwork.
But it still fails to answer the question of what a guy should do if he knows they share vision and complement each other’s gifting’s, but she says “No.”
The Appeal of the Heart
Perhaps it seems most obvious, yet it can feel undignified for Christians—but, why not just follow our hearts?
Adam was lonely because he saw the animals all shared a partner, but he didn’t have one. God made Eve. And when Adam first saw her, he exclaimed, “At last! Bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh.” (Gen. 2:23) He was over-the-top excited to have someone suitable for him, someone he could know intimately.
Don’t we want to marry someone we have strong romantic feelings for? A third approach to this whole thing is to pursue the one who makes your heart thump the loudest.
But how does a guy know someone won’t come along and make his heart thump louder than the one he sees right now? And how does a lady know they guy who is head over heels for her today, will have the same feelings for her ten years from now?
Furthermore, this still doesn’t answer the question of what to do when a lady is uninterested.
Should the guy move on? Ask again? What about the ladies—should they simply accept the first offer that comes their way? What if they respect the guy, but would rather marry someone else? What if they turn a guy down, but change their minds a year later?
And a bigger concern for Christians: is there any biblical answer better than what we’ve already looked at?
I’d like to propose one more biblical appeal that we don’t often hear connected with dating. I’m not entirely sure how far the implications of this appeal can reach, but let me throw it out and you decide whether it has merit or not. Or more specifically, whether it aligns with God’s message of redemption, love, commitment, and purity.
The Appeal of Romance
Romance has been butchered by Western entertainment. Most of what we call “romance” better fits under my last category above: the appeal of the heart. It’s all based on emotions and feelings and whether or not people sense an attraction to each other.
I suggest there is a more complete example of a healthy way to pursue marriage. I don’t claim it is the perfect way; I simply see something in Scripture I believe we often overlook, and I believe it aptly applies to dating.
Everyone longs for intimacy. Everyone longs to belong, to be known, and be loved. Everyone longs to be pursued in spite of their flaws and fickleness of affection. This is true romance. The dedicated, spicy kind. And nothing demonstrates this better than God’s relationship with humanity.
He relentlessly pursues us while allowing us the freedom to choose our love. We see this with Adam and Eve, His first created humans. He delights in them, basks over them, and exuberates into them a sense of purpose and meaning. Neither of them feel a need to hide, they sense full acceptance and love.
But He gives them an out, an opportunity to say “No.”
What’s even more devastating is they do.
That doesn’t stop Him, however. He sends prophets to tell His creation, His bride, that He loves them and longs for them to return. But He doesn’t force them to. He lets them go. At one point, He threatens to get rid of them, to destroy them all and start over. But, on the account of His perfect plan of redemption, He continues to pursue the people He has already made.
They only walk further away, flirting and sharing love with gods made of stone and wood and things He, Himself, created.
So, He sends His Son. His only Son. He lets humanity slay Him on the cross. He does this so mankind can individually come and walk with Him, again. He wants them to know their true romancer through His incarnation of Jesus Christ.
Even today, none of us are forced to walk with God. But we do because we have experienced His unending love. We hear His voice forever calling our name, calling us to return.
What does all this have to do with dating and whether a guy should ever ask again? I’ll tell you in a moment, but first let me make a few comments about the current state of the dating world, today.
Christians Dating Today
The dating world has gone from casual dating and “going steady” to barely talking with a girl unless a guy is sure he wants her to be his wife (or vice versa).
My parents grew up in the casual dating world. My Mom used to tell a story of a guy who told her he loved her, then broke up with her a few weeks later. She said it hurt, made her confused, and caused her to struggle to trust men.
There needed to be something different than what was. So, in came courtship.
But it hasn’t gotten better. In fact, some could say it’s worse. Now, young people feel they need to have the conclusion sorted out before starting at the beginning. And if someone prays for signs, and God answers, or if they feel deeply attracted and both agree they share a common vision, yet the relationship falls through, it creates a heap of pain not even their parents knew.
It’s akin to divorce, considering the level of emotion and attachment often involved.
So, people are looking for something different.
It doesn’t bother me that people are looking for a better way to find a spouse. What bothers me, or concerns me, is that I think each of these models we develop are based more on an attempt to protect ourselves from pain than anything else.
And protecting oneself from pain runs against the very nature of romance.
What if God protected Himself from pain in pursuing us?
What if it’s less about avoiding pain, even less about figuring out if marriage is right, and more about developing healthy romance? What if healthy romance resembles God’s pursuit of us: pursuing, yet giving a choice and accepting the answer. And, regardless of the answer, continuing in relationship with the person as healthy friends.
And what if in the context of being healthy friends, continuing to casually get to know each other and fulfilling God’s calling on our lives, one could tell if another request would be welcomed or not?
The Conclusion
In the end, I’m going to side-step this question altogether because I’m not sure there is a one-size-fits-all answer for it. Romance means there is mystery. There is intentionality. There is pain. There is joy. There is hard work. There is a weird sense of “clicking” or “not clicking.” I can’t know if Jack should ask Jill again without being them and knowing how their relationship came about.
But I believe this: we need to learn to be more straightforward about our feelings and take dating less seriously.
What do I mean? Be honest with each other, even if it hurts or feels scary. But don’t take what the other says as an absolute fact for the rest of life. Maybe Jack should ask again, even though Jill told him she had no interest in him in that way. But he probably shouldn’t ask again if he’s been hovering over her ever since. Or if he totally left her in the dark.
These kinds of questions are better figured out in time and in the context of relationship. No, I don’t believe all “no’s” mean “never again.” But neither do I think all guys should start asking a second time.
But that’s just me. What do you think? Share in the comments below.
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