Church splits are nasty events! I’ve been through two of them. Well, the second was more a dissolution then a split. Even so, plenty of youth and children found themselves left in the wake of what seemed to be some of the happiest times on earth shattering all to pieces.
I don’t entirely know what led to the splits. Maybe the adults themselves don’t know what led to it all.
No one plans for tragedy.
No one joins a church anticipating it to completely fall apart a few years later.
So, I’m sure everyone walks away from such devastation with many unanswered questions (possibly some regrets).
But the ones often affected the most (and the ones most often ignored) are the children just old enough to comprehend something big happened, yet young enough that few people walk them through the story.
All we know is that one day the church building was mostly filled and the next it was rather empty.
We’re told terrible truths through church splits.
We learn that differing beliefs can never coexist, that offenses can never be resolved, and that certain people should never again be associated with.
While there are no doubt good reason that cause such sharp conflict, the kids in the situation usually don’t see them. They often don’t even hear them.
All we see is people we loved and appreciated not getting along. People who talk about the grace of Jesus being actually more concerned about other things.
Lost in the shuffle, we lose sight of the gospel. Either we walk away from church altogether or we adapt to a Christian-like life without its foundational transformation.
People don’t meet Jesus in the midst of church splits. Not unless a miracle happens.
Instead, most people meet confusion and it more often than not destroys their confidence in anything good coming out of church.
Either we become plastic Christians or not Christians at all.
The thing is no kid who has just gone through a church split will ever tell you this. We don’t realize how it has shaped our view of church, life, people, or even God until many years later.
When we ourselves become adults and face the tension of conflict with other people—that’s when we bump into the fact that something died back during that split.
“Is there such a thing as a healthy church?”
“Is it possible to have healthy relationships?”
“What does it look like to love each other in the middle of disagreement?”
“Do all these extra things unique to our denomination really matter?”
“Is God even real?”
Most people who face conflict in church don’t just wrestle with relationships; they wrestle with core tenants of the Christian faith.
What happens, though, is the rest of the world continues on. Adults switch churches and soon fit into a different mold. They’re still going to church, so the kids are still learning about God, right? Besides, the kids were young enough back then—it probably didn’t affect them.
Not having face-to-face interaction with a parent drastically affects the security of an infant. Church splits most certainly affect children much older and able to comprehend and begin asking questions about such events.
Furthermore, children don’t learn by what’s taught in Sunday Schools or preached over pulpits. They learn by what they see in relationships. They learn by watching and observing.
And when what they watched just completely fell apart, it seems like something to never touch again.
A miracle has happened to me.
As I watched relationships in our second church melt away, I faced incredible depression. I was sixteen years old. My two older siblings were off at Bible school, and my parents dealing with depression themselves.
I remember an event during that time where surrounding churches were getting together. Some friends had called to see if we were going to be there, but we hadn’t heard about it. The event was being planned by “the other side” of the previous split.
Things get really complicated when churches split. In one sense, the people can get along better because both sides can have their way in their new church settings. In another sense, however, it feels incongruent to get along at all because they couldn’t when still attending church together.
So there’s this awkward dance of conditional association.
I’ve never felt as alone and depressed as I did during those days. But something also began happening during that time that I had never experienced before.
I began meeting Jesus.
There was nowhere else to turn, really. I started spending mornings reading Psalms and journaling. (That’s when I discovered I enjoyed writing.)
It felt as if either I throw faith away completely, or I give it everything I am. It was either completely turn the burner off or all the way on high.
What I remember wrestling with at the time was that it seemed many of the adults were doing the half-Christian thing. I don’t mean any offense to them. As an adult myself, now, I know all the demands on parents in American society, and I find myself tempted to do the half-Christian thing as well.
I guess there was enough curiosity left in me that I wondered if things would have been different if we simply sold out to Jesus instead of our own ideas of Christianity.
Selling out to Jesus has not removed the temptation to do the “half Christian thing.” It’s not removed the reality that Christians doing life together gets really complicated at times.
What selling out to Jesus did back then and continues to do today, is give me someone to walk through tragedy with.
I’ve been through hell since the first church split. And no, I’m not swearing or exaggerating.
Many of the events are not just my stories to tell, so I’m not going to share details here. But besides experiencing two church splits, I’ve experienced deep pain in close relationships, my mom killed in a car wreck four days before my wedding, and false accusations and demoralizing misunderstandings from people I thought I had camaraderie with.
My guess is you have experienced a sense of hell too.
Maybe you’ve had friends betray you. Perhaps you wrestle with mental stability and no one around you understands. They either disengage or consider it some kind of spiritual deficiency.
I know people who have faced one financial crisis after another, and it feels impossible to them to ever have a life outside of work and paying off debt. And then there are people around them who think their financial crises are merely a matter of their mishandling of finances or personal laziness.
Others feel as if God takes everything good away from them, and I can empathize because it literally looks as if God takes good things away from them.
Ever since Adam and Eve decided they trusted their own judgment of what is good and evil above God’s judgment of what is good and evil, hell has touched all of us.
Each of us face tragedy, disappointment, loneliness, and that empty feeling of when a community that once brought great joy no longer exists.
And until creation is fully redeemed, we will continue to face such devastation (Ro. 8:23).
But these moments of pain don’t have to be times of withdrawal, leading to isolation and despair.
The gospel message is that God himself—the good creator of the universe—has come to personally walk with you through any circumstance that comes your way (Is. 64:1, 7:14; Col. 1:27; Ro. 8:18-39).
So here’s what I’m going to ask you to do:
If you’ve been through a church split and find yourself struggling to trust the church, questioning whether God is real or cares, and trying to make sense of your life with or without Christ, take some time to read through Psalms. I don’t mean some time today and some time tomorrow. I mean, spend the next thirty days meditating on various psalms and considering the implications of what God is saying.
Spend time journaling about what you’re thinking as you read. When you feel sad, what memories are you thinking about? What thoughts have just crossed your mind? When you feel angry, are there particular things you think about that tend to stir up those emotions?
Jesus wants to walk with you through the turbulent, emotionally devastating times. But unless we’re actively listening and communicating with him, he can’t.
And then, if you want to take it a step further, find someone to talk to about these things. Maybe it’s just a good friend—you might discover you both deal with similar struggles. Maybe it’s a parent or mentor. When we go through disillusioning times, it’s always helpful to have another person who will listen to us talk.
God is real, and he really cares about you. Every painful experience is an opportunity to either put God in a closet, or crawl in the car with him.
He’s going through this with you. The question is, do you want to go through it with him? Or would you rather face these tragedies on your own?
(And if you never went through a church split as a child, but know someone who has, intentionally internalize and seek to understand how an event like that impacts them. Then, be the kind of person they can talk to.)
God doesn’t create confusion—that’s Satan’s work. God creates peace (1Co. 14:33). And we can enter into his peace through a relationship with Jesus Christ (Ro. 5:1).
Have you ever gone through a church split? Did it wreck your life? Or have you found Jesus in the middle of it as well? Tell me about it in the comments below.
If you need some ideas for Psalms of comfort and hope, let me share with you some of my favorite.
PSALM 25
To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul.
O my God, in you I trust;
let me not be put to shame;
let not my enemies exult over me.
Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame;
they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous.
Make me to know your ways, O Lord;
teach me your paths.
Lead me in your truth and teach me,
for you are the God of my salvation;
for you I wait all the day long.
Remember your mercy, O Lord, and your steadfast love,
for they have been from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions;
according to your steadfast love remember me,
for the sake of your goodness, O Lord!
Good and upright is the Lord;
therefore he instructs sinners in the way.
He leads the humble in what is right,
and teaches the humble his way.
All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness,
for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.
For your name’s sake, O Lord,
pardon my guilt, for it is great.
Who is the man who fears the Lord?
Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose.
His soul shall abide in well-being,
and his offspring shall inherit the land.
The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear him,
and he makes known to them his covenant.
My eyes are ever toward the Lord,
for he will pluck my feet out of the net.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart are enlarged;
bring me out of my distresses.
Consider my affliction and my trouble,
and forgive all my sins.
Consider how many are my foes,
and with what violent hatred they hate me.
Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me!
Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you.
May integrity and uprightness preserve me,
for I wait for you.
Redeem Israel, O God,
out of all his troubles.
PSALM 27
The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.
Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet I will be confident.
One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to inquire in his temple.
For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.
And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the Lord.
Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
You have said, “Seek my face.”
My heart says to you,
“Your face, Lord, do I seek.”
Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the Lord will take me in.
Teach me your way, O Lord,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!
Other favorites include Psalms 91, 100, and 102-103.
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