Not every public school allows homeschoolers to participate in their sports program, but thanks to a few stars who the coaches wanted, the school district in Northern Minnesota opened their program to the public—even homeschoolers.
I had played little league for four years before entering eighth grade, so I guess the coaches were familiar with me. When I entered Junior High they asked if I wanted to play for them. I was ecstatic (my dream that year was to be a professional baseball player).
Because of his concern for my wellbeing, Dad said I could play as long as he didn’t sense the team was having a negative effect on my attitude at home. I missed a few Sunday practices, and in spite of not always having an honoring attitude, I was never pulled out of the program. In fact, baseball became the platform on which I learned to witness and stand alone for Christ.
It wasn’t easy, though. A few years earlier I had gotten into pornography and was in the middle of fighting for freedom.
I remember sitting on the bus as we traveled to Saint Cloud, Minnesota for a three-day tournament and the rest of my teammates passed around a Sports Illustrated swimsuit magazine. What do you do when everyone around you is shamelessly doing something you know is wrong? I could have joined right in and probably gotten away with it. Doing so would have helped me fit in with the guys and I wouldn’t have to tell my parents. At least, that’s what went through my mind in the brief moments before I was handed the magazine and forced to decide if I would participate or run the other direction.
Let’s stop the scene there for a moment.
Picture it: me on a bus with twenty other guys, sitting in a window seat about half-way back the bus, every seat surrounding me is full of guys and every guy is sharing pleasure in this magazine of naked women. Now, they have just handed it to me. I can’t dash out the door; I’m stuck! At this point in the season, these guys are my friends and everyone else is okay with what’s going on, and no one back home would have to find out what I do.
Let’s add some color to this dilemma. I had been fighting my own private battle with pornography for about two years, now. For me to say, “No, I can’t look at that,” and act as if I am above such filth would feel like a lie because the reality was when nobody was looking, I almost always ended up checking out things online that were no worse.
But I didn’t want to live that way. By that point in my struggle, I knew enough to know that lust always left me feeling empty. I wanted freedom. I was frustrated that I couldn’t find freedom. I would have seasons of victory, but almost every three months, like clockwork, I fell right back into it again. I was on a crazy cycle feeling as if I was going to spin out of control.
Are you someone who wants to be able to look people in the eyes without having anything to hide and to be able to fight for others? Yet, maybe you’re looking at porn or habitually masturbating. You feel guilt and as if you’re less of a man, but aren’t sure how to gain victory.If that’s you, I invite you to check out my brand new book, Live Free: Making Sense of Male Sexuality.
Here’s what really confused me, though: I was a Christian. A pastor’s son. Christians are supposed to walk in freedom, right? I had heard what scripture had to say, I had prayed bondage breaking prayers, I had attended seminars with my Dad on overcoming sexual sin. Yet, in spite all of that, I couldn’t live victoriously. I couldn’t walk in freedom.
Was I even a Christian? Most people at church seemed to be walking in freedom. At least, I didn’t really hear anyone else talking about their struggles. Why was I so messed up? Why couldn’t I find the same freedom?
Most of us don’t talk about our struggle with pornography because it feels deeply shameful.
Nobody wants to live a lifestyle addicted to moral compromise. Intuitively, we know we are not designed to experience sexual intimacy by viewing other women naked on a page. But because of our curiosity, or because of overbearing friends, we caught a glimpse and it awakened something within us that keeps asking for more.
No matter how hard we try, we can’t find freedom. No matter how many books we read on sexual purity, it doesn’t work. Not in the life-changing sort of way we hope for. Yes, we want free—struggling with porn makes us feel like dweebs! We want to live victoriously, like good Christians are supposed to. But for whatever reason we can’t.
I don’t know where you’re at in this journey. Maybe you’re right here with me—you know exactly what I’m talking about. Or perhaps you don’t struggle, but know someone who does. Either way, this is for you: at the bottom of an addiction to pornography is not a perverted person, but someone who hasn’t yet seen themselves as God designed.
That’s why it is so devastating when people try convincing their brothers or husbands (or sisters) into purity using shameful tactics—it only further misrepresents God’s view of them.
Finding freedom from porn is not about controlling yourself or getting rid of evil, it’s about coming to understand who you were meant to be as God designed.
Each of us, whether we struggle with porn or some other sin, so quickly forget God’s view of us. And when we don’t understand how He sees us, we don’t desire to approach Him. At least not without the protection of a religious mask.
Then, if we have just enough spiritual clout to masquerade our utter failure to live righteously, we feel able to step up to the throne. But Christ can’t heal someone who refuses to take off his band aide, his mask.
He doesn’t need you pulling yourself together before you approach Him. He knew you’d struggle with your flesh, which is why He got out of His throne, came to earth and died while you were still sinning, feasting on provocative images. He loved you so much that He didn’t wait for you to get fixed before revealing Himself.
If you really want to be free from porn, find someone you trust, someone who feels safe, and share your story with them. Ask them to pray with you that you may see God for who He is and understand your design.
You don’t have to stay hostage to shame. God wants to give you freedom, you just have to start talking about it.
I realize you may not feel comfortable sharing publicly on a topic like this. If there is anything you want to say, you may do so in the comments below. Otherwise, if you’d like, feel free to drop me a private note using the contact form below and tell me what feels most frustrating about your struggle with porn.
