I am not single. I haven’t really ever been single. First of all, I got married when I was twenty-one, and lived with my family up until then. When I did live away from home for a total of twelve months during two stints at Bible school—but none of that really constitutes “singleness.”
So I fully confess that I don’t really know what it’s like to be single.
But as a married man, I have noticed something that bothers me.
It wasn’t long after I got married that I began receiving more responsibility within the church. Now, our church is a bit unique in that we get single men to preach sermons and lead worship early on. So, it’s not that I started being able to do certain things in church, but rather I noticed my voice began carrying more weight.
If there was a decision being made, the moderator would look at all the married men and ask what we thought. But there were men my age—sometimes even older—sitting there whose voices were never entirely heard.
Or if there was a special event going on, I would be asked to be in charge even though there may have been another man my age or older completely capable of doing as good or better of a job.
The difference was he was single and I was not.
I also noticed that churches often have events especially for married people, and then events for single people. They rarely overlap. And if they do, such as a conference or something, the sessions are often split into topics for “married people” and topics for “single people.
I get it. Mothers and fathers have challenges unique to their responsibilities as parents. Singles have challenges unique to their experiences as single adults. But what about learning to rest in the Father’s embrace, developing skills as leaders, or how to work through conflict in relationships? Aren’t those relevant to both married and single people?
Even more, I noticed single adults often get lumped in with single youth—even though there’s a significant difference between youth and adults. There’s certainly nothing wrong with the intermingling of ages. It just seem like we often forget single adults are at a completely different stage of life than youth are, even though they may not yet be married or have families.
For the longest time I simply observed this. As I said, I was never single in the sense of living on my own and older than twenty-two or twenty-three. So I didn’t know if singles felt what I observed or not? I didn’t know if it was simply something I was reading into.
But as life has gone on, and peers of mine have become adult singles, I have heard from them that they in fact feel this isolation.
It’s not just me reading into something.
And what’s more, there seems to be a gap in understanding. I think singles get isolating without others realizing what they’re doing. No one isolates them intentionally, I can vouch for that for that. But it happens, nonetheless. And it often turns out painful.
How can we overlook a thirty-two year old single man or woman sitting in our midst when we’re trying to make a major decision?
How can a young naïve twenty-three year old be considered more aware spiritually or emotionally than a twenty-nine year old?
I think a lot of it comes back to some deep underlying beliefs within the church.
For instance, we tend to believe marriage completes a person.
If someone isn’t married, we look at them as incomplete or still wandering around searching.
What amplifies this belief is the fact that most of us—if not all of us—desire to be married. And so when we’re walking around with this desires and it’s not being fulfilled, we can feel incomplete. We may even look like we feel incomplete.
“What’s the Big Deal about the Head Covering?”
The tradition of men not covering their heads and women covering their heads serve as signs for remembering and showing honor of each other’s place in Christ, which helps us walk in unity.
But marriage does not complete us. Marriage is one dynamic of many in our journeys in life. The story God writes with one person’s life may involve the relationship dynamics of marriage and family. For another person, it may not involve them at all.
Or it may, just later on in life.
At the end of the day, however, whether a person gets married has nothing to do with maturity, level of readiness, or spirituality. It just kind of is and we are mature human beings, men and women of God, filled with the Spirit, and complete in Christ whether we are single and longing for marriage, single and don’t care to get married, or married and raising kids.
Another underlying belief I often see in the church is that intimate relationships are for romance.
Yes we have friends, but they’re not necessarily to get close to. Only marriage is for getting super close with someone.
And I think this believe frames and unhealthy view of community. Intimate relationships are for people. God designed each of us to have deep and meaningful friendships. Intimacy doesn’t have to be romantic.
We all need intimacy.
This leads into a third underlying belief that I think causes us to isolate singles: once a person gets married his primary responsibility is his family.
My family means the world to me. I see it as my God-given responsibility to lead and care for them and to nurture my family spiritually, emotionally, and physically. But we can end up getting so focused on our families that we neglect the body of Christ. Or the mission of Christ.
We need to develop church cultures that value relationships within our church families—not just biological families.
Singles are the lost gems in the Christian church. They have much to offer—even to married people. Their experiences in ministry, relationships, leadership, vocation, theology, and spirituality are not less reliable because they are not married. (We’d have to pull huge chunks of scripture and throw them away if that was the case.)
Let’s not isolate them; but listen to them, understand them, and find ways to draw them into our lives and be drawn into theirs.
What are some ways we could create space for singles to offer their value in any local body of believers? Share your thoughts, whether single or married (although I’d love to hear from singles!) in the comments below.
Join Unfeigned Christianity to access all our member-only content.
Become a paying member of Unfeigned Christianity for as little as $5/mo and access a full dashboard of resources for Christians wanting follow Jesus faithfully in our current, cultural moment. Try the first 7 days free!
Already a member? Login
