Committed Christian, Yet Undeniably Gay

In a post-sexual revolution world, many people are coming out as gay. Not only that, but many Christians are coming out in support of gay marriage.

Is this a cultural phenomenon? Are people simply following a fad to identify as gay or is being gay a real thing? 

Do real people literally experience attraction for people of the same gender and no attraction for people of the opposite gender?

Are Christians who support gay marriage simply caving to an easy solution for this cultural phenomenon or is there legitimate support for gay marriage in scripture?

These are the questions the church has been facing head on for the last couple decades and they are the questions Gregory Coles wrestled with as he sorted through his own journey of faith and sexual identity.

In 2017, Greg Coles wrote his memoir called, Single, Gay, Christian: A Personal Journey of Faith and Sexual Identity. I discovered it soon after it came out and have followed Greg Coles ever since. 

Part of what attracted me to Greg’s story was his unashamed posture in talking about being gay.

I also found myself drawn to his wholehearted commitment to the text of scripture.

Greg is an English major and loves literature. While there are many different types of literature, he knows that there is always a best way of reading a work of literature. 

Sometimes when we discuss literature and its connection to biblical interpretation, one can get the impression that because there are many different types of literature, and because scripture makes use of those different types, we can randomly impose metaphor, simile, exposition and historical narrative wherever we wish. More often than not, it seems, can get any biblical text to support our biased reading of it. 

But scripture, like all literature, was written with an intention. Each biblical author had a particular audience they were writing to and circumstance they were writing about.

They use various literary devices to communicate their message. But even in the variety of devices employed, they intended to communicate a particular message. Each author communicated a message cohesive with the whole text scripture.

What did they have to say about marriage? Particularly, what did they have to say about marriage to someone of the same gender? 

That’s what Gregory Coles wrestles with in his book, Single, Gay, Christian. 

An Overview of Single, Gay, Christian

The book itself is very short. It totals 120 pages in all, consisting of eight chapters. It’s written as a memoir and incredibly easy to read. If you have a couple of hours, you can easily read through the book in one sitting. 

Greg tells his story of discovering that he finds men and not women sexually attractive. He writes about wrestling through the implications of his attractions. He particularly wrestles with what it means to be gay in the middle of not just a Christian world (and a homeschooling world), but, specifically, a missionary world.

His family spent a number of years in Indonesia as missionaries. He grew up with many different types of friends.

The idea of being gay is not just controversial in American culture, but in many eastern cultures as well. Greg shares his journey of sorting through the social implications of his sexual orientation.

Greg Coles is a committed Christian who loves Jesus and His Word.

And while he writes about debating with God and scripture, he realized that he eventually had to surrender to the fact that the best reading of scripture defines marriage as being for one man and one woman.

In light of that, he has committed to a life of celibacy.

He talks about how he prayed and wrestled with God, trying to convince himself to be straight. He even tried dating in an effort to conjure up sexual attraction for ladies, but it never worked. And to this point, God has never awakened within him a sexual attraction for women. 

Therefore, out of commitment to Jesus and His Word, Greg has committed to celibacy. Now he not only walks the journey of being gay, but also of being single. He processes what it looks like to have intimacy and community in singleness.

I highly recommend the book for two reasons: 

• For those who find themselves attracted to people of the same sex, it may help give voice to your own journey and offer added language and perspective as you wrestle through what it looks like to follow Jesus given your sexual orientation. 
• For those of us who are straight, it gives an inside view of the struggle someone who is attracted to people of the same gender faces. Furthermore, it broaden our understanding of sexual orientation, God’s word, and living faithfully amidst this broken world.

There are two particular points Greg addresses in his book that I would like to interact with a little bit more.

1. His choice to use the word “gay” as opposed to simply referring to himself as “same-sex attracted”
2. His commitment to celibacy

Identifying As Gay

Many Christians, react to someone calling themselves a gay.

One of the common arguments that I have heard for why someone should not call themselves gay is that we do not need to define ourselves by an adjective. Christ defines us; not our sexual orientation.

This argument has always puzzled me because many of those same people tend to tell stories about folks they talked with or witnessed to, and if they happened to be gay, they’re not ashamed to say it. It can come across as though that beefs up their testimony or something. So it has never made sense to me that if someone cannot self-identify as being gay, why they are then allowed to share a testimony about witnessing to someone who is gay.

Is it simply an ego stroke to make it look like somehow they’re very courageous in who you witnessed to?

Is it an oversight? Are they totally unaware of the cognitive dissonance between refusing to let someone self identify as gay while using that adjective when describing the person they talked with or worked for?

 

Some of these Christians don’t even do work for people that are gay, as though somehow simply associating with them or having monetary transactions with them connects one to their sexual orientation.

I have concluded that most people’s reaction to using the adjective is merely born out of ignorance more than anything.

Whether or not it is willful ignorance, I am not always sure.

The more I got to know people who were attracted to same gender and not attracted to the opposite gender, the more I began using the phrase “same-sex attracted.” It seemed less controversial or more palatable than the word gay. 

However, Greg describes that for gay people there has been a lot of damage and hurtful things said and done by those who used the “phrase same-sex attracted.”

One of the most damaging things that happened was Reparative (or “Conversion”) Therapy movement, which vigorously promoted orientation change as the best hope for gay Christians, even while evidence piled up that such change was extraordinarily rare. Greg points out, “By talking in terms of attraction instead of sexual orientation, ex-gay advocates were better equipped to treat homosexuality as a passing phase, a problem that might come and go as readily as a foot cramp” (p. 62).

“In the end,” Greg says, “the ex-gay movement didn’t turn out straight Christians. It turned out people who were confused and disillusioned and still gay, people inured to promises that never seemed to come true.”

In light of this baggage associated with the phrase “same-sex attracted,” Greg finds it less triggering to use the term gay.

I was not aware of the baggage around the term “same- sex attracted.” 

In fact, I know several friends who self-identify as “same-sex attracted.” They do not have any personal baggage associated with the term and find it the most helpful way for describing their experience.

However, I found it insightful to hear more of the historical background behind the phrase “same-sex attracted.” It helped me better understand why Greg and others choose to identify as gay instead of “same-sex attracted.”

But Greg gave a second reason for why he uses the term gay, which I found even more compelling: 

Among churches that do not affirm same-sex marriage, much of the rhetoric makes it sound as though one cannot be attracted to someone of the same gender and be a Christian at the same time. 

Whether you identify as “same-sex attracted” or gay, their rhetoric gives the impression that those who discover they are gay cannot be Christian. People come away thinking that in order to be a part of Christ’s family, they would have to experience a sexual and biological transformation.

In other words, Jesus isn’t for they gay person. 

This presents a number of problems. First, Jesus does not ask you or me to completely get rid of our sinful and broken attractions before we can fellowship with him. None of us who are straight would appreciate that kind of gospel. So why do we preach such a gospel to gay people?

Second, just because someone identifies as gay does not mean they are inherently buying into a specific lifestyle or acting out on their attractions.

No one who self-identifies as gay does so because they live within a monolithic set of behaviors. Everyone who uses the term gay knows that within those who identify as gay exist a plethora of cultures, personalities, religious beliefs, and lifestyles. None of them assume that just because someone now calls themselves gay means that they affirm the ideas of everyone else who calls themself gay. 

When assume that those identifying as gay all agree with each other in their beliefs and practices, we get damaging concepts floated around and even preached about over the pulpit. For example, some Christian like to talk about the “gay agenda.” But what are they talking about? What is “the gay agenda”? 

There is no gay agenda. 

Gay simply describes the way someone is oriented in their sexual attraction. It describes nothing more. Yet some folks talk as though it does, and this creates a barrier between someone who experiences that particular sexual orientation and their ability to know and experience Jesus.

Creating such barriers is sinful. That’s what led Jesus to overturn tables in the temple. Temple priests were placing added barriers to people’s experience of Yahweh. The items they would bring to sacrifice weren’t good enough, according to the priests. So, the already struggling Israelites to purchase a more expensive, more “perfect” animals or vegetables in order to enter the temple and experience God.

This completely contradicted the goal and focus of the temple. The temple was to be a place where anybody who desired could come and experience Yahweh. 

If we want an accurate picture of how Jesus feels about those who create such barriers, we ought to sit a long moment in Jesus’ response to the extortion at the temple. 

Are we doing that with those who identify as gay? 

Greg’s desire was to demonstrate firsthand that a person can be gay and faithful to Jesus at the same time. He has demonstrated that well.

Gay and Christian, Yet Committed to Singleness

This leads to the second observation I made from Greg’s memoir. In his dedication and commitment to Jesus, Greg commits himself to a life of celibacy.

I found this hard to swallow. Greg’s commitment to celibacy challenges me deeply. His story has confronted my own idolatry of sexual gratification. 

We live in an age where the ultimate form of self-expression, fulfillment, and happiness is to experience sexual gratification. We talk about it differently, but I find it as true inside the church as outside the church. Our culture has idolized sex, and in the church, such idolization often expresses itself as an obsession with marriage.

If we are going to be a place where all people’s of the earth can connect with the Father, we must rigorously challenge our ideological perspectives to see if there are ways in which we talk about God and about his design that prohibit people from experiencing him fully. Along with that, we then must confront our own lifestyles to see if we are living out the gospel. 

The gospel is about a family that Yahweh is creating in Jesus.

It’s not about the family in which I will bring about through reproduction with my wife. That family, my wife and I, and our four kids are a visible earthly expression and representation of the larger family God is creating. When we misplace our loves and have a greater affection for and commitment to our earthly, nuclear family we create an idol and neglect the corporate family of those who experience rebirth in Jesus through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Greg’s commitment to celibacy comes from a commitment to Jesus. It also comes from an acknowledgement that Jesus calls us to die to ourselves. We all know and teach that, but some of us heterosexual, married folks don’t always live it very well.

One could argue that serving my family requires a death to self. It certainly presents opportunities for me to flesh out dying to myself. But the very existence of my children means that I likely had an incredibly pleasurable experience in the process. In the wake of me getting these opportunities to “die to myself,” I have had multiple and ongoing pleasures.

The challenges for me is, “In what ways am I dying to myself out of faithful commitment to Jesus?” 

Am I indulging self-centered sexual desires in ways that are never confronted because technically it’s okay. After all, I am married. 

Am I neglecting emotional and spiritual intimacy with my wife and prioritizing sexual fulfillment?

While the covenant of marriage is the environment in which God has designed individuals to experience sexual intimacy with another human being, sexual intimacy is not the epitome of following Jesus.

Experiencing oneness with the Father and his family is the epitome of what it means to follow Jesus. 

There are times, even within my marriage, where that calls me to set aside my sexual desire. However, in our current cultural moment, we have a hard time fathoming such an idea. In light of that, I find Greg’s commitment to celibacy, convicting, confronting, refreshing, and encouraging all at the same time. 

Conclusion

Greg has since written a book called, No Longer Strangers: Finding Belonging in a World of Alienation. I highly recommend that book as well. In it he fleshes out at a broader scale what it looks like to be a part of the family of God and find belonging and purpose within that family, whether you’re single or married. 

However, I recommend starting with this short memoir, Single, Gay, Christian. You can purchase it on Amazon today through this link. Also—for the month of May—you can get a free copy of Single, Gay, Christian when you become an Advanced Member of Unfeigned Christianity on Patreon. This will give you a great introduction to his life and work. Click the button below to learn more.

Question: Have you read Greg’s book? In what ways did his story change your understanding of people who identify as gay? How has his story impacted the way you relate with fellow Christians who identify as gay? I’d love to hear your thoughts. You can share in the comments below.

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