Romance & Family

Posts specifically focusing on romance and family.

The Stuff of Intimacy

By Asher Witmer Romance & Family, Spiritual Formation
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In my last post, I said we can live without sex, but not without intimacy. Having a great sex partner is not the key to sexual gratification. Finding the most beautiful spouse in the world won’t keep one from lusting after others. The desire for erotic pleasure comes as the result of a lack of meaning and purpose and nothing in life is truly meaningful without its relational value.

What I didn’t say in that post is what intimacy looks like. I didn’t really explain how to have meaningful relationships.

As I said before, I don’t necessarily feel like an expert at relationships yet, but I am slowly learning. The story of Adam and Eve in the Garden with God provides excellent training material.

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You Can Live Without Sex, But Not Without Intimacy

By Asher Witmer Romance & Family, Spiritual Formation
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Can I tell you a secret? Having a great sex partner is not the key to sexual gratification. Finding the most beautiful wife in the world won’t keep you from lusting after other women. The desire for erotic pleasure comes as the result of a lack of meaning and purpose and nothing in life is truly meaningful without its relational value.

Sixty-four percent of Christian men view pornography at least monthly. Thirty-seven percent look at porn several times a week. I know what it’s like to be addicted to pornography. I thought the struggle came from my strong sexual drive.

But as I came to experience freedom from lust and the addiction to erotic pleasure, I learned part of what held me captive for so long had little to do with sex and more to do with intimacy.

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What You Need to Know about Romance before Getting Married

By Asher Witmer Romance & Family
couple disconnected

Romance, the way we perceive it at first, like the ecstatic feeling of affection on the first date, or the hot sparks and fireworks that electrify your phalanges at the first kiss—that kind of romance doesn’t work.

Here’s why: Romance then is based on feelings of affection. It’s like being excited for the first time your traveled overseas: the only reason it’s exciting is because it is something new (and because you haven’t experienced many new things, yet).

Those feelings won’t last. They never do.

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5 Reasons You Need to Understand the Role of Affection in Courtship

By Asher Witmer Romance & Family
asher & teresa at usc

As you may have observed, this month I am going through the top 10 most-read posts of the year. Number eight is the lead-in post to the ebook I published earlier this year, Is Touch in Courtship Wrong?

Incidentally, the book is 40% right now. That discount won’t last. In fact, neither will the eBook. At midnight tomorrow night I’m pulling it down, so if you haven’t read the book, read this post: 6 Powerful Principles for Understanding the Role of Affection in Courtship.

And if you’re not sure you even want to read the post, let me give you five quick reasons why you should:

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Redefining Marriage in an Age of Permissiveness

By Asher Witmer Romance & Family, Theology
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A well-known Christian author and speaker recently spoke out in favor of gay marriage and homosexual relationships, saying two adults have a right to choose who they want to love, and if they choose to love someone of the same-sex, then the church should help provide marriage support and parenting help. She went on to say that she wants the very best for her gay friends: love, happiness, faithfulness, commitment, and community.

I support her desires for homosexuals. I also want gay people to experience love, happiness, faithfulness, commitment, and community. I agree that the church has not done well in relating with the LGBT community.

But is redefining marriage so they can find those things as they are really the solution? How have we gotten to the place where professing born-again believers value relationships with people above faithfulness in marriage?

 

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We Have a Courtship Dilemma

By Asher Witmer Romance & Family
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As I listen to other people in my generation I hear an increasing frustration with our courtship model. This seems to be true regardless of background. Is courtship as we know it today the way it should be?

Here’s how I’m approaching this post: I’m going to offer my perspective and then I want to hear yours. I love discussions, so let’s have one. I want to hear from other married people, but I also want to hear from singles. I want to hear your frustrations and desires.

Something has to change, and in order to influence change we must first have a conversation about it. So let’s talk. Let’s not argue or try to get everyone to understand ourselves, but instead let’s try to understand everyone else.

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Making Sure Your Marriage Ends Well

By Asher Witmer Romance & Family
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I found it easy to invest in our relationship when Teresa and I were dating, but once we got married, it became more difficult. Add a couple busy boys to our life and investing in marriage feels as difficult as rowing upstream with dogs lapping at our faces. Today, we get into ruts: Danisa’s for dates, short quick prayers before sleep, flowers on birthday’s and special events, approaching sex the same way every time—you get the point.

So what are we to do? Just settle into a mundane, predictable marriage from here on forward?

I personally refuse to accept that. Marriage that way doesn’t end well. In fact, they often end early. So in an attempt to do today what it takes to end tomorrow thriving in our marriage, I’ve discovered these five ways of investing in my marriage that rekindle and deepen our relationship.

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When Children Become Well-Behaved Jerks

By Asher Witmer Romance & Family
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Children raised without the grace of God become well-behaved jerks.

When I was still at home and people would visit and compliment my parents on raising good kids, they would always say, “But for the grace of God! It’s nothing we did.” That never made sense to me. Dad and Mom were extremely intentional with how they raised us kids. What do they mean, “It’s nothing they did?”

Growing up in Christian culture, the burden of our parenting isn’t so much that our kids come to know Christ—although we would all verbalize that’s what we want. But in actuality it isn’t. What we really want is well-behaved, sensible kids with a passion for Christ that make us look like perfect parents. We want to raise our kids without needing to lean into the grace of God.

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How to Know She’ll Say “Yes!”

By Asher Witmer Romance & Family
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“You just know when it’s right.” That’s what everyone says when asked how to know when you’ve met the right person to marry. Sometimes, it feels like a cheesy cop-out.

Dating relationships are risky. You get to know each other and see if it’s a fit. The time span of that differs. The depth of relationship may differ, but when the time is right for marriage, you have a mutual sense of agreement. You really do “just know,” and engagement is simply a formal declaration of what is already felt.

However, sometimes we can oversimplify complex questions we face in life. I believe the four questions posed in the following article can help any guy identify whether or not he’s ready to propose and whether or not she may be ready to say yes.

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20 Things Men Don’t Talk about, but Should

By Asher Witmer Romance & Family, Spiritual Formation
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Women like to talk. Men, on the other hand, not so much. I don’t know why God created men and women so differently in this regard.

What I do know, however, is that there a few things men don’t talk about, but really should. At least, if we’re going to experience fulfilling and meaningful relationships with those we lead.

I’ve discovered at least twenty things I tend to avoid talking about but should. Compare your list with mine, then leave a comment adding what else you think we should start talking about.

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10 Books That Helped Me Better Understand Marriage

By Asher Witmer Resources & Reviews, Romance & Family

Before I got married, I read as much as I could about marriage and relationships. That’s typical of how we humans do life, isn’t it? Get it all figured out beforehand so nothing surprises us and we can maintain control.

After I got married, however, I discovered some parts of marriage were drastically different than I had imagined as I read books about it. I think it’s awesome to be “ahead of the game” in learning about marriage before we’re faced with the in-moment difficulties of communicating and relating. Yet, I think it’s helpful to take it all in smaller bites. We don’t have to read them all before marriage.

In this post, I’ve made a list of the top ten books I’ve read so far that I believe are must-reads for every young couple. I’ve also listed my suggested time when you should read them. Following my timelines and reading each book in the order I have laid out here in this post will guarantee you a successful and happy marriage for at least forty-two years. (Okay, maybe I’m joking.)

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The Secret to Experiencing Meaningful Relationships

By Asher Witmer Personal Wholeness, Romance & Family
photo of men sitting around table

What if relationships weren’t meant to be about getting somewhere, but enjoying the journey?

Recently, my wife and I had a little squabble. The whole episode left both of us a little hurt and longing for deeper oneness as a couple. It’s in times like that I feel defeated and anxious of whether I’ll ever get relationships down, if you know what I mean.

We are all made for relationships. Even us men. We want meaningful relationships. But what does that mean? What does it look like?

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