10 Books That Helped Me Better Understand Marriage

Before I got married, I read as much as I could about marriage and relationships. That’s typical of how we do life, isn’t it? Get it all figured out beforehand so nothing surprises us and we can maintain control.

For instance, I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye my first year of high school, Shepherding a Child’s Heart when I was nineteen, and Sex After 50 before I was even twenty-five. (I’m joking about that last part.) The point is, I wanted to do things right, to be successful at marriage and parenting, so I filled myself with as much knowledge about the subjects as I could.

Then I got married.

I didn’t read a marriage book the whole first year of marriage. Not because I didn’t think I needed it, but because parts of marriage were significantly different than I had imagined they would be and it threw me for a loop. I didn’t know how to apply what I already knew, or even what book I needed next for what I didn’t know.

The fact is, no skill is learned merely through absorbing knowledge about it. You must also practice it to become excellent.

Now that I’ve been married for three years, I have a different perspective of books and knowledge. Yes, I think it’s awesome to be “ahead of the game” in learning about marriage before we’re faced with the in-moment difficulties of communicating and relating. Yet, I think it’s helpful to take it all in smaller bites. We don’t have to read them all before marriage.

In this post, I’ve made a list of the top ten books I’ve read so far that helped me better understand marriage. I believe these are must-reads for young couples. I’ve also listed my suggested time when you should read them. Following my timelines and reading each book in the order I have laid out here in this post will guarantee you a successful and happy marriage for at least forty-two years. (Okay, I’m joking again.)

The following books helped me get ready for marriage:

1. Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship by Joshua Harris*

The word I think of with this book is courtship. People misunderstood parts of his first book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, so he wrote Boy Meets Girl as a follow-up to clarify what the purpose of courtship is. Which, he says, is to discern whether marriage is the right next step. If a couple dates and decide they want to get married, the courtship was successful. If, instead, they decide marriage is not for them and they separate, the courtship was still successful.

This was pretty crucial for me in understanding what types of things I should get to know about Teresa while we dated. It helped give me direction as I pursued her.

Regardless of your opinions on Joshua Harris and his books, I highly recommend reading Boy Meets Girl (even if you never read his first book). I’m frustrated with what “courtship” has become as many others are, but I also think he has been blamed for things that weren’t really his doing (people like Bill Gothard and so forth are probably more to blame). Read his book and see if it isn’t useful in your budding romance.

2. Men and Women: Enjoying the Difference by Dr. Larry Crabb

This is the first book my wife and I read together, and we did it before we were married. That’s when we discovered that reading books together doesn’t really work for us. It’s a romantic idea, but we struggled to get through it. We’d rather read, and then talk together about what we read.

Perhaps, that’s why when I think of this book, I think of the word reality. Reading Men & Women brought reality to our relationship. Yes, it exposed how bad we are at reading books together, but even more so, it exposed the differences men and women have and the reality of our selfish ways of trying to solve those differences.

Every dating couples does themselves good to reckon with the fact that, although we feel deeply in-love and serving our partner comes easily, more often than not, at the core we are “serving” with a selfish goal in mind. I know that puts a damper on romance, and there’s a lot of beauty and delight that also goes with romance, but facing reality of our own brokenness is the first step to cultivating a truly romantic marriage. Dr. Crabb’s ancient book Men & Women not only helped us reckon with our selfishness, it also showed us how to enjoy the journey of being refined by one another.

3. Intended for Pleasure by Ed Wheat

The reality of marriage is that we as individuals bring a monster of selfishness into our marriages, and marriage has a way of purifying us from that selfishness as we learn to get along with one another. But, lest we get the idea that marriage is all about showing us how bad we are and chiseling away our sinfulness, every young couple ought to also read Intended for Pleasure before they get married.

Now, I should warn you that this book is on sex. It’s quite explicit and I recommend only reading it if you’re within a few weeks of your wedding. But the reason I think it is so powerful is because partly because it gives practical advice for having sex, but more so because it teaches the goodness of marriage.

The word I think of with this book is goodness. Marriage, especially sex, is goodness and it is intended for pleasuring our spouses. Marriage should be romantic. If it’s cold and stale, something is wrong. If there’s not a warmth between husband and wife, they are not completely united in soul and spirit. Sex is the culmination of that.

These books are best if read after three years of marriage:

4. Love and War: Find Your Way to Something Beautiful in Your Marriage by John and Stasi Elderedge

This is, perhaps, my favorite marriage book. Comradery is the word. John and Stasi share their experience of how their marriage was saved by discovering a mission together. Our marriages are for the purpose of displaying God’s glory and representing Christ and His Bride (the church) to the rest of the world.

Teresa and I are still discovering the specific mission of our marriage, but the more we do, the deeper our sense of comradery. And comradery is what holds a marriage together. Our marriage is not an end in itself. God wants to use it for His glory, and this book has been valuable in helping us discover the deeper purpose of our marriage.

Don’t rush the maturation of your marriage. Trying to figure out your mission as a couple within the first three years can almost cause more frustration than anything else. Rather, spend those first three years learning to serve in multiple ways. That helps in discerning what your mission is, and the years of experience help in better understanding the book.

5. The Marriage Builder: Creating True Oneness to Transform Your Marriage by Dr. Larry Crabb

You’re going to think I’m a Crabb fan. I’m not, actually. He can be a bit redundant in his books, but he has a way of gently sharing honest truth. Even when it hurts. Don’t read him if you want to come away feeling fuzzy all over. But, if you want real help in your relationship, he has powerful things to say.

The word I think of with his book, The Marriage Builder, is ministry. His main thesis is that in Christ we are eternally loved and genuinely significant and from that security we are able to minister to our spouses need for love and significance. No one other than Christ can fully meet our needs for love and significance, but he calls us to minister to our spouses by helping them become more fully aware of God’s undying love and value of them.

This book has given me a healthier perspective of how to approach my wife in moments of frustration. Too often, I express myself out of a desire to change her or invoke revenge. When I am focused on the goal of ministering to my wife, my responses in frustrating situations will be much more loving and sensitive.

6. Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas

Holiness. Marriage is meant to make us holy, not necessarily happy. If happiness is our pursuit, we’ll be quite frustrated. But when we see that relational difficulties is cultivating in us personal holiness, we find a deeper purpose to marriage.

I found this book meaningful because sometimes I get this idea that unless marriage is romantic and full of roses and coffee dates all the time, I must not have a healthy marriage. Marriage is hard! Parenting is hard! And when I bump into that reality, it doesn’t mean my wife and I are failing.

The intimacy of marriage is for the purpose of making us more like Christ.

Here are four additional books that gave me a better perspective on marriage:

7. For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women by Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn

8. For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn

These two books are fun and practical in helping understand the differences between men and women. They bust the myths we often believe about each other, such as that women want financial security. Survey’s actually show that most women don’t care so much about financial security as they do being connected emotionally with their husbands. You’ll find these books entertaining and insightful to read.

9. The Silence of Adam: Becoming Men of Courage in a World of Chaos by Dr. Larry Crabb

Okay, now you’re convinced I’m a Crabb fan! But here’s the deal, this book is written by three men: Dr. Crabb, Don Hudson, and Al Andrews.

Every man needs to read this book because it teaches how to lead in our relationships. That’s the word I think of with this book: leadership. God calls men to move beyond the silence of Adam, to step into the chaos and bring order in the world, especially in the world of our families. Too many of us are passive, pursuing money or sports more than relationships with our wives and kids.

The Silence of Adam was foundational for me in how I pursue my wife. If you are a newly married husband or considering marriage, I highly recommend reading this book.

10. Wrestling Prayer: A Passionate Communion with God by Eric and Leslie Ludy

The word with this book is communion. My wife and I have a long way to grow in praying together and spending time in intercession, but the more often we spend time communing in prayer together, the deeper our marriage grows.

And as a husband, my prayer life hasn’t been the same since reading this book. We can’t change our wives, our families—no one, really. We can pray, though. We must pray! If we want to see the power of God realized in our families and communities, we must wrestle in prayer.

One more resource you need to check out

Several months ago, Teresa and I went through the Love and Respect Live Marriage Conference with her brother and his fiancé and were reminded again how powerful that series is.

Emerson Eggerichs is not the best writer, in my opinion. But he is a fantastic speaker! Entertaining, practical, and deeply insightful. Watch this series multiple times. It’s fun to do with other couples.

Nothing helps us understand how to best meet each others needs than understanding our wife’s need for love and our husband’s need for respect.

You may also enjoy reading:

• What I Wish I Knew Before Pursuing a Girl
• “I asked her out and she said ‘No’”
• 6 Powerful Principles for Understanding the Role of Affection in Courtship
• 10 Sure-Fire Ways to Ruin Emotional Intimacy with Your Wife
• Why Romance Doesn’t Last

These are ten books I’ve read that helped me better understand marriage. Many of you have been married much longer than I have, what are books you would suggest? Go ahead and leave a reply in the comments below.

*I realize there have been some sad developments regarding Joshua Harris since the writing of this article. I contemplated removing the book. However, as sad as I am about recent choices Harris has made, I cannot ignore the fact that his book Boy Meets Girl played a profound part in my story and understanding the purpose of dating and engagement.