Two years ago today, my son popped into open air after sixteen hours of labor. What a thrilling moment! And relieving for my wife. We were excited about this new thing called parenting and raising a family together.
Kenaz started sleeping through the night quite easily. Around twelve weeks without much difficulty, he slept nine hours straight. He’s done it pretty much every night since. At the time, I felt confident that we had this baby training down pat. Bring it on!
Now, it’s two years later and we’re exhausted. We have two boys, feel worn out, insecure about our parenting and wonder if we’re doing any good.
When Kenaz first started getting into things he shouldn’t play with, we gave him a nice swat on the hand hoping it would magically teach him that he shouldn’t play with such things. A few thousand swats have gone by and he is still learning that lesson.
At times we wonder if we’re too hard on him. Are we overboard on discipline and don’t give enough encouragement when he does listen and obey? Then about that time he does something that makes us fear he’s spoiled and that we are way behind on our training.
The thing is, we’re only two years into this. What are the next twenty (or thirty) years going to be like? Will he ever learn the lesson? If one discipline technique doesn’t work in the first couple years, should we try another one so we don’t spend the whole time working at something that isn’t working? Will it be thirty years until we know if we’re doing anything right?
I’ve concluded that parenting is a roller-coaster ride! And if I focus on what’s in front of me, like the fact that he just opened the fridge for the eighth time today—and yes, I disciplined him each time—it feels overwhelming to think of having more children and trying to train them.
If parenting were just about training kids right, it would be almost unbearable.
But I think God had a little more in mind when He created parenting. Especially, since our kids need most of their training during our most immature years as parents. I wonder if most of the purpose of parenting isn’t to teach us as parents.
Looking back at the last two years, I see at least five ways my son has taught me how to be a better Dad.
Lesson #1 — Two years are like the blink of an eye; twenty years, must be like a day.
Growing up, twenty years seemed to take forever. But as a parent, when I think about how I have roughly twenty years that Kenaz will probably be living in my home
and the impact I want to leave on him during those years, twenty doesn’t seem long enough. Particularly when I consider how easily other things creep in and steal my time.
One of the ways my son has taught me how to be a better Dad is by making me aware of how quickly he’ll grow up.
Lesson #2 — How I respond to my children is directly related to how I perceive God views me
I’ve never once gotten frustrated with my son because he deserved it. He doesn’t. What I discovered is that when I feel most frustrated at him, like when he’s not obeying immediately, is when I carry a perspective that I have got to be perfect, now, or others won’t approve of me. God won’t approve of me.
It can be easy for me to think that God wants me to be at a certain place as a father. Then, when my son proves that I’m not, I get frustrated at him. But it’s not his fault. Furthermore, it’s not God’s fault because God isn’t waiting for me to get my act together before He approves me and loves me.
My son has taught me to be a better Dad by showing me that if I’m going to love him well, I’ve got to experience my Father’s love.
Lesson #3 — Kids are smart!
Kids are outrageously smarter than we give them credit. Along with many good parts about that, they learn to manipulate (like pros!) while they’re young.
My son has taught me to be a better Dad by confronting me with the fact that if Mom and I are going to stay on the same page and be consistent in our parenting, we better be communicating regularly!
Lesson #4 — Consistency and perseverance are essential for effective training
People told us this was important before we even had kids, but now I see how it is not just important, it’s essential.
And I am not consistent nor persevering by nature! I get tired of teaching the same lesson over and over again. I want a technique that gives me immediate results. If it doesn’t, I get hung up on the difficulty of it all and feel like giving in.
The reality of it all is that child-training takes time. My son has taught me how to be a better Dad by helping me see the need to be consistent and persevere.
Lesson #5 — He notices how I relate with Teresa and learns from it
The other day I randomly kissed my wife. He was right there, and when I was done he leaned up to kiss her too.
I wish that’s all he saw from me. Unfortunately, he sees when I’m frustrated at her and speak harshly to her for forgetting something I thought she should have known. He sees when I’m simply more consumed with emailing or the Minnesota Twins’ losing streak than connecting with her.
My son teaches me to be a better Dad by demonstrating that he watches me and applies to his life what he sees me doing.
On one hand it’s overwhelming to think about this because, honestly, I’ve learned them all from failing. I have far to go in being an effective father. I don’t feel like I have the same energy and readiness to tackle child-training as I did two years ago, yet, I have this sense that I’m only scraping shaving off the iceberg of parenting.
On the other hand, for each of these lessons I have a choice in how I respond to them. My response determines whether I become more effective or less effective as father.
Let me briefly share with you five responses that I believe will pay off in the long run.
If you’re a young father at a similar place in life, maybe these can encourage you in this incredible calling of fatherhood.
Response #1—To make the most of the twenty years, I have purposed to spend (at least) thirty minutes a day playing and engaging with my boys. Leaving an impact requires intentionality.
Response #2—To experience more of my Father’s love, I seek to resolve past issues because unresolved issues distort my view of God. Loving well correlates with emotional health.
Response #3—To make sure my wife and I keep in regular communication we set aside time to talk about parenting. Actually following through with it can be easily neglected, but we have found that a predictable schedule eases regular communication.
Response #4—To increase consistency and perseverance, I focus on the long-range vision of parenting instead of the immediate distraction of whatever I’m doing. Big picture motivates habit.
Response #5—To teach my son how to apply loving leadership, I focus on pursuing my wife even more than I do my kids. Children apply what they see.
My wife and I are in the middle of the trenches.
If you’re a parent, you are too! It’s exhausting. Hot romance includes baby’s crying and finding popcorn kernels in bed, but where else would we want to be?
My wife and I have just begun this journey, but as I review these five lessons I’ve learned in the first two years, I’m filled with anticipation for the next eighteen. God is up to something, both in my life and my son’s. I’m grateful to be on this adventure.
