It’s been awhile since I published my book Live Free: Making Sense of Male Sexuality. During this time, I’ve gotten quite a bit of feedback from readers about how it has impacted their lives and helped them on their journeys.
Some have shared how they appreciate that the book goes to the root of addiction and walks through the heart issues causing men to struggle sexually instead of presenting pat answers or formulas for finding freedom.
We want easy answers. We gravitate toward formulas.
But sexual freedom is not formulaic, and the harder one tries formulas for freedom, the more discouraged he gets that he’ll ever find freedom. There’s something much deeper going on.
Others have spoken about how it helped them see they were not alone in the struggle, and it gave them hope that they too can find freedom. In fact, learning how to talk about their struggles with others has already given them an increased sense of victory.
Are You Sexually Free?
Maybe you’re reading this and you are wondering how to know if you are sexually free. Perhaps you see yourself as free and don’t think such a challenge is necessary for you.
To be honest with you, I think sexual freedom can be talked about in really vague ways and we assume things that aren’t entirely true. For instance, a man can avoid pornography all his life and still live in sexual bondage. Did you know that?
Let me share with you four signs someone is not sexually free followed with four signs someone is sexually free and let you decide where you’re at. Then I’ll close with a few ideas of what a person who isn’t free can do—right now—to begin finding freedom.
Without further ado, here are the four signs.
4 Signs You Might Not Be Sexually Free
The first sign of someone who isn’t sexually free is that he fantasizes.
Men who are not sexually free constantly fantasize about intimacy. Fantasy is different than a dream. A dream compels one into action; a fantasy lulls him to inaction. Pursuing a dream may initially scare someone, but ultimately it gives added meaning and depth to his life. Fantasizing creates the allusion within that person as if he already has that meaning and depth—as if he’s just been fulfilled.
Men who fantasize play-out in their minds what it would be like to be married to so-and-so. They may even play out in their minds what it’s like to have sex. These men are not necessarily actively pursuing marriage, and neither do they have a clear sense of what they would do in life after getting married. To them it’s all about experiencing the intimacy right now. The thing about fantasy is that most times they end up walking away feeling as if they got it when they actually haven’t.
The second sign of someone who isn’t sexually free is that he downplays his bondage.
If a man says, “I’m struggling in my thought life” when he is actually replaying pornographic images in his mind—he is not sexually free.
If a man says, “I faced temptation to lust today” when he actually clicked on two sexually explicit sites—he is not sexually free.
If a man says, “I’ve had some moral failures” when he has actually had sex with or molested someone—he is not sexually free.
This kind of downplaying one’s bondage seems to be a bit unique to men within the Christian church. Or at least men with some kind of religious affiliation. People who aren’t sexually free, but have no religious affiliation to provoke them to project a moral narrative, don’t worry about the sexually immoral things they do—unless it’s illegal.
However, when someone is a part of a community that teaches pornography and sex outside of marriage are wrong, they deal with a greater shame and a greater level of dignity to uphold if they find themselves doing those very things. Not only is their integrity on the line, their social clout and sense of acceptance are also on the line.
The only problem is that downplaying one’s bondage only leads to covering it all up; not to true freedom.
The third sign of someone who isn’t sexually free is that he blames his bondage on others.
“If there wasn’t so much immodesty in the world today….”
“If only I had some way of releasing my sexual desires….”
“If only my wife would have more sex with me…”
Anytime we as men use these kinds of phrases, we are blaming our bondage on others.
Research shows that things such as how people are dressed, the level of touch and emotional chemistry between individuals, and whether or not anyone draws boundaries to a person’s movement toward sexual expression all play into that individual feeling sexually aroused.
What someone (not just men) sees with his eyes, influences his sexual arousal.
How someone touches another person (or is touched), influences his sexual arousal.
Whether that person can eventually have sex with the person he’s looking at or interacting with, influences sexual arousal.
But sexual arousal is not something a man or woman are unable to control.
If I am confronted by a near pornographic billboard or a lady in a bikini at the beach, I am in full control of what I choose to do with the feelings I get after looking seeing such images.
If someone flirts with me at the store or makes moves to express themselves sexually to me, I am in full control of what I choose to do with that experience.
People who are not sexually free end up giving in to the things they feel because they have not taken ownership of their responsibility in what they do with what they feel.
The fourth sign of someone who isn’t sexually free is that he lives passively.
A man who lives passively,
- Spends more time on his computer, looking at his phone, or reading a book than actually engaging the people around him
- Fails to bring problems to solutions and instead let them work themselves out
- Chooses the road of least pain, even at the expense of doing what is right
- Is unable to self-evaluate and acknowledge unacceptable behavior in his life
- Fails to lovingly address unacceptable issues in his wife just to keep the peace
- Doesn’t stretch his wife and family spiritually—does not take the lead in pursuing God
- Lacks confidence in his ability to make decisions, follow dreams, or take risks
- Goes with the flow of life instead of taking control of it—priorities are out of order
- Does not impart confidence and security to his children
- Is not motivated to be a world changer, warrior, or man of excellence
- Does not call his wife and children to their full potential
- Flies the white flag of surrender when the circumstances of life attack
- Gets frustrated whenever his wife or children need him at inconvenient times
- Does not have the faith to venture outside of what he can figure out
- Lives primarily to survive and protect his own world, reflecting a self-centered worldview[1]
As human beings, our sexuality makes up the core of who we are physiologically. It affects our whole being and lies at the bottom of how we use our bodies. If we are active, we are using our sexual energies to a certain extent, albeit quite minute. If we are inactive, laying around playing video games, we are not using our sexual energies and they build up and build up.
This build-up of sexual energy can cause us to become irritable or obsessive. It can also cause us to “face intensified temptation,” because our bodies are yelling at us to do the sexual things we are wired to do.
Sexual energy is not bad. It’s quite good!
But sexual energy ought to lead us to live powerfully, not passively.
Author Bruce Lengeman says,
The passive male is like an eight-cylinder car that runs on just five cylinders. He’s the man who doesn’t lead his family spiritually, doesn’t pursue his dreams, doesn’t fight for right, and sweeps problems under carpets. He’s content to survive, but not challenged to thrive. His life is often a quest to enjoy life instead of living to make a difference in the world or in his family. Male passiveness is a cultural poison and an epidemic plague, and has everything to do with the sexual climate in our society. Passiveness is so subtle that most men don’t see or understand it, but it could be the festering ground behind their sexual dependence.[2]
So, if fantasizing about intimacy, downplaying and blaming bondage on others, or living passively are signs of someone who isn’t sexually free, what are the signs of someone who is sexually free?
4 Signs You Are Sexually Free
The first sign of someone living sexually free is that he lives with vision.
Instead of fantasizing about intimacy, he has a vision for what healthy intimacy looks like and he moves toward that vision.
Intimacy is about so much more than the physical act of sex. It’s about sharing life together—being “naked” emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, and—yes—physically.
A man’s sex drive ought to compel him to care more deeply and tenderly for his wife. It ought to motivate him to take the initiative in modeling to his children what it looks like to love well.
Ultimately, our sex drive drives us to create goodness and beauty in the world around us.
Sexual energy can be used in many beautiful ways. One beautiful way certainly includes sex. But it also includes taking adventures, creating beautiful music, entering chaos to help bring order, and kneeling down to help tie his toddler’s shoes.
When someone catches a glimpse of the goodness of healthy sexual expression, and then later finds himself feeling strong desires for sex, if he allows the longing to motivate him to protect the sacredness of his sexuality and the sexuality of others, and if he allows his picture of good and healthy sexual expression to motivate him to pursue romance in a way that puts the other person and their longings and desires first, he is living with vision.
It’s not about him feeling fulfilled.
It’s about making reality something that is rarely experienced but longed for by everyone.
One will never be able to resist the temptation to look at porn, masturbate, or relate with someone in an abusive, self-centered way unless he first has a vision for healthy sexuality.
The second sign of someone living sexually free is that he lives with transparency.
Instead of downplaying his bondage, a person who lives sexually free is honest and transparent about what he is facing or has done.
It’s risky. But his vision for healthy sexuality drives him to be ruthlessly honest with someone.
“I cannot get pornographic images out of my mind.”
“Today, I clicked on two sites I knew were sexually explicit.”
“I violated this person by having sex with them.”
While this kind of transparency reveals the horribleness of his sexual struggles, it is the tenor of a man on his way to freedom.
The third sign of someone living sexually free is that he takes ownership of his failures (and his victory).
As long as one makes excuses for failing, he will never move the needle forward toward victory. Maybe the world is bent against sexual freedom. America is an incredibly sexualized society. But someone walking in freedom does limit himself to the obstacles around him.
When he finds his thoughts lingering on someone or something that is not his to enjoy, he repents right then and there. He creates for himself accountability structures through which he can share transparently about any struggles he faces or challenging situations he runs into.
Whether it’s a failure he needs to come clean on or a path to freedom he’s attempting to chart, he does not put the onus on anyone other than himself.
The fourth sign of someone living sexually free is that he lives powerfully.
Power has become a negative concept because we primarily know it by those who wield it for self-centered reasons. And that’s not freedom.
Neither is it real power.
What’s more powerful: to increase profit margins in your business and use the excess to add to your portfolio—because you’re the owner, so… you can—or to increase profit margins in your business and share the excess with all those working for you so their livelihood is bettered too?
What’s more powerful: to have all kinds of sex with your wife because you can and because your sexual urges feel so strong, or to channel your sexual energy into serving your family with gentleness and grace?
Someone who is free can channel.
Sex is good. It’s created by God. And it’s intensely pleasurable!
But it’s not the only good thing God intends for creation.
Our sex drive determines what we do with our bodies; our minds, limbs, eyes, mouths—everything.
Living sexually free means you channel your sexual energies to discover your purpose and how you can add value to the world around you, how you can help bring about the goodness God designed for all the earth.
When you begin to live for more than your own fulfillments and pleasures, you have moved from a place of passivity into a position of power.
How Do You Find Freedom?
Maybe you’re reading this right now and realize you fall more in line with the “not sexually free” signs than the “sexually free.” You tend to fantasize, downplay, blame, or live passively instead of living with vision, transparency, taking ownership, or living powerfully.
If this is you, what do you do if you want freedom?
I believe the first step is to admit that perhaps you’re not free. Or at least you’re not as free as you’d like to be.
Then, find someone—a friend or mentor—to share your story with.
Maybe you don’t have a grandiose story of failure and getting into horrible sin, but you simply realize that you live with a subtle desire for things you know are wrong and you want free. You want to be free to want what God wants and hate what he hates. Tell someone that story.
Including another person into your journey will perhaps feel like the riskiest step, but it’s the most important step toward freedom.
To help you get going on this journey, I invite you to read Live Free: Making Sense of Male Sexuality. If you would like a small group study, consider the Live Free Course, a video series that accompanies the book. You can enroll and get started immediately!
I also recommend checking out the following resources:
- How to Find Sexual Freedom (Article)
- Finding Freedom from Unwanted Sexual Behaviors (Podcast)
- Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing (Book)
- Hope Journey Guide (Mentoring Program)
Living in bondage is a choice. Living in freedom can be as simple as choosing to live differently than you’ve been living. Will you join me on the path of freedom? You can share your thoughts or questions in the comments below.
[1] Adapted from the list in Lengeman’s book, To Kill a Lion, 76-77.
[2] Lengeman, To Kill a Lion, 73.
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