One of my greatest joys in life is parenting. I love my sons. I love working with my wife to raise our boys. But I’ve been realizing that I have unrealistic expectations of what good parenting is.
Lately I’ve noticed an underlying sense of anger. Little things get me all riled up inside, like my son pulling out the dishes for the fifth time of the day or repeatedly emptying the laundry basket. I wasn’t sure where the frustration was coming from, but it was killing me.
The other day I was reflecting on this issue, knowing something had to change but not sure what to do, or even what the problem was. Then I had a thought and I think it came from God: I have unrealistic expectations of what parenting is like. And those expectations are killing me.
Good Parenting Doesn’t Mean You Always Have a Clean House
First of all, I was expecting that if we were good parents the house would never be messy. Always clean. We’d be able to quickly teach our children to stay out of cupboards. If we were good parents we could have fun with them and keep the place clean.
The fact is, however, that it takes time to train children to stay out of things. When you have two munchkins to take care of, one of which actively roams around the house faster than you can say cock-a-doodle-do looking for things to explore, you’re going to have messes and it’s unrealistic to base your level of parenting on that.
The pressure of not allowing “life” to happen in our home so that I would feel that we are good parents was killing me and killing my wife. Literally. Our intimacy was dying.
Affection Is Nurtured, Not Natured
Secondly, I expected that I would always naturally have affection for my children. I love them! Why wouldn’t I?
Yet, the truth is that it wasn’t always there. Sometimes I felt frustrated instead of joyful. Or upset instead of loving. I didn’t realize that like any other relationship it takes consistent effort on my part to nurture affection.
Christmas vacation helped me regain my focus. The people who matter most to me are the ones I live with, but I can easily spend more time doing other things than engaging with them.
If I want affection for my family, I need to spend time engaging with them. And when I make the effort to do that, affection comes naturally. Without that regularly effort on my part, it won’t.
Are you someone who wants to be able to look people in the eyes without having anything to hide and to be able to fight for others? Yet, maybe you’re looking at porn or habitually masturbating. You feel guilt and as if you’re less of a man, but aren’t sure how to gain victory.If that’s you, I invite you to check out my brand new book, Live Free: Making Sense of Male Sexuality.
Oneness Is Not Automatic
Finally, I realized I expected that oneness with my wife in parenting would be automatic. We talked over everything in courtship, right?
We agreed that children need to learn to obey. We were on the same page in how we’d educate them. We both desired them to follow God and agreed that we as parents should show what that looks like. But talking about all that back then and agreeing together didn’t guarantee we knew where each other was at when we actually had children.
Teresa and I have found that we need to regularly communicate about how we train little Johnny to obey (Johnny was the name for our “kids” during our engagement). We can’t assume the other person knows what we’re thinking. We need to stay connected, or else we lose trust and comradery in our parenting.
Don’t take for granted marital oneness, and don’t think you’re failing if it takes work.
Realizing I had these expectations has been freeing. And letting go of them has allowed me to love even deeper than before. But it hasn’t been all about hidden expectations.
If You Being Evil Can Give Good Gifts. . .
I didn’t realize that with each new phase of fathering I would get a greater perspective of God’s heart for me. I keep thinking of that verse where Jesus says, “If you being evil know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give good things to those who ask Him?”
I know how selfish I am. Incredibly so! Yet, I still want the best for sons. I can’t imagine giving them something that is not good for them. So why do I doubt God’s ability to do the same for me?
God loves you. He cares about your journey. He knows you’ll make mistakes, but He’s right there to help you through them if you let him.
The last couple weeks have been fantastic. I have affection for my children. I sense a deeper oneness with my wife. And no, our house is not always clean, but that’s okay.
Unrealistic expectations will kill you, so let them go. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just know that most unrealistic expectations are hidden and born from comparison with others. Be you. Love your family. Train them toward Christ. That’s the point.
Despite the steep learning curve, parenting truly is great!
What is an unrealistic expectation about parenting you’ve noticed? Share in the comments below.
