Women like to talk. Men, on the other hand, not so much.
It’s been said that women speak an average of 20,000 words a day, while men only speak an average of 10,000 words a day. One husband was telling his wife about this, trying to prove to her that women speak more than men. His wife thought about it for a moment, then told him that women speak so much because they have to repeat every word they say.
Her husband looked stunned, then exclaimed, “What?”
Maybe we men are too dull to catch what the ladies say the first time and that’s why they talk so much. Maybe men have other ways of communicating, while ladies do it solely through talking. Maybe God created this difference in men and women purely for the enjoyment of the jokes that come as a result. I don’t know!
What I do know, however, is that there a few things men don’t talk about, but really should. At least, if we’re going to experience fulfilling and meaningful relationships with those we lead.
I’ve discovered at least twenty things I tend to avoid talking about, but should if I’m going to become a better leader in my marriage, family, work or ministry. For you, the list might be a bit different, but check these out and see if they resonate with you. Then leave a comment adding what else you would put on your list.
Here are the twenty things this man doesn’t talk about, but should.
1. How I feel
Yep. That’s right. As much as we make fun of ladies always talking about how they feel, I’ve discovered I should start doing it too. It’s okay to talk about what I do and what happened, but I’ve realized that if I’m going to go deeper in my relationships I need to be vulnerable enough to put words to my feelings. Sooner or later I’ll go through an experience that create feelings I don’t know what to do with. It’s then that I’ll want to have a few close friends who I am already in contact with and who can help me process my feelings.
2. My drive for significance
We men are deeply driven to feel significant. I’m not exception. It is a part of how God designed us, but I’ve noticed that if I don’t talk about it and seek out what scripture has to say about how I use that drive, I’ll try to find my significance in something other than God.
3. Sexual struggles
It’s embarrassing to talk about sexual struggles. Especially if I feel like others are doing better than me in this area. But if I am going to walk in moral victory, I must find a few godly men to talk about them with so they can help me overcome.
4. My dreams
It sometimes feels scary to talk about my dreams. They are important to me, but what if others shoot them down or don’t find them very meaningful? However, unspoken dreams are unfulfilled dreams. God gives us dreams as direction for what He longs to see happen in and through our lives. I’ve discovered that I should talk about them, and get others to talk about theirs, so we can help each other pursue and fulfill the dreams God has given us.
5. My embarrassments
Nothing humbles me more than putting my embarrassments to words. Besides, sometimes I take myself too seriously. The world misses some really funny stories when embarrassments are kept secret.
6. The time I walked into the women’s restroom
Actually, I’ve never done that. But I’ve heard a few stories of men who have, and they’re pretty funny. And embarrassing.
7. What irritates me
I don’t mean that I should explain why I’m irritated. My irritability is my problem, not other people’s. But I’ve found that when I’m able to humbly talk about what irritated me while also seeking to understand everyone else involved, I often come away with a deeper perspective of other people. Silence about something is the best way to ensure it will happen again. I can learn a lot when I’m vulnerable enough to talk about what irritates me.
8. How much I love my wife
I told her I loved her the day we got married. I’ll let her know if that ever changes. But as any lady knows, my wife needs to know I love her more often than that, right? Life so quickly passes by and monotony takes over our marriage. One way I’ve found to fight that is to regularly tell my wife I love her. As I do so, it helps me stay conscious of actually living it out.
9. How value is not found in beating my competition, but in living for an eternal purpose
I’m highly competitive. I’ve been so all my life. And while I like to believe God will use my competitive spirit for His glory, more often then not, it gets in the way. I see this happen in many men. It makes us feel significant to beat the competition and we begin focusing on that as if winning is what makes us valuable. It’s not. Living for an eternal purpose is. If my life is not structured around God and leading others to Him, I am wasting my manhood.
10. Answered prayers
Why do I so easily forget that God is in control, that He will guide me in decision-making? Why do I get distracted from living only for His glory? Because I forget to talk about answered prayers.
11. How I spend my money
God has given every penny I own, whether I’m fully supported by friends while on the mission field, or whether I am rolling in the doe through business. It all belongs to God and if I’m going to steward it well, I must talk about how I spend it.
12. How I spend my time
You can tell what I actually love in life by watching how I spend my time. Unless I talk about it with others, I end up pursuing wrong priorities.
13. The new arrangement of furniture
My home would be incredibly boring if I was the interior designer. My wife does a superb job with the little she has to work with and I’ve discovered it means something to her when I compliment her on it instead of complaining about needing to move furniture. . .again.
14. How much I enjoyed the soft, gooey cookies
I don’t like soft gooey cookies. Coo-kies were meant to be cris-py. Not soft. Or gooey. My wife knows this and does her best to slightly burn them, because that’s when they’re perfect. But she doesn’t enjoy cookies that way. Furthermore, she finds it hard to slightly burn them. My point is this: we men are so obsessed with food it’s easy to become picky. I’ve discovered that I need to just be grateful for anything my wife puts in front of me and cheerfully eat it. Even when it’s not how I prefer it. She puts a lot of effort into every meal and does a good job with it, she deserves some praise. Plus, I enjoy soft gooey cookies as long as I eat them with her.
15. My day
Our wives want to feel connected. Emerson Eggerichs talks about how men communicate merely to exchange information. Women communicate not only to exchange information, but also to express, release, and realize feelings. It’s how they feel connected. I’m sometimes tempted to not talk about my day because I assume my wife already knows what I do each day, but if I am going to stay connected with my wife, I should talk about it anyways.
16. What I already know about my wife’s day
In the same way, I should then inquire about her day. Even if I already know what she did. I want to be connected with my wife and this is how she feels it.
17. Expectations of schedule
It is incredibly easy to settle into unspoken expectations of almost anything in life, but especially schedules. Some of the most frustrating miscommunications my wife and I have had came back to not talking about our expectations of our schedule. When we make a regular habit to connect on that, we solve a lot of daily problems.
18. Disappointments
I tend to hold things inside of me, especially if it has to do with disappointments. But if I don’t talk about my disappointments with someone (primarily my wife), I become embittered and begin believing lies about myself and others.
19. What confuses me
Again, when I am confused, it’s easy to keep it isolated. Trying to talk about what confuses me is painful if people don’t understand the underlying struggle. But I never solve confusion by hiding it. Talking about it with someone helps me sort things through, and they can speak truth into areas where I am believing lies.
20. Emotional pain
It’s been said that women are physically private and emotionally naked. In other words, they have no problem talking about their emotions, but feel quickly violated if someone gets too close to them physically. Men, on the other hand, are emotionally private and physically naked. They have no problem taking showers together in a locker room, or roughing each other up in the halls. But when it comes to talking about their emotions, that’s when they feel intruded. However, men feel emotional pain just as women do. Ignoring it only cements the bitterness and confusion caused by it. I’ve found that if I am ever going to get passed the pain and live with passion and purpose, I must talk with someone about my emotional pain.
If I am going to stay in healthy communication with those I lead, I’ve learned that I should start talking about these twenty things. What about you? Are there things you don’t talk about, but should?
Share in the comments below.
